Posted in Addiction, adventure, happiness, inner peace, Life, mindfulness, Musings, People

Changes II

I meant to write this yesterday, but I accidentally spent the entire day in bed, sleeping on and off and watching Ghost Adventures- every now and again, you need a good “bed day”, don’t you think? Also, probably going through some weird mental stuff now that I am not giving my body that little hand-to-mouth-inhaling-chemicals thing it loves so much. I was definitely grouchy yesterday.

Oh, and also…it might be because I am feeling a little weird about a decision I made. I told my sponsor a few days ago that I am taking a step back from meetings. I gave up my service commitment. I ran through it with my therapist, and I spent a lot of time thinking hard about it. I don’t know what it really means yet. I just know that I was listening to the same people say the exact same things over and over and over, I was hearing myself give a lot of lip service with no feeling in my heart, and…my time is so precious. I know this is contrary to everything I’ve always said, and it doesn’t make any of that untrue- NA saved my life. Many times. NA fed me so much and helped me so much and I know myself better now than I ever have. But for now, I’m stepping away.

I don’t want to still be talking about what it was like for me in another 20 years. I don’t want to keep rehashing it. I don’t want to call myself an addict every time I speak. I know who I am, and who I will always be- I don’t need to keep announcing it. Words hold so much weight. That is not my identity. I am questioning so many of the things I thought I knew, and wondering if I even believe them anymore. And you know, this is really upsetting and scary to a lot of people! But I am not going to be afraid of my own thoughts. I am not going to be afraid to question my beliefs. Even if it is upsetting to other people. I might change my mind in a week or two, I might not. I don’t know right now. And that’s okay.

I refuse to speak a bad word about any twelve step program- they are an invaluable resource to anyone who wants to learn how to be clean or sober, depending on which “A” you follow. I think it is a beautiful, life-changing thing. But maybe it’s not a forever thing for everyone. And that is also okay.

Like I said, I’m taking a break. Stepping back. Trying to figure out where I fit in. I don’t know what that means…But I can tell you this: I have not rushed out to chug a beer or snort a line or whatever. That’s not what this is about. I’m simply…taking a breather. And it feels really stinking weird.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to get a little uncomfortable, though. Now I just need to figure out what I’m doing next.

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Author:

I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

14 thoughts on “Changes II

  1. Aww, I feel this very deeply, it’s been awhile since my last not leaving the bed session, but I go through phases of weeding things from my life, uprooting, just for the sake of change.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I’m pretty nervous about it, honestly. But I think that’s to be expected after so long thinking that way was the only way. But I’m feeling stifled and unhappy & it’s time to spread my wings. ❤️

      Like

  2. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you, and your own life and growth. The biggest thing is to be able to do it without guilt, or feeling like you have to justify yourself.
    Best wishes.
    Ian

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re a grownup so you’re allowed to do what you need to. It reminds me of a Caroline Myss book where she mentions ‘the language of woundology’ and how some people always define themselves by their trauma or issue, even deacdes later, and she felt it was really self-limiting. I believe she also wrote about how sometimes AA and other-A folks can get very upset if someone moves on, almost like they’re breaking up their dynfunctional family as some sort of personal insult to them–

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You will find what is best for you. xx I rarely go to meetings anymore, but I know I’m an alcoholic. This year will mark 21 years sober, and it’s by the grace of God. My relationship with Him is most important. Take a break. Spread your wings. You know where to find a meeting if need be. My daughter used to always tell me when I needed one. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. First of all… Ghost Adventures… for some reason it’s the only show I find entertaining and will still make me fall asleep 😴 but anyway… hang in there! Just don’t let yourself get lonely… that’s when things get scary. I’ve got every faith in ya!

    Liked by 1 person

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