Posted in Addiction, aging, family, kids, Life, love

Talk About a Moment of Clarity!

I would like to start by saying “Hi!” to all of you. I miss you guys when I haven’t been writing, and I really haven’t been writing with much consistency lately, for many (lame) reasons (excuses). So, I am being honest when I say I think about the little blog community I am getting to know when I am nowhere near my computer, and I think that’s cool.  I also want to say “Hi” because my next statement is going to be a little (lot) negative.

2) My computer is a f***i**g piece of S**T! I am losing my mind on a daily basis (at least) now due to whatever issue it is having. It appears to have caught some type of unknown virus, probably the computer version of AIDS back in 1983. No cure, no hope, prognosis terrifying and grim. Geez, I am so off track here.

3) I hate to waste more time talking about this, but # 2 is a total lie. I actually have a really great laptop, but I don’t know very much at all about maintaining a computer. I do what I know how to do, and I have some program that is scanning stuff every forty-five seconds (it seems like) and I guess I’ll have to get with it, because this is really slowing me down. It has totally hindered my writing, of all types.

Okay, FINALLY, that is done with- can I PLEASE tell you the main thing now? So, as many of you know from either knowing me in real life, reading my blogs, or both, I have been having a pretty tough time with my oldest girl for a while now…like, maybe since birth, but until this past six or seven months, there were still good times, too. A lot of good times, and despite all the bickering, we were always very, very close. Not anymore. She really, really hates me. She’s done some pretty despicable things to me recently, and out of pure maliciousness, stuff I would NEVER have dreamed of doing to my mom. Not in a million years.

Sometimes it hurts my feelings pretty bad- the other day when we were fighting on the way to her school and I was trying to tell her that had she missed the one hour class that is required of her that day, she would have to repeat 8th grade instead of moving on to HS. She said “I don’t care.” Which frustrates me, because if SHE doesn’t care, why the hell am I doing all this stuff for her?! But I said to her in reply “If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be crying right now.”

“I’m crying because I hate your guts, and there is nothing I can do about it! You are a mean bitch. I have ALWAYS hated you.” She said.Yikes.  That one really hurt, somehow, and I don’t know why, because she has said much meaner things than that to me.  Maybe it was because I kind of believed her, that that is the way she felt. That she HAD always hated me. I’m the first to admit, I am totally hateable sometimes, and the more I love you, the worse I can behave. Which puts her, my child, in the number one spot. The number two spot would be held by my mom. These are the two people I want to mainly talk about right now.

Lately, I just cannot think about my daughter and I without thinking about my mother and I. It’s just so strange to me that I am now, basically, standing in my moms shoes, looking at myself in my own daughter. It terrifies me, because I know I can put up speed bumps in her path, but I cannot stop this child. It shames me, also, because I remember being that….just AWFUL, the way girls can be at that age. I had it all figured out, I did not give a shit about how my mom felt (well, sometimes I didn’t) or how my insanity effected her life. You see, I would run away for days on end, never calling, nothing. I just don’t know how my mom made it through those days without losing her mind. I know how lost I feel these days, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do to help this kid, scared to death I’ll make the wrong choice. There really aren’t too many people I can turn to, because it’s a touchy, touchy subject and I don’t know very many people who could give me any advice I could have faith in. Either their kids are awful, too, or they have never been awful so they have to be guessing. I can’t really talk to my mom about it because she gets too upset, and also because she always blames all of it on me. Which is pretty awful on a lot of levels- I mean, yes, I SUCKED as a mother when she was little. I was as bad as they get. Sometimes. But there were many, many times when I was great, too. I have friends who have known me since before I had Aisley, and were around all the way up until I moved away when she was six. When I came back, at least three of those friends has heard me beating myself up for being the way I was when she was little, and too my surprise, they absolutely disagreed with me. “You were a great mother! You always took good care of that kid. She was with you all the time, you never left her for one night, etc., etc.” So, I guess I wasn’t the monster I thought I was, and I let people make me think- again, my mom and Aisley. My mom was around way less than my friends, so I can’t totally discount what they recall. Also, I tended to act up on the phone with my mom throughout those crazy years, and for some reason, I would say terrible things to make her worry about Aisley. And me. I just tortured that woman. I was so ANGRY with her, and I have no idea why. Maybe because I just wanted someone to fix me, and she wished she could, but she couldn’t.

So, anyway, that’s kind of where I am headed with this whole thing. Aisley is tough, but the worst of it is that I MISS her, the her I held for so long…she is just lost to me, I hope only for now. And I remember my mom saying that to me, that she missed me so much, the me that she loved and knew. You think you have so much time to get it right, to fix things and work it out…when that baby is laying in your arms, eighteen years seems like forever. But it goes by before you even have a chance to figure out what you are doing, and that little brown eyed girl who slept curled up in your arms for way too many years won’t even let you touch her hand.  She is only 14, but I know the rest of the time I have with her will be more on her terms than mine. That window was shutting and I didn’t even know.  I should have known ,because I was the same exact way.

To my mom, I want you to know how sorry I am. I don’t know why I was so wild. I will never know if anything you did or didn’t do had anything to do with it, but I really don’t think so. I think I just was who I was, and I was drawn to that lifestyle no matter where I went. I really believe that you did the very best you could at least 85% of the time, which is a lot more than most people do. I KNOW you love me more than anyone else does. I can’t imagine…no, I CAN clearly imagine what you went through for ALL of those years.

You see, this evening, I finally had a chance to finish going through a box of miscellaneous notebooks and cards and letters and things that I have been lugging around since the early nineties. I have basically been going through box after box of paper, separating the cards and personal things of mine from Aisley’s, and from my drawings and poetry, and from old bills and garbage. It’s been taking forever, but it’s great to see all this stuff. Tonight, though I don’t usually look at the cards, I did. You know, my mom tried so hard, all of those years, to remind me of who I really was. Every single word she wrote was designed to  tell me-“This is not you, Courtney. I KNOW YOU, and I will not let you forget.” I never saw that before, until tonight. Thank you, mom. I am so lucky to have someone love me in such a ferocious way, and to have learned to love that way myself.

And there were so many poems and drawings and letters from Aisley that tell me how much she loves me, and how glad she was that I was her mom. I really needed to see that tonight, because I was starting to believe that things had always been bad, and she had never had a mother she could love. I was questioning my own memories. I was really taking all of her issues as a direct assessment of my parenting. But Aisley is making her own choices now and I am not to blame for that. I have been a MUCH better mom to her since she was seven years old, and that is half of her life now. I have been in her life every minute since the day she was born, too, and you can’t say that about all of her parents. I understand clearly that my mom was just as unsure as I am now, and that she did her best to cope with her child who refused to be parented. It’s hard, it sucks and we are still people- busting our asses, keeping things together, and resentful as hell of this KID who gets everything handed to them and still makes sure we can’t have any happy, stress free time, because they have to act like idiots. My mom deserved a way better deal than she got with me. I love you mom, and I just want to thank you one more time, from the bottom of my heart, for never giving up on me. I know it must have been hard.

And Aisley, I promise you, I will never, ever give up on you. No matter what you think right now about me, no matter what you think about me EVER, my love for you cannot be altered. The years you and I had, just us two, are unique to us. You are the best thing that ever happened to me- if it weren’t for you, I never would have thought I needed to change. I never would have understood love. I never would have become anything. You saved my life, and you are so incredibly special to me. I will always be here for you- you can count on that.

Ugh! I am way bawling, by now. This was so long, I thank anyone who made it through this thing. I’m not even going to re-read it, I am going to leave it be. I said what I wanted to say. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fetch a roll of paper towels. Goodnight.

Aisley and I
Posted in family, Goals, Life, love, People

So, Where Was I?

So, yesterday, I (as you may or may not have read already) tried to publish a blog regarding my nomination for the “Most Versatile Blogger Award”, and at the last second, my computer…sort of ate it or something. I was very upset, especially because it took me a really, really long time to finish because I was busy doing a bunch of other stuff so I was writing in little snatches. That sounds SO much dirtier than what I was actually doing, that I had to stop and chuckle. Sorry, mom.

ANYWAY…I was incredibly flattered and stoked to be nominated by…well, it’s an anonymous blog, so I guess I’ll call her “Mrs. Mess”  at being a beautiful mess ( I really hope that works as a link, I am having some problems figuring this out. If it doesn’t, i strongly encourage you to search it. It will be worth the effort.)

Oh my gosh! I am going to try to hurry and do this, as it is now Sunday morning, my first day back to work in what feels like two weeks, but it’s actually only been one. Yes,  I was on vacation. Yes, I still didn’t blog. I’m really sorry. I just didn’t feel like it! I don’t know what else to say. Not very versatile of me, was it? Okay, I apologize…that was a really bad segue into my POINT, which was:

THANK YOU! How cool to be nominated for an award! I had hoped it would happen one day, but I didn’t think it would be now. I kind of feel like I don’t deserve it. But I am going to try to earn it by being more consistent, I promise. Okay, so, onward and upward!

Here are the rules of acceptance:

1.) Add the award to your blog. Here it is!

2.) Thank the blogger who gave it to you, and include a link to their blog:

Thank you, Mrs. M, you are a sweet woman who writes deeply and from the heart. I really appreciate you thinking of me. I am going to post this link again, in hopes that if you have not clicked on it already, you will now- a beautiful mess .

3.) Mention seven random things about yourself.  (I’ll get back to this one.)

4.) list the rules

5.) Nominate fifteen or more other bloggers for this award.

Okay, so, 7 random things about me. Here goes:

1) When I think about something that embarrasses me, I hum, out loud. I have done this since at least my early twenties, and have no idea why. But if you hear me humming for no apparent reason, tunelessly and out of the blue, you can bet your ass I am thinking about the time my daughter took my thong underwear to school for show-n-tell. (Yes, that really happened, and YES, it was a Christian preschool. Hmmm-hmm-hmm!)

2) I have a cool, little, flat mole on the inside of my third toe, right foot, left side. I always check to make sure it is still there. I did it just now. It is.

3) When I weigh myself, and it doesn’t look good, I automatically assume the scale is broken. I call this “survival of the fattest”, and it works for me.

4) I am incapable of sleeping later than eight in the morning, no matter what time I go to bed. I CAN get up and then go back to bed in an hour or two, but I have to get up for a little bit.

5) I am in love with Goodwill. I buy about 85% of my clothing there. Yesterday I bought 5 shirts and a pair of shoes for $19.50.  Even if I only wear two of the shirts three times, and none of the rest of it, I feel like I got a good deal.

6) I seriously want to wait to repair my credit until I see if the world ends this year.

7) I have reached a point in my life where I no longer have an interest in waxing my own body or painting my own toe nails. I will gladly pay someone else, but I’m not doing it.

And here is the tough part- nominating 15 bloggers. Not because there aren’t fifteen awesome bloggers to nominate, but because I don’t think I read 15 blogs, in all honesty. I am going to do the best I can, here, and I apologize if I bend the rules a little bit.

1) I would like to re-nominate the girl…er, woman, sorry…who nominated me in the first place. I am not going to post yet a third link to her page here, but I will call her Mrs. M from a beautiful mess. Oh, what the heck. Took five seconds.

2) My buddy Bennie at My Ideal Woman. He is awesome, engaging, personable and relate-able. I LOVE HIM. Check it out.

3) One of my personal favorites, Heather Christina Schmidt at B(itch) Log. Hilarious.

And you know what? I have to get ready for work now, so I will have to finish this later. Gives you time to check out the bloggers I have posted here already. Have a great day, you guys, and thank you so, so, so, so much for reading!

Posted in Uncategorized

I am SO Bummed out!

I spent little pieces of the entire day writing a blog thanking “Mrs. Mess” at Beautiful Mess for nominating me for the “Versatile Blogger” Award. And I finally finished it. And then my computer deleted it.

Needless to say, after so much time NOT blogging, I am incredibly flattered to receive ANY award, and incredibly frustrated that this has happened. I am going to write a hell of an acceptance blog tomorrow, and a really big thanks.

Today, I am just going to try really hard not to throw my F***ing computer through a window.