6th Time’s a Charm?

Hi! You probably think I have been avoiding you, but let me just clear that up right away- it totally isn’t you, it’s me. I’ve just been…meh. By “meh”, I mean- indifferent, blank minded, disinterested, just BLAH. I am trying to push through that right now, since I have basically decided that no matter how badly this blog sucks today, I am just hitting publish anyway. I apologize ahead of time for that.

Actually, I have written- a total of 6 blogs, none of which I felt compelled to share with the world upon their completion. The truth is, where usually, the thoughts and words just flow forth, and somehow, as if by magic, the end presents itself rather neatly- that hasn’t been happening recently. I honestly don’t know what is going on, and I haven’t been in the mood to try to figure it out (back to the disinterested thing again), I just figured I would leave it alone for a minute, and come back later. I certainly didn’t mean for it to be three weeks!

I have been feeling the strangest way, lately, and it really makes me nervous. You know, I have been through some STUFF in my lifetime (most of it self-inflicted) and I have been down about as low as a person can get. The thing is, I always had this little spark in my heart, or a determined spirit, this thing that propelled me forward, made me push back when life tried to take me out. The reason I am a little nervous, lately, is because I am just not feeling that right now. I know that I am capable of great strength- I have proven this to myself again and again, and yet…I’m just so goddamned TIRED. I already know that I am strong and capable- why do I need to constantly be? That is what I want to know…when the f%@k can I just relax?

And I know, I know- I am the one who put myself exactly where I am. I chose to have another child at 35, which definitely changed the trajectory of my life. I do not regret that for a moment. I also chose, almost a year ago, to disentangle my life from the life of my daughters father, making me a single mom, yet AGAIN. This also was a significant change to the structure of my world. I still feel it was my best option at that time, and what needed to happen, but you know…I think it has been HARD. I  mean, WAY harder than I thought it would be. This past year, though good in so many ways, has been exhausting. I am trying to find my footing, to figure out how to be this super-mom, devote myself to my family and my career, try to fit in writing, try to take care of myself, try to take care of the dogs, the house, the bills, all the money (or lack thereof). Jesus Christ, no wonder I feel like I’m shell shocked…when you lay it all out like that, it doesn’t sound so crazy, does it?

Anyway…I also think that maybe I have gotten so used to responding like a champ to a crisis, I may not really know how to rise to the occasion of every day life. Like, I am only my best self when I absolutely have to be. Right now, I have been at my job for nearly seven secure years, which, if you are me, is like- I don’t know, nothing short of miraculous, honestly. This month marks the third year I have lived in my current house, another first for me. I don’t do this- keep jobs, phone numbers, addresses…even my hair color has been dramatically unchanged for quite a while now. And consistency is great- for kids, I hear, anyway. In all honesty, it has given me a chance, for the first time ever, to kind of figure out what is going on in my life. I’ve been still enough to see myself.

Maybe THAT is the bigger issue- maybe, for the first time ever, without any outside intrusion, without anyone else to distract me, I can see myself. Perhaps I have been settled for long enough to understand the parts of me that need a little work, instead of rushing off to the next place, or thing, or whatever, and sweeping the bigger issues under the rug. My rugs are no more- just me and the issues. I think that may be exactly what is going on, and I don’t think I am entirely comfortable with that. But, I’m a firm believer that everything happens exactly when and how it is supposed to, for the reason it is supposed to, and that it always works out in the end. So, I guess I will wait, and try to be patient.

Hmm…well, I hope that made a modicum of sense, and that perhaps one person who reads this will take something useful from it. It certainly served its purpose for me! I wrote some sense right into my head, how do you like that? Well, here you go- I guess it’s better than nothing. If not, well…there’s always the next one. Talk to you soon…I hope.