Posted in Addiction, alcoholism, anxiety, Life, Mental Health, Musings, recovery, spirituality, twelve step

Being in Recovery

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Edit: Something I should definitely add, in the interest of not alienating people is this- there is 12-step recovery, and there are other types of recovery, as well. But ALL recovery means DOING THE WORK to be a better person than you were when you were using. If you are not actively engaging in the process of figuring out why and how you wound up where you are, then that is not recovery. If you are still using any substance to change the way you feel (and I’m not talking about anti-depressants here, to be clear), that is definitely not recovery. For ME, that means the traditional NA, AA, twelve step path. For you, it could be faith based or whatever floats your boat. But recovery is a specific thing, and you are either doing it or not. It’s not a halfway thing. THAT is the point I was trying to make.

Something that REALLY bothers me a lot is when people say they are “in recovery” when what they mean is that they stopped using a particular drug. Listen: You are not In Recovery if you stopped using meth or heroin but you still smoke weed or drink. You are not even in recovery if you practice abstinence completely, but you have never been to a meeting. Being in recovery (for me, for instance) means attending 12-step meetings regularly, and working those steps, with a sponsor. You can say you are clean, you are sober, or anything else like that if it pleases you. But don’t say you are in recovery, because you just aren’t.

Listen, I am not trying to downplay what anyone is doing to better their lives. If you can stop using hard drugs and find that you are someone who can drink responsibly, my God, that is GREAT for you, more power to you! But please, don’t confuse that with real recovery. It isn’t. Let me explain to you why that is-

Recovery is a lifestyle. It means committing yourself to something that is serious, time consuming, and really hard at times. My drug of choice was amphetamines. Do you know how often I toy with the idea that, because of that fact, maybe it would be okay if I drank occasionally? It crosses my mind a lot. Despite the fact that I have factual evidence that every single time I have been a responsible drinker it has eventually led me back to drugs at some point, I still continue to battle with these thoughts here and there. Maybe this is not the case for you, and hey, high freaking five on that. But it has been my experience that this is what we call a “yet” situation. I am not prepared to gamble with what I have earned.

Here’s the other thing: through my prolific years of drug use, I learned something really important. Addiction is not just about the drugs, and the shameful things that happen to us and because of us while we are using. It’s really about the people we are, the behavior we exhibit, and the deep seated self-loathing that basically all people with addiction issues have in common. People who have problems with addiction have problems with loving themselves. When you take away the drugs, the problems are still there. The drugs or whatever it is you are using to control the way you feel, and the way you show up in the world, are a symptom, they are not the real problem.

Recovery is how we get to the root of that problem. It’s like manual labor of a the spirit- there’s a lot of heavy lifting and digging, a lot of time spent in the dark with all of the things you fear the most. When you are in recovery, you make a decision to face all of the things you are terrified of looking at, and to do that, you have to dredge shit up, shine light on it, pick it apart, and learn how to dispose of it properly. And you do every bit of it with NOTHING to take the edge off, NOTHING to dull the pain, even when it sounds so good, you could almost cry.

recovery

Let me tell you, it’s a struggle sometimes. Do you know how hard it is to date when you are in recovery? I don’t have the option of loosening up with a drink, and thanks to my general anxiety over who I am, this would be welcome on a date, let me tell you. Do you know how much of a weirdo I feel like when I try to lightly gloss over the fact that I don’t drink to a guy who just cannot compute the concept? “But why?” he inevitably asks, or “You don’t drink EVER?” And it feels like I have grown another head, but you definitely don’t want to lead with a horror story of WHY you really don’t drink. And yes, I could just say I’m allergic to alcohol (lies) but, you know, I’d rather just not.

My point is, recovery is a very specific thing. It MEANS something to the people who take it seriously. The ones who are fighting to grasp it, to hold onto it, to incorporate the principles into their everyday lives. We aren’t just trying to stay clean, we are trying to use a set of instructions to become the best people we are capable of being. And it’s HARD, but it is good work, and it has rewards far beyond what I ever expected to receive. So please, respect the word recovery. And now, I shall get down off my soap box. Carry on.

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Author:

I'm a single mom in recovery, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

15 thoughts on “Being in Recovery

  1. Amen, amen!! Not using whatever substance brings me to threshold where I can choose to begin recovery to learn to live life on life’s terms. I cannot imagine long-term abstinence from anything if I do not deal with root causes for the addiction in the first place. For me to think otherwise is simply counterintuitive and relegates addiction to something like a bad habit.

    Well said!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Just for the record, I would volunteer that “recovery” has a specific meaning for you – but stating that everybody else should attach the same meaning doesn’t sit well with me. It’s just a word, at the end of the day. I guess this is a huge chip on my shoulder – not letting others be put into neat boxes by anybody. We’re all different – if we were not, the world would be very boring.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If people don’t attach the same meanings to words, how would we ever use words to communicate with each other in a way that can be properly understood?

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I guess I should have said that recovery is the work you do, but it DOES include abstinence. There are lots of other words you can use if that isn’t what you are doing. 😊 it just irritates the hell out of me when someone says they are in recovery but they still get black out drunk. Not only is that not recovery, it sends a dangerous message to people who are trying to figure out what recovery looks like.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I completely agree with that, and your sentiment.
        I don’t use the 12 steps or a sponsor, but I am absolutely in recovery.
        Every day is a gift that I have to love fully, responsibly, honestly and unaltered.
        Anne

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree that recovery means doing what it takes to not be addicted, not to abuse substances–or yourself or others!, not to basically be ‘a dry drunk’ or the equivalent. I agree that it is much different than just sort of ditching some drugs and some behaviours and still using or misusing others.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I really enjoy reading your blogs. When I was in a 12-step group for codependency, someone at work proudly told me that they started AA and had worked all 12 steps that week. I smiled and nodded my head. It takes a long time to really work through those steps–at least for me. I love to see others wrestling through the recovery process because I know how rewarding it is. Keep up the good work of your recovery and your blogging. Thank you for sharing your life. I’m cheering for you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! Hahaha, there was a newcomer at a meeting recently who talked about how she was doing the steps on her own…bless her heart. My sponsor was there and I could literally see her having an internal meltdown. It was pretty funny. I am still on my first round of steps and I’m okay with it…slow and steady and all that. 😍

      Liked by 1 person

  5. For me it’s about emotional sobriety, putting the bottle(s) down was just the beginning,and I am in the fellowship. I try to work the steps to the best of my ability . I really love AA, I have a good gang of like minded creative fun loving friends there and we do other stuff apart from talk recovery( otherwise I’d lose my mind) I love this post so much. And yes there are other paths for people that absolutely work for them. This is mine ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. To me recovery means…

    1) Being abstinent from any mind altering substance (minimum requirement I think!)
    2) Learning to be in this world without needing to numb it out which generally requires some form of deeper delving into a spiritual practice or a lot of self development whatever form this takes.

    You go deeper when you cant run away anymore and the ego dies slowly..recovery means peeling all of the layers off and finding what is underneath it all. It can send you into deep depression and existential angst but on the other side of fear is a knowing that you will be ok no matter what:) xx Recovery means learning to love yourself and finding out who you really are.

    Liked by 1 person

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