Posted in anxiety, Depression, faith, inner peace, Life, Mental Health, Musings

Being Human

being human

Last week was ROUGH. You may have notice my absence here, you may not have. I think I threw out my “Three things” post, and that was about it. I just wasn’t feeling it. I wrote a really angry post on Friday morning, but opted not to publish it, as it just didn’t feel like who I want to show up in the world as. Angry me is not the best me. So I left it. The event that happened to inspire the anger happened, and I can’t change it. Suffice to say that human beings are fickle and misguided sometimes, and they are prone to doing things that will disappoint you. Some humans are more prone to this than others. When you know this about them, it’s kind of on you to proceed accordingly. I forgot that, and I got a solid reminder. I am practicing acceptance, and will try to forgive but stop forgetting. I forget too easily. Sorry for the vagueness- I hate when other people do that shit, and here I am doing it. The sum of the matter is, someone hurt my feelings and went behind my back, and I am trying to deal with the situation with a modicum of dignity and some wisdom, rather than my normal routine of utterly blowing up, seeking revenge, and making everything three thousand times worse. I am trying to change.

In other news, this dance I have been doing with depression- good Lord, it gets old. It’s not bad enough for me to stop showering, but it’s just bad enough where I will skip other little things- I don’t bother putting on lotion, I don’t bother brushing my hair. Rather than dealing with laundry, I’ll just wear the same clothes I had on the day before- it’s not like I did anything, anyway. It’s this weird thing where I am always wondering, am I supposed to lean into it, or do I fight it? Do I let myself feel how I am feeling, or do I “act as if”, plaster a smile on my face, and fake it like crazy? There’s this fear that if I let myself rest here too long, I won’t ever be able to get back up again. It’s hard to know how to care for yourself properly when your instincts are all screwed up, and you aren’t really sure you can trust yourself. So, I have been doing a little bit of both things- resting a little bit more than usual, and as soon as I can, I get up and do as much as I am able to. It seems to be working. I definitely got less than usual done this weekend, but I did get more done than I expected.

I’ve had a chance to talk to a few different people about the way I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through, and each one of them confirmed that they know exactly what I am talking about and have found themselves dealing with the same things- if not right now, then recently. What I got out of that is that maybe this is just part of growing up, growing older. You think things will be a certain way, and they aren’t, and it’s hard on our spirits. I think we have this idea that when we reach a certain age, everything evens out and life gets easy- I know I, at least, always sort of pictured life this way when I was younger; “When I accomplish a), b), and c), everything will be just right…” But that isn’t how it works. There are growing pains at every age, and I think they are made harder by the inevitable cynicism we pick up along the way. Call it wisdom or knowledge if that makes you feel more comfortable, but the fact is, as we age, we learn unhappy truths and it can fuck with feelings of hope and happiness. That can be hard to deal with.

So what, then, are we to do? Well, we just keep going, just like I am doing, and try to deal with our uncomfortable feelings the best we can. Try not to let it shut you down completely. If you just can’t do another thing, give yourself a break and binge some Bob’s Burger, for levity, and recharge your battery. “Act as if” a little, and say “Fuck it all” a little. Take as good of care of yourself as you can, and forgive yourself immediately for what you can’t quite do. But definitely do what you can.

Listen, life is hard sometimes, but it is also beautiful- it can be beautiful and hard at the same time, even. You might have to look a little harder to see it, but it’s all still there. Today, my intention is to push myself a little more than I did yesterday because, so far, I am feeling a little better…but that could change, and I am not going to be mad at myself if things don’t go as planned. I’m going to treat myself like a good friend who is going through a rough time (because essentially, that is what I am) and act accordingly. I am going to look for the beauty. And I am going to allow myself to be this weird little human that I am.


I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

8 thoughts on “Being Human

  1. Huge hugs. I’ve found myself having to explain to my eldest daughter recently about some people just being assholes – and there’s not much you can do about it. Learning to deal with them takes a long time – and if you’ve not encountered somebody like that for a while, you forget – we all do – because most people are good, and don’t expect to get shit on…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I enjoy your writing.

    I am 65 years old. I don’t believe that I will ever get all of my ducks in a row as it were. I accept that I will have good days and bad days. That one day something will be black that used to be white, and most things can be gray. But what I do believe and act on each day is using some tools to try and move forward on the long road toward true self.

    Based on my experience, I know that even if I just go through the motions something will happen down the road.

    I just got back from a 10-day pilgrimage of sorts to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland Ohio and AA Co-Founder Dr. Bob Smith’s home/museum in Akron. I had thought for quite a while that this trip would be quite revelatory in going to two “shrines” of things that are so important in my life – music and sobriety. So, yeah the places were good – but what I found most meaningful about the trip was the family and friends I visited in Mississippi, Tennessee, and Ohio along the way. Not what I had expected, but I got more out of the path than the destination goal.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hey, thanks for the post, I’m going through an all people are assholes phase and just want to isolate but I’ll get my meetings, swim and run a bit and it’ll pass. I get what you’re saying though, when shit like this it can consume us. Plotting revenge in our heads…just eats us up. Sending hugaramas S x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m just constantly amazed by how much less I freak out these days. I would still be plotting my revenge five days later had this happened a few years ago. Now, I’m just like “well, you’re a dick…but I knew that already. My bad.” And it actually feels better not to have to get even. Who knew?

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Fantastic post!
    Trying to live life while feeling uncomfortable painful feelings has been a journey, and some days I feel like I haven’t made any progress. Sometimes, a little less frequently now, when someone’s (even my own) interaction activates the dark shroud of hurt, the old pre-sober me inside is looking for escape routes and finding it impossible to objectively assess what I have power over versus what I don’t. But that is also part of the magic and beauty of life, being able to feel. As difficult and uncomfortable as those feelings are, I am getting better at remembering that I made a choice and a vow to feel life, with all of its colors, variations, imperfections and infinite textures. With that choice and vow came the responsibility to be kind to myself.

    Thank you for your truth. I am so glad that you are here.

    Liked by 1 person

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