Posted in Depression, Life, Mental Health, Musings, People, random

Sad News

I sat down here this morning to write how sorry I was that I haven’t been keeping up lately, to tell you that I have been so happy, and my life has been so joyful and full of so many good things, that I didn’t want to break the spell by trying to explain it all. That is what I intended to say to you all this morning.

And then I received an alert on my phone that Anthony Bourdain had died, at the age of 61, from suicide, and…you know, I’m feeling much more somber now. That’s two in one week, you guys- two that we know, personally, among many, many more, I’m sure. First Kate Spade, and now Anthony Bourdain. Two people whom, I imagine at least, have all of the things we think would make our lives “perfect” if only we had them, right? It struck me this morning, as I thought about it, that perhaps all the success contributed in some way to the problem. Like, if you have everything you ever wanted, and you still feel terrible, you still suffer with depression, anxiety, whatever mental illness plagues you- wouldn’t that make it even worse? I don’t know, I’m just speculating. I imagine that it would. I just know that I am especially sad about the loss of Bourdain. He was truly one of my favorites.

It is hard for me to remember what depression feels like when I am no longer in it- I have only had a few bouts of it, but that was enough for me. But I do remember that when I was deeply entrenched in it, I could not remember what it felt like to be happy. And more than that, I could not imagine ever being happy again. Worst of all, I believed that all the memories I had of a time when I was happy were lies. My brain was so sick and sad that I honestly believed that I had never really been happy in my life. So, I don’t know…I don’t know how long I could have kept going that way, what my thoughts might have looked like after too long. And I don’t know what it’s like to be truly suicidal, either. There have been times when I thought I might not try to move aside if a truck jumped the curb, and there have been times in my addiction when I really felt my family would be better off without me, but…I never considered killing myself, not really. So I don’t know, and I’m glad I don’t. I guess my mind is just trying to wrap itself around this latest loss, trying to understand, and…you know, I don’t need to, I guess. I can just be sad.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel qualified to even guess about this, let alone write about it. But it would be weirder, maybe, if I didn’t. After all, I was a huge fan, and I am terribly sad about this news. I wonder what was going on inside his head, what must that have looked like to make such a final, permanent decision. How awful things must feel if death looks like the best answer. Again, I’m glad I don’t know. I wish it was different for him, and for Kate, and for Chester, and for Chris, and for the millions of other people whom I do not know but have come to the same end. I hope they all find the peace that they sought.

I am not going to write about my happiness this morning, but I am not going to feel guilty about it, either. This poor world…it needs all of the light it can muster.

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Author:

I'm a single mom in recovery, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

9 thoughts on “Sad News

  1. Thank you for sharing this with everyone. I’ve felt depressed and suicidal many times and even acted on it, yet now that I’m better (diagnosed, taking medication, in treatment), I can hardly believe that I was ever so sad, so distraught. Pictures of me from those times look unrecognizable to me. My heart hurts when loved ones recall everything I went through. Now, I’m facing what it feels like to be the loved one of someone with these feelings and experiences who isn’t open to receiving help. I feel so frustrated. Why don’t they just accept help? I wish it were as easy as throwing a book or bottle of medicine at their head, but it’s not. (And if someone would have done that to me back then, I would have been furious!) But at the same time, I realize I can either separate myself until the person does a, b, and c, or I can accept them, including whatever they are going through and thinking, and set boundaries to keep myself safe. I wish it were easier.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My 13 year old daughter took pills on Monday night.
    Thank god she is ok.
    Depression is a sneaky thing. She is surrounded by care, love and support, but a bad day dug the depression in even deeper and the pain was too heavy.

    It is a scary thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad she’s okay! Holy shit! My daughter struggles with depression as well…Black, deep depression. Thankfully we got her help and the right medication and she’s 90% better. For a long while, I didn’t know what would happen. It was terrifying.

      Like

      1. She has been on medication for a month. This is the riskiest time. And some5hing happened with a teacher that just pushed thins past coping.

        We have switched to a different therapist and will try something new. She is also gender fluid, so there is a lot there.

        She has so much support. It’s so hard to see how alone she feels. But at least I have another chance to help her find happiness.

        Liked by 1 person

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