My Blog Turned 2, and Now It Won’t Listen to a Thing I Say…

Actually, this was like a week or more ago, now. I get so busy with my stupid reality, I have no time to actually sit down and write about it. I could do it during work, but I feel too guilty. Don’t get me wrong, I screw around just like everyone else, I just make sure not to do anything that I enjoy a whole lot- that way, it doesn’t feel so bad.  So anyway, I thought it would be fun to write a little bit about what I have learned about blogging, and about myself, in these past couple of years. Here goes:

10.) The thing I intended to write about in the beginning, my “whole life makeover”, is possible…just not for someone with kids. I love the idea of being the very best me I can possibly be, up to and including : Shiny, bouncy hair; slender waist and perky boobs, bonus if my ass isn’t sliding down my thighs as it has implied, lately, that it might; gym going, yoga doing little ball of focused energy; responsible, organized and self-assured; maintains and tends to her important relationships, excellent mother, clean house…you get the idea, right? I want to be a fucking superwoman, just like every other chick who isn’t lying to herself. But I have children, I work full time, and I am still my messed up, unruly, ADHD, drug addict self. Some days, the VERY best I can do is show up and not verbally abuse people. Hell, some days, all I can do is show up. So, my blog isn’t about what I thought it would be about. But it is still about me…which leads me to:

9.) Be super duper careful when you write about your personal relationships. People do NOT like it when you talk about them on  the world wide web. They get all screwy and uptight and weird, and ask you not to mention their names (like anyone knows who the fuck you are, Grace. Just kidding, Ethel.) , and for God’s sake, if you have a habit of breaking up with someone and getting back together like some people on some other blogs (this one) I’ve read, you may want to think twice before posting that shit. Because a) Everyone will think you are stupid and hate your (ex)boyfriend, including you, and b) You will have to hear your (ex)boyfriend quote your words fourteen thousand and twenty seven times, until you threaten to cut him in his area. Yes, this is culled from real life, people.

8.) I am not as interesting or original as I thought. I read blogs all the time that are so much better than mine. I can think of one in particular (thank GOD she fixed her life and stopped writing, I couldn’t take it anymore. 🙂 ) where this woman had NO WRITING ASPIRATIONS AT ALL and her blog was a thousand times better than mine! Organized, cute, well thought out, interesting, and she stuck to her theme almost always. I don’t usually even know which personality is going to be writing my blog when I sit down, let alone where the hell I’m going to wind up. But trust me, wherever it is, someone has been there before…thanks to Google and WordPress, I now know there has never been an original thought in my head.

7.) I am also not a very fast learner. This one was a bit of a shocker, as I have always prided myself on being just that. But, when reviewing my timeline, I find that I am running into the same issues, again and again and again. I am not learning what I need to learn, or remembering what that is, or something. God, I have had it with me.

6.) I am a total attention hog. And a stats junkie. If I write it, I expect that they will come…and if they don’t, I expect that I will feel like shit. Look, some of my blogs are just so-so, but most of them, I really do like. At least, at the time I published them. So it’s not a big shocker that I think everyone will like the things I write…right? Every little “like” that is clicked, every little “reblog” gives me a little hit of the universal adoration I crave. It’s a sickness. You watch, there will be a 12 step meeting for it soon, if there isn’t already.

5.) It’s a lot harder to come up with a list of ten things than you will ever know until you sit down to write one.

4.) I really like internet porn. You have no idea how many times I have sat down to write and wound up…not writing, instead. I mean, really enthusiastically not writing. This, I hear, is also a sickness.

3.) I don’t have time to read as many blogs as I would like to, so I can’t blame anyone for not reading mine. I guess. Although, even though I just claimed to be neither interesting or original, clearly, you can see that I am both. I think it would behoove you to continue to read this blog, even though I ALSO just actually said I had no intention of reading yours. I might. But I will be famous someday, so it is worth your while…we all know that famous people are important. Well, I am important in waiting. Read me like the bible (if the bible had a lot of vulgarity, curse words and giant holes in it.) (Oh, wait. It does!)

2)When in doubt, do not hit “Publish”. If you are bleary eyed and half crocked at two a.m. and you think that what you have written is maybe a little risque, it is probably pornography and please don’t embarrass yourself. If you are in the same predicament and think your writing is really great…it probably really isn’t. Sleep on it. If and when you wake up, take a little peek, and see if you aren’t horrified. Trust me, I wish someone had been around to tell me that. Of course, they probably were, I just didn’t have time to read their blog.

1) I really, truly do love to write. It is an enormous part of who I am, and I am so grateful to live in the time that I do, where I can be a part of the WordPress community, no matter how sporadic I am, and say whatever I want, whenever I want to…for FREE. Just think- you would have missed out on this little gem if it weren’t for the guys running this ship! Yay wordpress! And Happy Birthday, toddler blog. You look exactly like your mother.