Posted in Addiction, anxiety, Depression, faith, Life, Mental Health, Musings, recovery, twelve step

Life on Life’s Terms

life on life's terms



I am having the hardest time ever with this post right now. This is the third blog I have started, and I am determined to finish this one, no matter how much I may hate it. Here’s the thing: I am having a shit time right now, for a number of reasons. None of them are big things, but a bunch of little things strung together, causing me stress and a general feeling of unease. I don’t feel comfortable with my life or in my body right now, and it’s bumming me out.

Here’s the thing, though. I understand that this is temporary, just like everything always is. My face has erupted like Mount Vesuvius, but…it is going to go back to normal. Eventually. I had a bunch of unexpected expenses come up all at once, but…they are going to be dealt with. Financial ruin is unlikely. I haven’t had time this week to buy groceries or get to the gym, and it sucks, but I will get back on track. It’s not the end of the world.

In my addict mind (and maybe in normal minds, too, I have no experience with living in one of those) everything is extremely black and white, all or nothing. Every time I get off track, I feel like I have failed utterly, and there will be no coming back for me. Which is ridiculous- I have millions of examples in my own life where that has not ever, not once, been the case. And yet, I persist with this wrong thinking. My mind often works against me, and it can be exhausting.

The solution? I believe it must be to just acknowledge that my wrong thoughts exist, be aware of that, and then work around them. Sometimes, I can think myself right into a corner, wedged so tightly that I can’t even move. Like, moving a muscle seems impossible, seriously. That is when I need to find the strength to haul my ass up anyway, and get some shit done. If I let myself sit in my mess for too long, that is when depression comes calling. And if you’ve ever dealt with depression, you know how hard that can be to get out of, and how scary it feels when it’s breathing down your neck. Inaction is not my friend in this situation.

I keep thinking about how, four days ago, I wrote a post about laughter, and how weird it may seem to any attentive readers that I am now writing about something quite the opposite of that. Maybe you will think I am nuts…hell, maybe I am. But here’s the thing- life doesn’t care how great I felt last week. Life just shows up, and does what it does. What I have learned in recovery is that I am supposed to be living life on life’s terms, meaning I deal with what life serves up, to the best of my ability, without taking anything to change the way I feel. This is harder than it sounds sometimes. Not the part where I don’t take anything, I’ve grown used to that. It’s the part where I cope with it well that eludes me sometimes.

I get nervous. I get scared. I feel like a lot of people depend on me, and I don’t know if I am up to the task. I retreat. I close up. I shut down.

But I always, always, always (so far) pull it together in the end. I always find a way to come out the other side of my feelings intact. I have a 100% success rate so far of not destroying my life completely, as long as I stay clean. I may not be feeling my best today, but tomorrow…who knows? Hell, later today I might feel better. You just never know. My job is just to hang in there, do my best, and wait for things to change. Because they always do, for better or worse.


I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

21 thoughts on “Life on Life’s Terms

  1. This was so touching and bare. Thank you for sharing this. If I may, I would like to suggest hypnosis to help your journey. I debated writing this because I really don’t want to come off like I am just pushing hypnosis on everyone, but I feel as though if I do not suggest it, I am potentially keeping something from you that can be life-changing and that seems cruel. Personally, I have worked with clients who suffered from various addictions (everything from heroin to alcohol to pot and everything in between). I can tell you that hypnosis helped them to release negative emotions and self-talk and to feel better and get rid of any urges to backslide. If you like, I can give you recommendations for Hypnotists in your area. The key is to find someone with whom you are comfortable. Most offer free consultations so you can learn more hypnosis and their particular techniques and then make an informed decision.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ooh, yes, I love the idea of hypnosis! I already meditate on a daily basis, and have often thought about hypnosis. This may sound weird, but do you know anything about past life regression? You may not believe in that stuff, but just in case, thought I’d ask.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I do. I will say this: there are many schools of thought as to what PLR really is…Some believe it is what it sounds like – returning to a past life. Some believe it is getting in touch with another who has passed on (often a relative). Some think it is getting in touch with the universal consciousness. Some believe it is the unconscious mind speaking in metaphors (that is the language of the unconscious after all). I don’t know what the truth is, but I don’t think it matters. We all make our own truths anyway. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “At this moment”, is my favorite part of the quote. It reminds me of the serenity prayer which can be spoken to ourselves as many times needed in a day. It’s a moment, and they will pass onto better moments. Thank you for sharing. xx

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thank you.
    I helps a lot to know I am not alone in sometimes having both deep peace and clarity that I am on the right path, and intense fear that it is all screwed up and I might as well give up now.

    Writing about it does help. Hiding our ups and downs only give the downs power.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I think a lot of small and medium things have been shit for a lot of us lately. Good for you for writing about it, and for knowing it’ll change, and for staying clean. Those will help the most, I think. That, and doing nice things for others, since that helps them and helps the time pass.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I used to think that because I was being “good” by not drinking, “bad” things would no longer happen to me. But life is still life, and I still have to deal with it. But it’s sooooo much easier now than when I was making things worse by drinking.
    I hope things get better for you soon. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you so much for your post. I sometimes forget that I am not alone when I get all up and inside of myself with those feelings and emotions and fears. I don’t know what it is to have one of those kinds of minds either. It’s always all or nothing. The extremes. Maybe that’s what helps me to feel more alive? Feeling is the operative word. I couldn’t handle feeling, so I erased it by doing you know what. I sometimes get scared of allowing myself to feel, but that is what life is to me now. Feeling. Living in my own skin, feeling all the stuff I wouldn’t allow myself to or too afraid to feel. It’s been a bit of time now, and I am getting used to it, and I’m even embracing the hard feelings because I am starting to learn who I am. Thank you so much for sharing. I am grateful to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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