Lying to Oneself

I pride myself on being a really honest person. As a matter of fact, if you asked me, I would tell you- without even thinking- that I am probably honest above almost everything else.

But you know what? I don’t know that I would be telling you the whole truth. I think, yes, I will tell you the truth if your haircut sucks really bad, or if the dress you are wearing is just awful (if you ask, of course. I am NOT in the habit of getting my face punched out.). If I were to, say, see your boyfriend at the gas station sucking face with another girl when I knew for a fact that he told you he was out of town on business- you can bet your sweet ass I would let you know. I would also make sure that he saw me, and that whoever the other girl was knew what a pig he was. I would hope that you would do the same thing for me.

And when I am in the wrong and I know it, I will almost always come to my senses, swallow my pride, and admit it, apologizing for any name calling that may have happened along the way. I try to stay aware of my shortcomings and take them into account when I am getting into it with someone.

The truth of the matter is, I think I treat others with a measure of honesty and fairness that I don’t always show myself.  The problem is, I can’t always see the big picture in my own life because I am too busy LIVING it, being right in the thick of it, you know?

I didn’t see a lot of the stuff that was going on with my older daughter because I am her mom, and I can only see her through my own, flawed, mommy-goggles. I brushed off some things that were important because I thought I knew her well enough that I could safely dismiss real feelings for attempts at getting attention. I refused to believe some crappy things about her because she is my daughter, my baby, and I KNOW her, how DARE you try to say that about MY daughter…you know?

And then there is this relationship I have. Sometimes I think it is a lot better than it is ( not often) and sometimes I think it is just a whole hell of a lot worse than it is. I blow stuff out of proportion. I convince myself, every other day, that it is OVER, that that was the last straw, that I cannot do it anymore…and here we are, five years later, stumbling along.  I am kind of starting to think that we are normal.

I don’t think anyone gets a free pass to happy-land when it comes to love. To be honest with you, I don’t even think that love is the thing we grow up thinking and expecting that it is, or that it will be. The truth is, it’s a lot of f*****g work.  It’s work I don’t always feel willing or able to do.  I think that fairy tale malarkey we grow up hearing and dreaming about is poison to real life love. Because that little tingle you may be lucky enough to feel for the first two years is there for a reason- to keep you sufficiently tolerant of one another for long enough so that you may sign a lease, exchange a set of rings, or have a baby. After that stuff happens, you are in it, WAY in it, and the point becomes about keeping yourself in it without drowning or killing someone else. Or, the point CAN be about making the best of what you have and trying to find a way to stay in it that works for everyone. Sometimes you can. Sometimes you can’t, but you have to be able to throw the towel in knowing you really did everything you could to make it work.

Sometimes that means recognizing that you aren’t so damned great, after all. That maybe you are a pain in the ass to live with, a slob, and a teensy bit self centered most of the time. Whatever the truth may be, I think it’s important to tell it, even to yourself, about yourself.

My truth today is that I am not leaving. Not today, or next week or anytime in the foreseeable future.  So I may as well stop complaining and start looking for the solution.

Things aren’t always great, but they could be a whole stinking lot worse- and perhaps, if we weren’t wasting so much time complaining about what is wrong, we could spend a little more time trying to work it out.

That’s where I am today. Hope that made some sense because I am not even going to read it back to myself before I post it.

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6 thoughts on “Lying to Oneself

  1. Sounds like you’re having a tough day, so here are some virtual hugs from your East Coast bud: ((((((HUGS))))))

    There is a bunch of stuff left unsaid in what you wrote (stuff I imagine is personal/private and not to be aired out in a public blog), but it doesn’t sound like you’re lying to yourself to me– you sound very aware of reality and how sometimes it sucks and you just have to buckle down and plow through.

    I like to think about people having what you described as mommy-goggles as just wanting to think the best of people you love dearly, to provide them with that ever-present cushion of optimism that she or he may one day be grateful to have available. Something for them to aspire to even if the reality falls short, you know?

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    1. Hi, Ben! No, I’m not having a bad day…I just get a little tired of the dramatics in my head sometimes. That was my version of giving myself a stern talking to. I am headed out to a write-in for Nano, I wish you were still hanging in there so we could trade notes. Maybe next year!

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  2. Okay, cool– well in that case those are “just because” virtual hugs 🙂

    Yeah, I need to start figuring out some plotlines and such for some story ideas so that next year I have at least a skeleton I can start filling in, I thought I might be able to just power through with will alone and… well, that just didn’t pan out very well!

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  3. Of course it is hard, and imperative, to be honest with yourself about yoursef. But it’s also important to be honest with yourself about the people you share your life with. (I know what you’re thinking – that I’m saying, “Here! Take MY advice! I’M not using it!!) The real questions are, is it a healthy relationship – for you, for him, for the kids? Or will you look back in five more years and think you’ve wasted more time, or created a difficult home environment for your children? Is it time to consider the next phase of your life without that ongoing drama of a bad relationship? Being a Taurus, I know you will stay as long as possible, because you’d rather deal with a crappy today than risk change for tomorrow. I know, because I am married to one, and he will stay forever no matter how unhealthy it is for him or for me. Everytime I complain to you, you say “So leave. Move back!”

    Easy for you to say, right?

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    1. Yeah, but I think I make myself unhappy sometimes thinking I am entitled to the world on a platter. The fact is, he loves me as I am & that isn’t an easy thing to do-you’re my mother and you struggle with it. I will stay until I am ready to go. Not a moment longer than that.

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