Hi, everyone. I feel really bad that my blog production has slowed waaay down, recently, and I wanted to at least put something out there so that I’m not forgotten, or assumed to have fallen off the face of the earth. Nope. I’m still here, doing my thing. Which is to say, the bare necessities of life are being accomplished while I am turned inward, searching for some solutions.
When you have lived life for a while with some consistency, you may begin to notice patterns in your behavior. I am at such a place, now, where I am seeing clearly how I respond to certain things. When I am unhappy and there just don’t seem to be any easy answers, when I really am struggling for the next right thing to do, I disconnect. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want advice, I don’t want to be distracted. The simplest phone conversation can feel like torture to me, because it’s such a struggle to listen to someone else when I am drowning in my own dilemma. So I am short, and I am brusque, and I am basically rude and totally self absorbed. I apologize. I won’t stay like this forever.
Unfortunately, I let all of the good and happy things in my life fall to the side when I am like this. It does not benefit me in any way to do this, I know, but it is really hard for me to break this dumb cycle. I had hoped that this blog would be the exception, but I have tried to write something every day, and ended up half way through, abandoning all of it. I think part of the reason is that old saying-“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I can’t, so I’m not. The other thing is, when I do write about how shitty I feel, my phone starts ringing with people who love me and want to know what is up. And I don’t want to say, so this is no good.
Whatever the case may be, just know that what I am dealing with right now is NOTHING compared to some of the crap I’ve handled in the not-so-distant past, and that I really have my mind made up already. The hard part is finding a gracious and non-devastating way to execute my plan. It’s going to take time and patience and some maturity. None of which I have in great amounts, but I need to dig deep. I will be back to my fun, funny, sarcastic, crazy self in no time, I’m sure.
Just probably not tomorrow.