I have been very busy this past two months, with vacation and then getting settled back in, then the first of July came, and I have been pouring all of my energy into writing for Camp Nanowrimo. I have sat down here a time or two and started to write something, and then, every time, something happened to pull me away from it.
That’s a bit of a miracle in itself, you know, speaking of miracles- (Um, the title, in case you missed that. 🙂 ). You see, a few months ago, before I decided that it was time to start living my life right again, people weren’t exactly knocking my door down to come visit. My phone didn’t ring much, and I got the impression, when I did talk to people, that I made them very tired, or nervous, or both.
What has happened since I got clean is that I have gotten a real life again, and with all of that, it can get a bit overwhelming for an addict who isn’t using. We tend to be a little extra touchy about shit, anyway, to be honest with you- lots of times, it’s what got us into this whole mess in the first place, the fact that we feel things a bit more intensely than other people, and have fewer healthy coping skills. Sometimes, we didn’t start off that way, but years of abuse to our poor nervous systems leaves us frazzled. Anyway, for people who have lived in addiction for years, even the good parts of life can be overwhelming and upsetting.
I forgot about that. I forgot how disheartening it can be, to see how easily other people seem to navigate their lives when every day can be such a struggle for me. I am as disorganized, mentally, as I am literally, and it gets frustrating. Simple things can make me want to throw the towel in because I get so overwhelmed. Cleaning the house makes me unfailingly angry, because I am always floored by how bad it is, while living in a mess in also intolerable. I have to take a lot of breaks throughout the day just to talk myself down from ledges, mentally. My impulse control is just wretched, sometimes, and it takes a lot just to keep me from lashing out. I am telling you all this because I know I often expound on all of the positive, great stuff, and I want to be clear that I have just as many bad, embarrassing, lame issues as everyone else. Perhaps even a few more than average.
But I STILL believe in miracles…and you know why? Because, in spite of all of this, all of the outbursts, instability, and frustration, I still don’t use drugs. In spite of the fact that I could probably make quick work of losing these 20 nasty pounds that I have packed on, and have my house spic and span by tomorrow morning, I still wouldn’t do it, no way. Even though I am going through some really sad, uncomfortable, and painful stuff with my ex right now regarding our daughter, and it would feel really, really good to feel NOTHING…I have finally been able to grasp that dope is not a viable solution for me. That my children deserve better, and so do I. That if I were to give in, I would be losing before I ever got started. If that isn’t a miracle, I don’t know what is.
I have lost this battle so many times. The fact that I still keep trying is a miracle. I have hurt the people I love more times than I could ever count. The fact that they can forgive me, and love me anyway, is a miracle. I have abused my body beyond what it ever should have had to endure. The fact that I am still healthy, intact, and, amazingly, not a hideous, toothless old hag, is a miracle. I have a great job, beautiful children, a house by the beach, two dogs, three cats, a mom and a dad and a brother and sister who love me…I have friends who value my opinion and want to spend their time with me. Every one of those things is a miracle.
I could choose to focus on the things that I suck at, that I am inept and inadequate at handling. I could spend all day long listing the shit that is wrong with me. I don’t know who would wind up feeling worse, me or you! But if I had to tell you just one thing that is right in my life today, I would tell you this- I am a miracle. Whatever force you choose to believe in, that thing is working in me right now, helping me write this to share with you. I will never regret my past because without it, I may never have been able to see THIS- that my life is beautiful exactly the way it is.