Posted in Uncategorized

Lying to Oneself

I pride myself on being a really honest person. As a matter of fact, if you asked me, I would tell you- without even thinking- that I am probably honest above almost everything else.

But you know what? I don’t know that I would be telling you the whole truth. I think, yes, I will tell you the truth if your haircut sucks really bad, or if the dress you are wearing is just awful (if you ask, of course. I am NOT in the habit of getting my face punched out.). If I were to, say, see your boyfriend at the gas station sucking face with another girl when I knew for a fact that he told you he was out of town on business- you can bet your sweet ass I would let you know. I would also make sure that he saw me, and that whoever the other girl was knew what a pig he was. I would hope that you would do the same thing for me.

And when I am in the wrong and I know it, I will almost always come to my senses, swallow my pride, and admit it, apologizing for any name calling that may have happened along the way. I try to stay aware of my shortcomings and take them into account when I am getting into it with someone.

The truth of the matter is, I think I treat others with a measure of honesty and fairness that I don’t always show myself.  The problem is, I can’t always see the big picture in my own life because I am too busy LIVING it, being right in the thick of it, you know?

I didn’t see a lot of the stuff that was going on with my older daughter because I am her mom, and I can only see her through my own, flawed, mommy-goggles. I brushed off some things that were important because I thought I knew her well enough that I could safely dismiss real feelings for attempts at getting attention. I refused to believe some crappy things about her because she is my daughter, my baby, and I KNOW her, how DARE you try to say that about MY daughter…you know?

And then there is this relationship I have. Sometimes I think it is a lot better than it is ( not often) and sometimes I think it is just a whole hell of a lot worse than it is. I blow stuff out of proportion. I convince myself, every other day, that it is OVER, that that was the last straw, that I cannot do it anymore…and here we are, five years later, stumbling along.  I am kind of starting to think that we are normal.

I don’t think anyone gets a free pass to happy-land when it comes to love. To be honest with you, I don’t even think that love is the thing we grow up thinking and expecting that it is, or that it will be. The truth is, it’s a lot of f*****g work.  It’s work I don’t always feel willing or able to do.  I think that fairy tale malarkey we grow up hearing and dreaming about is poison to real life love. Because that little tingle you may be lucky enough to feel for the first two years is there for a reason- to keep you sufficiently tolerant of one another for long enough so that you may sign a lease, exchange a set of rings, or have a baby. After that stuff happens, you are in it, WAY in it, and the point becomes about keeping yourself in it without drowning or killing someone else. Or, the point CAN be about making the best of what you have and trying to find a way to stay in it that works for everyone. Sometimes you can. Sometimes you can’t, but you have to be able to throw the towel in knowing you really did everything you could to make it work.

Sometimes that means recognizing that you aren’t so damned great, after all. That maybe you are a pain in the ass to live with, a slob, and a teensy bit self centered most of the time. Whatever the truth may be, I think it’s important to tell it, even to yourself, about yourself.

My truth today is that I am not leaving. Not today, or next week or anytime in the foreseeable future.  So I may as well stop complaining and start looking for the solution.

Things aren’t always great, but they could be a whole stinking lot worse- and perhaps, if we weren’t wasting so much time complaining about what is wrong, we could spend a little more time trying to work it out.

That’s where I am today. Hope that made some sense because I am not even going to read it back to myself before I post it.

Posted in family, Life, People

Voting With Your Pocketbook, Voting With Your Heart

These are two very different things.

Even though I really don’t have time to write this today, I am going to steal a little time from something else, because I think it is important.

I voted for Obama, let’s be clear about that. I did it last time, and I would do it again next time if I could. I have been supporting him since he popped up, because I believe in the things he stands for. Generally speaking, I am a Democrat. But, if the better man for the job was a Republican, I would certainly vote that way ( not that I ever see that happening, I’m just saying that I try to keep an open mind).

Really quickly, I just want to say that the reasons a lot of people I know are angry that Obama was reelected really bother me. They are angry because he hasn’t done “enough”. They are angry because they think it’s unfair that there are so many illegal immigrants in this country that we have to pay extra taxes for.  One, whose name I will not mention, is angry because his health care reform bill hurt her business.

I just want to address those things here.

  1. No one can argue that Obama inherited the biggest, foulest mess in my memory. The fact that he has done as much as he has done, kept as many promises as he has, especially with congress cock blocking him every step of the way (for NO f*****g reason, I might add) tells me something about his tenacity, and his sense of honor. I can still look at Obama with respect. I certainly couldn’t say that about Bush after four years- could you?
  2. There have been illegal immigrants since the time that the Europeans started coming over here with their diseases and guns. Unless you are a native american, you can’t really complain. Are you? I didn’t think so. Check it out, people- California, where I live, BELONGED to Mexico and Spain before it ever belonged  to us. I have great grandparents from Portugal, Ireland and England, Germany and who knows where else, and that was only three generations ago.  America is the land of opportunity for ALL.  Rather than being angry at the paltry few dollars you are “losing” to fund the new and terrifying lives of people who ESCAPE the hell of the place they live for a hope of something better, you ought to be happy that money isn’t going to line the pocket of some rich asshole living it up and getting tax breaks from it. Put yourself in the place of that young man or woman from wherever, and how scared they must be, how bad it must have been to leave everything you know behind to come to a country where you have no one, and everyone looks down their nose at you.
  3. Last but not least, I’m just going to say it- every human being on this planet deserves health care, period. I don’t think I deserve it more because I was lucky enough to be born here, and be white. I think my children and your children, people I hate, people who live lives I don’t agree with, all people, without exception, deserve access to health care. It should be a right and not a privilege.

Once upon a time, I was an irresponsible, drug addicted woman who couldn’t or wouldn’t work and I relied on the “system” for a lot of things that I shouldn’t have had to. But you know what? My daughter had access to healthcare and food that she wouldn’t have otherwise.  That was a long time ago, and I have paid my share back. Not once has that tiny sum of money missing from my check made a difference to me.  I believe with all my heart that everyone of us deserves a shot at a good life. Not all of us know how to get started without help.

That is all I have to say. Have a blessed and wonderful day.


Posted in humor, Life, People, random, writing

So Much I Want to Say

If only I had the time.

Hi, kids! I really, really, really don’t want to get out of the habit of checking in here-especially since I just got back into it. But…I am doing nano. I have to write like 1800 words a day now just to stay caught up (thanks to that day in Reno when I opted to play blackjack rather than write). I am really, really serious about my writing career now, for reasons I will reveal to you all in a future blog. I am back to work at my 9 to five- well, 7 to 3:30, actually, but you know what I mean.

I still have kids, and bills and boyfriends. NO! No, I have A boyfriend, that was erroneous info, there. I can barely keep up with one, trust me. Lucy still needs to be walked every day, and I am still going to meetings and trying to force myself to go to kickboxing a few nights a week. As you can see, this leaves me very little time for blogging. Yet, here I sit, doing it anyway.

I just wanted you all to not give up on me just yet- I have a lot to say, most of it frivolous but entertaining. I hope you will remain interested through these lean times. I will work through these glitches and get myself into a routine.


Posted in Goals, humor, Life, Uncategorized, writing

The Playground of a Writer’s Mind

This may or may not be brief.

You see, I’m supposed to be doing something else right now- calling an  attorney for a person I gave birth to, once (don’t ask), packing my clothes to leave town tomorrow…and something else…what is it again?

Oh! That’s right! I’m supposed to be completing my one thousand, six hundred something words for this little thing called NaNoWriMo? Maybe you’ve heard of it? Anyhoo, ( I despise that bastard phrase and don’t know why I even used it) in case you have not, it is this insane writing challenge where a bunch of already nutty people get together across the universe and agree that each of them will try to turn out a 50,000 page novel in one month. Thirty days, November first to November 30th.

No, you do not get time off for Thanksgiving, or even black Friday. I don’t really know why they picked November of all months- I mean, why not May? No one does anything in May! But November it is, and I agreed to their rules, and I am way too stubborn to give up, so…

So I’m sitting here writing THIS. Seems a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

Well, let me tell you a little something about the crazy mind of a writer who has agreed to begin a project on a certain day and finish by a certain deadline- ALL October, all I could think about was this challenge. I knew what I was going to write, and who the characters were going to be, where they would live, what they looked like and what the point of the whole story would be. It nearly killed me not to be a cheater and start early, I was so enthused.

So, I wake up at four thirty this morning, turn on my computer, write about 600 words, and catch myself SURFING THE INTERNET. Weeks of planning, and suddenly, under the pretense of googling “common witch names in history”, I am off in f*****g la-la land! Unbelievable.

I redirect myself back to my story, and get so excited over some little unexpected plot twist that I HAVE to have a cigarette. Except I don’t smoke inside, and I don’t want to haul my laptop out, so…a few minutes later, I realize I have just hoodwinked myself once again and slyly sidestepped my goal in life, which is to write my stupid story!

This went on and on in one way or another right up until the time I had to leave and do time in the “real” world. At least things make some sense out there. Anyway, I have to get back to what I’m supposed to be doing right now.  Well, right after I finish dying my hair, that is.

Love you all! Happy Writing, if you are one of my tribe!