Amphetamines OR So You Want To Ruin Your Life

*Disclaimer* I am in no way endorsing the use of drugs. This is intended to be a joke. If you have no sense of humor, please, don’t read this. It’ll only piss you off.

I’ve talked about this in a roundabout fashion, here, before. I told you all that I, not so very long ago, was in the grip of a monstrous addiction. What I did not tell you was to what, and if I were a reader who didn’t know me, that would drive me crazy. I would want to know exactly what drug this writer was strung out on. So I’m just going to tell you (in case you didn’t figure it out already via the title) that my drug of choice was amphetamines. When you say it like that, it sounds so professional. If I were to be specific, methamphetamines were the type I preferred. But you know, we didn’t call it that, either. We just called it “shit”. Which, looking back, seems highly appropriate.

Have you ever entertained the idea of, perhaps, trying this drug at one time or another? Is there anything I can say to you to dissuade you? What if I told you I had strong evidence that there is really NOTHING good that could come of it…unless, of course…well, lets just run through this little list real quick. If any of these things sound good to you, then hey, what the heck. Be my guest.

1.) You’ve decided that you hate your teeth, and want to destroy them in the quickest, most painful way possible.

2.) You’ve decided that “skinny” just isn’t cutting it anymore- you want to go more for the “starving” look. I used to joke (sickly) that I was trying to get back to my original weight-8 pounds.

3.) You think it would be a lot of fun to spend four or five hours a day picking your face in a mirror and/or plucking your eyebrows…or both, even.

4.) You’ve decided that you love where you are in your life so much, be it adolescence or young adulthood, that you want to prolong it indefinitely. Your life may certainly change, but not for the better- however, you will find yourself, at whatever age you finally knock it off, the mental age you were when you started. You have missed the boat, sunshine. Now it’s catch up time.

5.) You want to see if staying awake for four or five days in a row really makes you hallucinate. It does. You can skip this one.

6.) You want to see if Meth is really as addictive as they say it is. It is. You can skip this one, too.

7.) You are tired of all your boring old dreams and aspirations. You want to destroy them and throw them all away.

8.) You have a real problem with arriving places on time. You can’t seem to ever be late, and it’s high time you started making people wait.

9.) You find that you just aren’t enjoying sex and have heard that meth will increase your sex drive. Yes, this works for some people. Unfortunately, you may not be quite as picky about WHO you are having that sex with, which could be a bit of a problem down the road. Also,  sober sex may be a little more…well, sober, but the risk of stroke is drastically reduced.

10.) You kind of like the way acne looks on you. (of course, I seem to be enjoying this look anyway, but at least now I have insurance and can go to the doctor to have it dealt with.)

11.) You have no desire whatsoever to have any financial, emotional or mental stability either now or in the foreseeable future.

12.) You look way too young and would really like to age yourself at least five years, preferably in the next 6 months or so.

13.) You are lonely and you want your phone to ring. So what if it is nothing but collection agencies. Anyway, you won’t have a phone for long, so enjoy it while you can.

14.) You want to distrust everyone you know and know that those feelings are reciprocated.

15.) You hate looking people in the eye, anyway.

Oh, I could go on and on and on. But I guess I won’t, because my mom reads this, and God knows I’ve put her through enough already. I highly encourage you to NOT choose to live your life the way I did for so very long. I am one of the very lucky, extremely blessed women who made it out intact. But, as they teach you in this little program I attend, all I have is a daily reprieve.

I am making a joke about it now because I can, and because I have learned that for me, laughter is therapeutic. If I didn’t laugh at how very poor my choices were, at all the mistakes I made, and how royally I screwed up…well, then I would just be sad, wouldn’t I?

I know some of my friends are going to read this…can you think of anything I could have added to the list? I really am interested in what you have to say.

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12 thoughts on “Amphetamines OR So You Want To Ruin Your Life

  1. In the spirit it is written: homelessness loses its appeal and regular trips to jail become not only more frequent, but longer in span. Serious legal problems provide some fodder for all the jailhouse lawyers who obviously are a crack team since they, too, are in the same institutional merry-go-round. Welcome to the felonious falderall.

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  2. Nothing like repairing electronics, computers and appliances that do not need repaired. I must have disassembled and destroyed a half a dozen dishwashers, washers and dryers in my meth research days.

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  3. Not to mention how much unprotected sex you will have and what the consequences may be, who cares, when you’re high you never truly take responsibility or face reality 😦 I LOVE THIS ONE Courtney, again we’ve come so far 🙂

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  4. So glad that is behind you, Court-o. So glad you woke up! So glad you learned from it. And so glad you’re passing that knowledge on. Who knows who you may help?
    Mom

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  5. I’m SO glad you came through the other side intact! I have loved ones that have succumbed to addiction and it’s terrible not just for them but for everyone around them. Bravo to you for the strength to not only kick it, but to write about it!

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    1. Yeah, it’s hard to see when you are in the midst of it all, how much you are hurting the people who love you. You really believe that you are only hurting yourself.
      I’m sure I am not done with the topic (writing about it, not doing it!) and I’m equally sure that not all my posts will be jokey. Some will have to deal with the sadness, too.

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  6. You forgot to mention “enjoy it when White Vans follow you around everywhere!” Not to mention “hearing space aliens communicating to you through your car radio”… or was it just me that experienced delusions like that?

    Thanks for giving me a couch when I had nowhere else to go, letting me take over your living room so I could work, and teaching me how comforting a huge steaming cup of 7-11 Vanilla Coffee can be on a frosty morning!

    I may not have been the best friend you could have had, but I will never forget the kindness you showed me. The fact that you made the decision to help me out so many years ago, without receiving anything in return speaks volumes about your true character.

    It’s been 15 years that I have been sober now, and when I reflect back on those “bad old days,” I know I would have been much worse off if I hadn’t known you. You gave me shelter and friendship when I needed it most, and I probably never even properly thanked you for it.

    I’m so happy that you are doing well. I’m proud of you Courtney, you rock!

    ~S~

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