Posted in Addiction, adventure, anxiety, Blogging, Life, Musings, People, random, recovery

Lost: Sense of Adventure

scaredy cat

I really don’t have time to be writing this, this morning, but I have something I want to say so I am doing it anyway. I used to be the most fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person you would ever meet. I cared nothing whatsoever for social conventions, I never stopped to really wonder what other people thought of me, and I did whatever I wanted, pretty much as I wanted to do it. I never let my lack of money or worries about my shitty car stop me from going on long trips out of town. I wasn’t afraid of falling in love, or concerned with taking things slow and seeing if maybe this guy (or that guy, or the next guy) was good for me- just the spark was enough for me, and I was all over it. I went through (crappy) jobs like most people go through underwear, I was broke all the time, and I wrote overly emotional poetry with absolutely no shame whatsoever. I would also corner you and make you listen to me read it out loud, without a qualm.

Now, I realize that most of this behavior was drug fueled, and I was also young, and that, after a time, it crossed a line into dysfunction and sadness. I don’t miss that part. But goddammit, sometimes I wish I had retained a tiny bit of it. I am quite possibly the most tightly wound I have ever been in my life these days, and the irony of it all does not escape me- I am finally at a point where I could take my nice car, which is under warranty, on a road trip during my paid vacation which is coming up, and guess what? I am totally afraid to do it. I thought maybe my daughter and I could take a drive up to Oregon, where I have never been, and stay a night or two in a hotel, and do some exploring. But all I can think about is “I’ve never been there, though. I don’t know where anything is, and what if something goes wrong?” I mean, can you believe what a massive wimp I am being?

I have some other stuff going on- someone called the city on me, and code enforcement has to come out, with my landlady, to make sure I am not doing anything illegal here (which I am not), and I have been downright obsessed with the outcome of this situation for days on end. I am terrified that I am going to be made to move, I have blown it out of all proportion, up to and including looking online for new houses and crying when I look at my dog who I am sure I will have to re-home. Oh, for Christ’s sake! Who even am I? I have survived conditions and situations in my life that would make most people run home to their mothers, and I am having a heart attack over something that isn’t even an issue? Even if I did have to move, which I highly doubt I will, I will simply figure it out. But why do I let myself freak out like this in the meantime? What good does it do? I have never yet failed so completely in this lifetime that I was not able to recover, and that was under the worst of circumstances. I am already so far ahead of where I once was, I don’t know why I would even spend a moment worrying about anything.

Do you know what these two things have in common, the fear of driving out of town with my kid, and the fear of the impending code enforcement visit? I have lost my sense of adventure. This girl, who once loaded everything she owned into her car, and moved to another city, in another state, with her seven year old daughter, where she knew no one- not a single solitary soul- has become kind of a chicken. I’m afraid of my landlord. I’m afraid of getting “in trouble”. I’m afraid of messing up. Weren’t we just talking about this a few posts ago? Maybe this isn’t as simple as just making up my mind to stop being afraid…because I think what is really going on here is that I don’t have a lot of faith in myself. I’m afraid that now, when I finally have it all together, that other shoe is going to drop and all hell will break loose.

The thing is, there is no reason for me to believe this. I have tons of proof that I am doing everything the way I am supposed to, and zero proof that I am a failure, or irresponsible, or cannot be trusted. So, my question for you this morning is, how do I connect the dots? How in the world do I internalize those facts, how do I start believing in myself? Because this is really getting old. I want to find the strength to be confident in myself- if I could do it while I was a drug-addled maniac, why is it so hard to do it now?

Sorry if this was kind of all over the place- I am really on a time crunch, but I’m hoping someone will have some words of advice for me. Because seriously, I have had it.

Advertisements

Author:

I'm a single mom in recovery, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

18 thoughts on “Lost: Sense of Adventure

  1. Fear kills everything!!! Every hope, every dream, every could have, might have, should have. It kills the moment we are living in cuz we aren’t there we are living in the monster of fear. I SO GET YOU!!!

    We need to be neighbors and have coffee everyday😂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love reading your posts. My addiction was codependency, but so many of the behaviors are so similar. You will get there–one day at a time. It’s like a pendulum, right now it has swung far the other way, but it will eventually come to the middle, and you will be okay. We have the bad habit of projecting and doing those “what if” things that we get scared before we need to get scared (I hope that makes sense). I wish everything will work out the way you would like, but I also know that our lives don’t always go that direction, but you will survive it, and you will thrive. Sometimes we get kicked in the rear to make us go through a new door, because we get too content in our place. You will have this no matter what the outcome is.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So glad you took the time to write this morning! I think there are some forms of fear that we are born with to protect us, and with good reason, and we lose the nuanced line between rationale fears and irrational ones if we’re always covering up all-the-fears with drugs/booze. So you are learning a new tool: when to override fear, when to listen to your (very well evolved) fear mechanisms. It’s like learning to have boundaries, or learning how to have fun/laugh again, etc. We stopped maturing when we buried our brains with booze/drugs. Being afraid is TOTALLY HEALTHY and not a loss. Just keep listening to yourself and let time and experimentation tell you where your line is.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have a little sticky note on my desk that says, “On the other side of Fear, lies Freedom.” As I told my friend just yesterday about my own situation – I’ve never had so much to lose before. I hope you pack your bags and get in your pretty little car with your pretty little daughter and fly away to have a wonderful adventure!!! Each step out will prove again what a wonderful idea it was, and you’ll be sorry you waited so long!!

    Liked by 1 person

Everyone has an opinion...let's hear yours!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s