Seeing Beyond The Separation

I don’t know the right words to describe what I am going to attempt to describe here, anyway, so bear with me. You know how there are moments in your life where you are aware that it’s all different now? Like, something happens, and it may not even be a big thing, or at least it may be way in the aftermath of a whole bunch of big things, and you have settled down, and you are driving your car down the same old road and this feeling of…change, I guess, just sets itself down upon you?

Well, I am in such a place right now. I have been trying to deny the urge to write about it all morning, hoping it would just go away, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. So, here I sit.

Last night, the switch got tripped. It wasn’t my fault, let me assure you. I was in bed at eight thirty, fast asleep. Then I was awake again at ten, and the person who is SUPPOSED to be sleeping in bed beside me was nowhere to be found. Nowhere in the house, either. This went on for most of the night and into the morning. Was he out cheating on me again, or getting high with his friends? I don’t know. But the worst part is that I didn’t even feel like wasting my time worrying about it. I mean, been there, done that, you know. To me, the most troubling thing of all was my weariness of it all- like, I’m not mad, but fuck you, buddy. I’m tired, I need my rest. Go live this life of yours elsewhere.

Remember when I said ( I think it may have been my last post) that I wasn’t leaving? Well, that part remains true- I am not going anywhere. But he can’t live here anymore. I just need and deserve so much more. I feel so bad for Camryn, because she loves her daddy so much, but you know what? If  he really is as devoted to her as he seems, he will continue to be that no matter where he is living.

The funny thing is, normally, I can’t imagine myself beyond the pain of the separation- I get all caught up in the idea of loneliness, financial ruin, fear of being incapable of doing all this alone. But this time, I saw beyond it, in my head, and it was just like anything else- a situation you get accustomed to, that becomes better, with time, than anything that we could accomplish together. I saw my way into the peace that lies on the other side of what has become a long, sad train wreck.

Because the truth is, I don’t think we’ve really been together in a long, long time. Our lives have been steadily more separate despite all our half hearted  efforts to pull them back together. And when there is this much indifference, what, really, is there left to do?

There’s a life out there to be lived that is more than just us getting by, going through the motions. Today, I’m going to start easing back into it. It’s the next right thing to do.

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11 thoughts on “Seeing Beyond The Separation

  1. A lot of what you wrote here, the feelings and thoughts, remind me of when my ex and I split… I know it’s going to be tough, but be strong, keep being the awesome mom to your kids, and keep seeking your happiness and you will come through 🙂 ((((HUGS))))

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  2. Courtney………….I woke up this morning and got on Facebook and for some reason you stood out to me and i read your blog.I am so sorry for what you are going through and i know the feelings only too well………that being said,sometimes when this happens and you do realize that this doesn’t really hurt this time and now you just feel like “glad this is over” and you sit back and realize that you don’t have to live like like that anymore and you start to have some peace inside and you realize that now you can start over.You have and can do this and you have a mom and dad who will support you through through any and everything to help you be the best you can be.I hurt for you as you are my Daughter and i want you to be happy and and successful in your life.It is time for you to take care of you and those two beautiful daughters and move forward with your life.I am so very proud of you and want only the very best for you.I love you, Dad

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    1. Thanks, dad. It’s really hard for me not to just forgive and forgive and try to control the outcome of things, but I think that it’s really important to let him sweat it out now…I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I don know what it holds for me- no more of this BS, whether he pulls it together or not. Either way, I win. I am tired of feeling like a doormat.

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  3. Dear Courtney, this is your aunt Cindy, I know it has been a long time but I have tried to get a hold of you. I never walked out on you, I guess awhile back I walked out on me. Life doesn’t have a lot of answers, but mostly the questions. I am trying to be in your dads life as much as we can. I read this, and I stayed in a relationship for 40 years. I’ve left it because the marriage is done. Dave, and I are really happy now, because we are relieved. We are however best friends, the best way if possible. Hope you get something from this. Wish you would let me in your facebook, you, and your sister are a long time away from me. But we can try. I loved you, and that hasn’t stopped just delayed.

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    1. Man, I just got way into this reply and my computer deleted it- what I was saying is that I feel bad for not responding to you before when you reached out to me; I have a serious aversion to the drama in the Duncan family which makes me hesitant to let down my guard. If there is a possibility that we can all mend fences and act nice rather than gossip like fools about each other, then, yes, I would love that. Please send me another friend request, I would be happy to accept. Thank you for reading.

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