Inevitable Sadness

I guess it was stupid of me to think that I could feel ONLY good about what is happening here, within the walls of this house. The fact of the matter is, a long and important relationship that I cherished and worked at and tried my very hardest to salvage is ending, and it would be weird as hell if it didn’t hurt  to let it go.

I thought Thanksgiving would be hard without him. I left on Thursday morning and drove, just me and the girls, to my late grandparents home up in Oakhurst. My family was all there- my mom and stepdad, my cousin Heidi whom I adore and look up to, and her husband Tom, who I also adore, her kids…my two uncles and various other folks. Thanksgiving was WONDERFUL. I didn’t have one moment where it felt weird or bad or lonely or anything. It was the first time I’d been home for the holiday in five years- all the time Devon and I had been together- and I can’t believe I missed it.

As a matter of fact, the entire time I was gone was like that- I spent the night with my sister in Fresno, and for the first time ever, we got to hang out, just her and I, with our kids, and do NOTHING. All of that pressure that comes with worrying that your significant other is okay, not bored, wanting to leave- it was gone, and it was wonderful. I am pretty sure that it doesn’t have to be that way, but in this relationship, it was always that way. if it wasn’t him wanting to leave my family, it was me wanting to leave his. Not that I don’t love his family, because I really, really do. I think it always had more to do with us not wanting to keep up the charade of happiness and harmony that made it hard…I don’t know.

To be honest, I sort of dreaded coming home to him and that familiar hostility more than anything. He hasn’t said much to me since the break up. I mostly have just left him alone, knowing there is nothing I can say that he wants to hear.

Yesterday, I left the baby with him and took the kids up to San Francisco for the day because I promised them (Aisley and her boyfriend) that I would. At the last second, and old friend of mine asked if I’d meet him for breakfast, and since it was on the way, I said yes. He ended up riding along with us for the day, and I had a fantastic time. I was so glad he came, since the kids didn’t want me tagging along with them, making gagging sounds every time they kissed (which is WAY more than necessary, in my opinion.) He just recently ended a ten year relationship, and is still trying to figure it all out- he’s dating a lot, or rather, he was, and now he’s sort of started seeing only one girl that he really likes, but you can tell he’s still a little wobbly- trying to get his land legs, as it were.

I spent a lot of time talking about my situation, which is how you could tell it wasn’t a date- we both talked pretty constantly about our big, significant, failed relationships. But we had a great time, and being with him, who paid for my breakfast and had an all-day conversation with me, full of actual WORDS…well, it gave me hope. And it reminded me of how much I like to laugh, and flirt (innocently), and be heard. I came home thinking I would be okay. Better than okay. Better than ever before, maybe.

Then I got a letter from Devon, via Facebook (?), late, late at night. I read it twice, and then I replied, and that’s when the tears started. Just writing about it is starting them up again. He told me that he is hurting, and I could tell that he is angry and resentful and scared. I think it is finally sinking in that I am not bluffing this time.

The idea that he is hurting and feeling afraid, and that I am the source of this, it’s pretty unbearable for me. I understand that it’s a lot more complicated than that, but in a nutshell, in it’s simplest form, I am hurting him. I HATE that. I’ve said it here before, that I still love him, so it makes sense that it hurts me terribly to cause him pain. So many times I’ve felt like I could see the little kid in him, right beneath his grown up face, and a part of me is fiercely protective of that, even now.

But the fact remains that I want out. The truth I can see, through all of the heartache, is that there is nothing left of our relationship to save. It’s gone. And I am just not going to pretend. The letter I wrote back to him is not what he was wanting from me, which is going to cause him more pain, and I am really, really sad and sorry about that. At the bottom of it all, I feel like I am really making the best decision, not only for me but for both of us- that he deserves to be happy just as much as I do, and we can’t be happy together. Hopefully, he will see this eventually, too.

I am only responsible for myself, though, really, and trying to be in charge of his happiness is part of the reason we wound up here. I think if I would have let things run their course naturally, we would have broken up the first year.

Ah, I don’t know where to go from there. I guess I will just end here by saying this- I will let the tears come when they need to, and I will be enormously loving and gentle with myself, knowing that continued joy is ahead. I will pray for him, myself, and our children, and practice turning it back over to God when I start wanting to fix it.

Have a great day.

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11 thoughts on “Inevitable Sadness

  1. (((hugs))) to you and I needed to read this today, as you’ve given me a little strength to get moving and motivated. Seems the last few days, I’ve been wallowing because of a bad relationship, and I go from being optimistic to sad all because of “him”, and how he ended it and treated me for sooooo long.

    I should, everyday, be glad for the good times to come, and not being stressed, like you, on so many levels. Glad you had a great holiday!! It’s sad when there is heartbreak, but once we see it for what it IS, a learning experienced for us to grow, it then becomes a bit easier for us to deal with. xoxo

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  2. A hard journey. Thank you for letting us follow you on this one. You are so much healthier than you realize….people will tell you many things and I hope you sort through and use what feels right. God gave every animal strong instincts, he gave them to us humans too…Trust yours! My hope is that you take all the time you need to learn the lessons and examine what attracted you here and leave that part of you behind as well. God speed on your journey.

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  3. Yeah, unless you’re rather heartless and selfish (i.e. like my ex) you’re bound to feel bad and sad when you’re the one to decide to end a relationship and the other person isn’t ready for it to end. Like you said, you’ve given it quite a lot of time and effort, and ultimately this is going to be the best for both of you. So long as both parents love them and make the effort to be there for them, the kids will adapt as they do so well.

    It brought a smile to my face to hear that you had such a nice time over Thanksgiving holiday with your family, and enjoyed a day with your friend– especially one who can relate well with what you’re going through. While I’ve got a couple close friends who have been great to lean on through the end of my marriage, I don’t have many local friends who can really relate– most are either (mostly) happily married or never married/no kids.

    I know this post is titled Inevitable Sadness, but I read a lot of optimism, compassion and strength here– you’re going to be okay my dear 🙂

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  4. Hello – so sad I had such a bad headache on Thanksgiving! It really was disappointing not to be able to enjoy the day to the fullest and I want you to know that the ONLY thing that made me feel better was you talking to me to keep my mind off the pain!
    On the subject of pain – no matter how much you love/care for someone – whether together or breaking up – you will hurt each other at some point. I am praying for you and your family and Devon and know you will all be fine!

    Love you! Heidi

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  5. Touching! Like ive always said, You really know how to word your stuff! Think im just going to stop reading your blogs, before i end up losing it!
    D.

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