This is going to be an incredibly short blog, but I think it is important that I write this down. If for no other reason than for myself to be able to look back at it sometime, as a reminder.
I get so incredibly overwhelmed by my life sometimes- with work, and my kids, my relationship, my writing, the puppy. Trying to fit in a minute to exercise, to read, a moment for myself. Trying to find a second to cook dinner, throw in some laundry, read to the baby. My life is so full of life that I don’t feel like I’m living at all (if that makes any sense to you at all, you have my sympathy.).
I get caught up in the “should” thing, a lot. I should be more organized. I should be doing this instead of that. I should be more like this, less like this, better at one thing, not so concerned with another.
It seems like it requires an awful lot of things going a particular way for me to be okay. If I focus too hard on why I’m feeling good at any given moment, my brain automatically comes up with ten reasons I should really be worried. I don’t know why I am like this, but I doubt I’m the only one.
But you know, sometimes, what is really needed is a little perspective, and maybe a gentle foot on the brakes of life-obviously, you can’t just stop altogether. Lets be reasonable. However, for me, (and I have known this about myself for a very long time, but I forget it over and over again.) taking a walk-a good, long, brisk walk- can calm me down, every time. Without fail. If I leave my phone at home, it works even better.
If that’s not possible, and sometimes it’s just not, then taking a short break- five minutes on the front porch with that book, or- and I had to do this last weekend, my mood was so atrocious- when things are super sucky, I will literally get down on my knees and pray. My family already thinks I am some kind of religious freak (which I am SO not ) so I just shut the door and make it quick. I ask for a little help in letting go of my disastrous thoughts, and maybe a little kindness. It helps.
I want to be better than I am. I never want to stop wanting that, because there is always more we can be. I think it’s okay to strive for more. But it isn’t okay to beat yourself up for being who you are. And it’s not okay to get so caught up in looking ahead that you can’t love what is right here.
I had a tough night tonight, a lot going on and not enough time, and I was frustrated and upset with my kids and my boyfriend for whatever reason you can think of. I was mad that the house was a mess, and I was mad at myself because I didn’t want to deal with it. I was wishing I was different and better and more right NOW. So I sat out on the porch for a minute with my book.
When I came back in, the first thing that hit me was the amazing smell- meatloaf and mashed potatoes I had made for dinner. The lights were already out in the hall and the kitchen, so the warm light from the laundry room and the sound of the TV made it feel so cozy. There were baby toys laying around, and the puppy was asleep on the floor.
It looks just like a family lives here, is what I thought. I know how dumb that sounds. But it felt so warm and safe and normal, and I realized I have come far enough away from the mess my life once was to actually take this stuff for granted. How amazing is that? On the one hand, awful, but on the other, proof of just how far I have come.
So you see, once upon a time I would have given ANYTHING to be here. I would not have thought it was possible, no way. There is no logical path from where I was to where I am now. Still, here I am, always wanting to be some other place.
I think tonight I am going to spend some time loving it right here. Goodnight!