Why You Gotta Be A Dick?

I’m really, really sorry I had to begin this post with such a grammatically reprehensible title. In all fairness, though, it is the only expression that sums up exactly what this blog (today) is about.

The world is full of Assholes. There. I said it. You know it’s true, too, right? I mean, how many times a day (assuming you leave your house much) do you find yourself saying, albeit quietly (as people carry guns these days) , “What an Asshole that asshole is!” Maybe sometimes you even say to yourself “My GOD, I am such an Asshole.” And shake your head in despair. It’s okay. I do it, too.

We all have the potential to be warm and wonderful human beings. Wait- you know what, that may not be true. I definitely have the potential to be a warm and wonderful human being most of the time, as do most of the people I know. There are a couple of freakshows out there that are just taking up space, let’s be honest. On the flip side of that coin, though, we all have the potential to be totally self absorbed, black- holes of misery covered in skin.  Sometimes I am both on the same day. But you know what? I try really hard NOT to be a dick. I try to remember to hold doors for people, to smile and be thoughtful, to not completely lose my shit when someone in front of me in traffic has no business being on the road. I try. I mean, maybe they are having a bad day and their nerves are shot. Maybe they are tourists and they are lost…in which case they really should pull the hell over and then try to figure out where the hell they are, but you know, maybe they just haven’t thought of that yet.

I’m certainly not trying to pretend I am some moral and spiritual little ray of sunshine. I mean, if you read this blog, you know that I was a raging drug addict for a long time- I broke the law every single day, many times, for like ten years. I wasn’t exactly a great chick. Even then, though, I really did try to at least be polite. I guess perhaps it was just one of the ways that I manipulated people- they do tend to respond more favorably to someone who is polite, even if that someone is a sucked up little tweaker- but WHATEVER. At least I tried.

There are so many degrees of Assholishness, I don’t even know where to begin. People that refuse to see that their kids are assholes are even bigger assholes than the kids. People that are late all the time. People that refuse to have a sense of humor about anything. People that are just mean for no reason at all. People who think they are better than other people (I have been guilty of this a time or two, I confess.) People who are racist and ignorant and closed-minded. Teenagers. All teenagers are hormone-induced ASSHOLES. This, however, is forgivable as it can be outgrown.

I want to talk about two run-ins I have had with dickish people in the last couple of days. One hurt my feelings and the other just pissed me off, and they are both a big part of what is wrong with this world we live in.

First: Saturday, I took my older daughter with me to Target to pick up Easter stuff (Yes, I realize that Saturday was the very day before Easter- my organizational skills suck. Badly.) and then afterwards, we stopped and picked up a bagel and some Starbucks. We drove over by the beach, parked on a dead end road, at the bottom of the hill, at the very front of a long line of cars. Most of the cars were empty behind me, and I figured someone had just left, creating this little, lucky empty spot for me to park. There were no signs telling me NOT to park there. So I did, and me and my kid just munched on our bagels and watched the surfers. Then a car came along and had a bit of a problem turning around at the bottom of the hill, where I happened to be parked. He had to back up and turn his wheel ONE extra time to clear my bumper. As he went by, I CLEARLY saw his mouth form the world ASSHOLE at me , as he glared. His wife fired off some insult or another as they passed, and I was like “What the F*** did I do?”  It really upset me- I was just sitting there, with my kid, enjoying the freaking day, and I got called an asshole because this jack-hole couldn’t turn his big ass truck around!

Second: (And this one is really lame.) Yesterday, I had a few extra minutes for once in my life, and I thought I would go spy on my daughter. She wasn’t where she was supposed to be, so I cruised slowly through the parking lot near that area, looking for her. As I cruised, a guy pulled out of a parking space directly in front of me, never even glancing behind him. I did not say a word, just looked at him. I watched as he backed right into the bumper of a gold Lexus. He looked at me. I looked at him. He started to inch forward, so his window was near my window. I could see his mind working, I really could. I rolled my window down and said to him “Don’t drive off. You just hit that car, handle your shit, man.” Those were my exact words. He nodded, his girlfriend nodded. He got out, walked to the car he hit, looked at it, looked at me…then he jumped in his car and BAILED.

I got his license plate number, I went in the store, told the manager what happened, blah blah blah. But I felt so deflated and bummed out by the whole encounter. I mean, for GOD’s sake, man! I get it- maybe he didn’t have insurance, he was scared, whatever. That is NO EXCUSE for being a lame ass, busting up someones car and then not doing the right thing. I bet, if he would have just explained to the Lexus owner what had happened, they would have worked it out with him. People are pretty reasonable, if you give them a chance and have a little common courtesy. I don’t know. I just wanted to expound on that a little.

People- please try not to be a dick today. As a representative of the world at large, I am thanking you in advance.

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