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Courtney’s New Year Revolution


According to page 1649 of my beloved Webster’s Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary (of the English Language, mind you), the word Revolution means quite a few different things. The one I am most interested in is: “3. a sudden, complete or marked change in something”. , which I believe could be applied, in a smaller sense, to one’s life, don’t you think? I’ll just assume you are in agreement, and move along…

You see, 2013 just SUCKED for me. It Sucked BALLS, for the most part. I will not be the least bit sad to see the last of this year, let me tell you. Without exerting the tiny amount of energy it would require for me to actually investigate, I am going to guess that I may have said, or at least felt, the same way about the year before that. So, do I think that there has been some cosmic misalignment that has caused me to feel so utterly miserable? Perhaps my chakras need unblocking or some such thing? Well, in all honesty, I am not totally ruling those things out…but I DO believe that 98% of my misery has originated within me, and that I am 100% responsible for my own happiness. Without further ado, I would like to formally introduce the plan for 2014 and my personal revolution.

  • If you are anything like me, you probably think you might actually throw up if you have to see the word “mindfulness” even one more time. So I am not going to do that to you…suffice it to say, I am going to pay more attention to what is going on in my head. When my negative thoughts start to take my rational brain hostage, I am going to say “stop”. Then, I am going to take a deep breath, and simply change direction. I can do this, if I pay attention. The reason for this being number one on my list is simple enough- my thoughts are making me fucking crazy, and wearing me out, and I am tired of being crazy and worn out. I’ve got to do something else now.
  • I am going to take better care of myself. I mean this in the gentlest, most tender and loving way possible, and again, I am starting in this insanely busy head of mine- I am going to stop berating myself for the myriad of things I fall short of, mess up on, can’t compete with, didn’t take advantage of, and will probably never get to do now. To those thoughts, my new answers are this: Bullshit, oh, well, this isn’t a contest, get over it already, and, says who? I don’t know what happened that made me turn on myself, but the truth is, I used to really, really adore me…perhaps a little more than was actually warranted, even. Somewhere along the way, I lost that lovin’ feeling…now it’s gone, gone, gone…you know? So when I say “take better care of myself”, I mean this across the board- yes, eat better foods, take longer walks, get more rest, drink more water, learn to sit still for small amounts of time…but more than all of those other things, or at least as much, forgive myself, give myself a break, think kind thoughts about the girl I am. Because I’m really not so bad.
  • I am going to be present. When I sit down with my three year old, I am going to be looking at my three year old, and listening to what she has to tell me…I will not be messing with my phone, getting pissed off because her chatter is making me lose my train of thought, therefore destroying my hilarious status update on facebook. Facebook can wait- this kid is only going to be little for a minute! Same goes for my 16 year old daughter, my person, my friends, my family. I want to be a real participant in the lives of the people around me…and in my own life, for that matter. I need to slow down, do one thing at a time, and do that thing well.
  • Along those lines, I am going to enjoy my life. I have not enjoyed very much of my life at ALL the past two years. There have been stretches of good, but they were very short, and that is too bad. I lost a close friend this year, and though we didn’t spend a ton of time together anymore, my impression of the past few years of her life were that she was extremely stressed out. Her death really opened my eyes (not to mention, broke my heart)…I want to fill my life with JOY, and with Laughter, and good, meaningful, important things. The opportunity for this lies in everything I do- it’s up to me to make things that way. If I died tomorrow, I would be sad that I didn’t find more happiness in my life.
  • Which leads me to this: Have gratitude. I have so much, you guys. I have so many unbelievable blessings in my life- a great job, beautiful, healthy children, a guy who loves me, friends who love me, a mom and dad who love me. Even my dog loves me. I live in a country where I have nothing but open doors and chances to succeed, I want for nothing. But I have gotten into a sad habit of finding every part of my life wanting. Nothing FEELS good to me, including me. But I wonder…if I started to think about all the things that are right, would things start to look better? Would I start to feel better?
  • And, finally, this: I will not live in fear anymore. My fears are too numerous to count, ranging from embarrassing to totally ridiculous, over the top, and unlikely. Some of my fears are about things that are already happening, some of things that have happened, and some will never happen, in a million years. Probably. You know what all of them have in common? I have no control over any of them. The only thing I can do is try to live right, try to be a good person, try to be happy, and do my best. I believe with all my heart that everything happens for a reason, and always exactly the way it is supposed to. Fear is only useful in life or death situations, and I need to remember that a 48 hour notice from PG&E does NOT qualify.

To sum things up, I just want my life to look nothing like it looks right now. I can change at any time, I know, but the new year seems like such a great place to start. Oh, and another thing I forgot- the end to my self imposed “writers sulk” I have been indulging, counterproductively, in for so long. Not writers block, writers sulk, you read correctly. But that is for another blog. Lets assume you’ll be hearing from me again, very soon.