Posted in Addiction, anxiety, faith, inner peace, Learning, Life, Mental Health, recovery, spirituality, twelve step

In The Middle

the middle
Photo courtesy of Google and Simplereminders.com

In April of 2015, I unwittingly started out on a journey. I thought that I was just getting clean- that I would stop using drugs, get right in the head, and live happily ever after. I could foresee nothing but sunshine and better days ahead of me, and I blindly forged ahead, completely unprepared for what I was getting myself into.

Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% sure that I am right where I am supposed to be, and that I have never done more important work than the work I am doing on myself today. But I am right in the middle of it right now, and it is hard. I am tired. I have peeled away so many layers that I spent years and years building up, all to protect this fucked up little heart of mine, and now I feel…over it. I want to retreat. I don’t want to use, never that, but I just want to go back. I want to go back to being oblivious and unaware of myself, back to just living my life and not thinking so hard about who I am, why I am the way I am, who I want to be.

I had no idea what a mess I really am. None. I didn’t know I was insecure, I didn’t know I didn’t love myself, I didn’t realize I was constantly seeking outside approval to feel validated. I didn’t know how much of my self worth was wrapped up in my appearance, I didn’t know that I had no idea how to exist in a healthy relationship, and I didn’t know that I was so terrified of being vulnerable that I had essentially cut myself off from everyone who tried to get or stay close to me. I thought I was a really awesome girl who just had a drug problem.

So this is the hard part. Now I know all of those things, but I haven’t figured out how to fix them just yet. I have to sit here, with all of this painful knowledge, and I haven’t learned yet how to heal, how to repair it. My suspicion is that it is a process, and that it will take time to get to a place where I can feel okay again, and this is the worst news possible for someone who loves instant gratification as much as I do. When something is uncomfortable for me, I will go to great lengths to feel better again- which might be why I poured drugs into my system for such a long time. I didn’t know it was a band-aid over a gaping wound. I didn’t even know I was doing it to hide a problem. I thought the drugs WERE the problem, and that the problem just happened to make me feel really good. For a minute, anyway.

I have heard people talk about the agony of waking up to the truth, and I thought they were being dramatic. I thought the truth they were talking about was something else- the way the world around us is, or something…else. But waking up to who you are, who you REALLY are, is terrifying. I mean, unless you somehow managed to make it through life without hiding parts of yourself away and losing other parts, and realizing you missed some pretty important bits of information. If that is who you are, this blog probably won’t make a lot of sense to you. And I realize that not everyone has to tear themselves down to the dirt and start over. But I had to. And right now I feel pretty raw, pretty exposed.

So, here I sit. Tired of feeling all of these feelings, but pretty sure I have to do it. Coming to terms with the fact that the only way forward is through. Trying hard to have faith that I am on the right path, even though it is scaring the shit out of me presently. I can’t un-see what I have seen in myself. I can’t ever go back, so I have two choices- I can stay right here, or I can press on. And the thing is, right here is not sustainable. Have you ever lost a filling in a tooth? You know how it feels when that nerve is exposed to everything, even air? Yeah, it hurts. It hurts so much that you get over your fear of the dentist pretty quick, and figure out a way to get that cavity fixed. Well, that’s a great analogy for my life right now. I dug out that bad filling, and even though I needed it gone, it was making me sick, right now it is painful. I just want to fix it the right way this time.

I am not without hope. I have the benefit of my recovery program, I have a few people who really love me and understand, I have a sponsor who guides me when I let her, and most importantly, I have myself, willing to do the work to get better. No, most importantly, I have unshakable faith that God, or The Universe, or a spectacular combination of all of these benevolent forces, has brought me here for a reason. That there is no way for me to fail at this, but I must be patient. I must be willing to sit here, in this uncomfortable, painful place until I have learned what I need to know. And then, I can begin to put myself back together again…or maybe that is what I am doing. Maybe that’s what all this really is.

 

Author:

I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

13 thoughts on “In The Middle

  1. So true. Ive founf that on my NOPE journey. Still trying to figure out how to fix things i screwed up and who i really am! Love reading your blog!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. RE: Paragraph 3 – you don’t have to have been a drug addict to feel all those things. These are normal feelings. I feel those things. My friends feel those things. We all struggle, even when drugs is not an issue, life can be very difficult and confusing. The trick is to look at it, work on it, then move the hell on, because if you linger too long, you will drive yourself insane. Be the best you can each day, and go have a great day. That is life. Overthinking will make you crazy! I love you so much, but don’t be so hard on yourself, Little Court-o. xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mama, I don’t think it’s “normal” (whatever that even is) to exist that way. It might be something everyone goes through (I have no idea) but it certainly isn’t something I bargained for or was aware of. I don’t think I’m being hard on myself, I’m being honest about something I am going through. I can’t just slap a bow on it and smile through it…it’s some real shit, and I have to sort through it or I’ll just end up right back in the mess again.

      Like

  3. As you note, recovery is truly a process and not event. I have been in recovery for over 30 years now, and I know fully that it keeps getting better, one-day-at-a-time if, as you note I live through it, and not around or over it. Ultimately, the exciting thing about that is that because I never get there, I can have a continued growth in perpetuity.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right! And most of the time, I don’t mind doing the work…but sometimes, it gets really painful. I thought at the beginning that at 3 years I would have it all done! 😂😂😂 in reality, the hard part is happening now. And I know it will be okay. That the person who emerges is going to be 100% better than the version of me that started all this. What I’m struggling with right now will pass, but in the moment, it can be rough. Especially at 5 in the morning when I’m alone with my thoughts. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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