Posted in adventure, Goals, Learning, Life, living, Musings, People, random, recovery

Restless Feelings

It feels like I return, over and over again, to these restless feelings- like I carry them around with me always, only sometimes, I can hide them for a while by throwing myself into something new and interesting. Most recently, those things have been working on my novel and learning the tarot. Over the past several years, I have run from the restlessness by focusing on recovery, educating myself about nutrition and exercise, trying to quit smoking…repeatedly, and binge watching seven million shows on Netflix. Social media and outrage over politics have also been a band-aid I have used.

Some of these things have been more beneficial than others, obviously. But in the long run, none of them have been able to satisfy what is ultimately a much deeper issue- I am not living the life that my heart wants to live. I have this great career, but it is not the right career for me, and I KNOW this, but I am terrified of what comes after that knowing. I don’t want to sacrifice all of this comfort and security for some unknown thing…and that’s the even bigger problem. I know I’m not living the life I want to live, but I have no idea what it is that I DO want.

There are little flashes of insight, of course. Ultimately, I would love to just be able to write full time, but I don’t think that is the next step. If I am just going on what my intuition has to say, I can tell you that that might be down the road a ways, but it is not next. I feel pretty strongly that I am supposed to go back to school, and at the age of 43, this seems very daunting. I have a lot of friends around my age who are in school now, and the amount of stress they are constantly venting on Facebook is enough to give me serious pause- like, is that what I really want?

If it is what I want, I have the support of my boss and my employer to do so. They have already told me they are willing to accommodate my schedule (to a point) so that I could go back to school, without losing my benefits. The only problem with this is that I would still be working nearly full time, which means I would have to take less classes, meaning I would probably be in school for MUCH longer. And again, at my age, how long do I want to drag out the schooling thing? And how much time would that mean I would miss with my daughter?

There are so many questions, so many unknowns. Perhaps I am just trying to know too much all at once. I have always liked to know everything that was coming down the pike before I committed to something. I’m not sure I can do that in this situation. I think I might have to begin first, and learn as I go.

I don’t know. I don’t know nearly enough. And yet…I really feel strongly that I need to get started on whatever is next. I feel like it is time. I’ll let you know what I come up with, as soon as I come up with something.


I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

One thought on “Restless Feelings

  1. If it is any consolation, and I doubt if it is, I, too, decided to return to school at your same age. I was going to be an attorney. I studied, then passed (with flying colors) the LSAT. I got all the letters of recommendations from professional people I knew. I got approved for the loan. Lastly, I was ready to set up my night classes at The Monterey College of Law while I was working full time as Regional Sales Mgr. of No. Calif. for United Ag. Even though you kids were both out of the house, the load seemed daunting. So – I decided to take two regular classes at MPC for a semester to see how I did with it. I was in school 4 nights a week, after work. I had homework all weekend, and studied with other students often during the week, between work and class. And I LOVED it – but – the thought of doing that full time for 4 years was just too much. I did not want to give up that much of my life for to be a professional “Arguer”!! I know I’d have been really good at it, but I’d be nearing 50 when done with school, and I wouldn’t have any social life or time with my kids and grandkids. I already had a profession, and I was GOOD at it. I decided to stick with what I knew, and enjoy my years. Now I am at the other end of the spectrum – at age 62 (63 in just a few weeks!) I am glad I lightened up and rolled with it. I think it depends on what it is you are going to study and how passionate you are about it. Your interest has always been writing, ever since you were old enough to spell more than 3 words. You’re very good at what you do. LIfe is short. Whatever you chose to do, I know you will give it 100%. You always do. I love that about you. Just chose wisely. Maybe discuss it with some people whose opinion you trust and respect – all ages and types. Whatever you decide, you’ve got this!!! Don’t be so damned hard on yourself. Lightly, child – Lightly…. xxooxx


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