I meant to write this yesterday, but I accidentally spent the entire day in bed, sleeping on and off and watching Ghost Adventures- every now and again, you need a good “bed day”, don’t you think? Also, probably going through some weird mental stuff now that I am not giving my body that little hand-to-mouth-inhaling-chemicals thing it loves so much. I was definitely grouchy yesterday.
Oh, and also…it might be because I am feeling a little weird about a decision I made. I told my sponsor a few days ago that I am taking a step back from meetings. I gave up my service commitment. I ran through it with my therapist, and I spent a lot of time thinking hard about it. I don’t know what it really means yet. I just know that I was listening to the same people say the exact same things over and over and over, I was hearing myself give a lot of lip service with no feeling in my heart, and…my time is so precious. I know this is contrary to everything I’ve always said, and it doesn’t make any of that untrue- NA saved my life. Many times. NA fed me so much and helped me so much and I know myself better now than I ever have. But for now, I’m stepping away.
I don’t want to still be talking about what it was like for me in another 20 years. I don’t want to keep rehashing it. I don’t want to call myself an addict every time I speak. I know who I am, and who I will always be- I don’t need to keep announcing it. Words hold so much weight. That is not my identity. I am questioning so many of the things I thought I knew, and wondering if I even believe them anymore. And you know, this is really upsetting and scary to a lot of people! But I am not going to be afraid of my own thoughts. I am not going to be afraid to question my beliefs. Even if it is upsetting to other people. I might change my mind in a week or two, I might not. I don’t know right now. And that’s okay.
I refuse to speak a bad word about any twelve step program- they are an invaluable resource to anyone who wants to learn how to be clean or sober, depending on which “A” you follow. I think it is a beautiful, life-changing thing. But maybe it’s not a forever thing for everyone. And that is also okay.
Like I said, I’m taking a break. Stepping back. Trying to figure out where I fit in. I don’t know what that means…But I can tell you this: I have not rushed out to chug a beer or snort a line or whatever. That’s not what this is about. I’m simply…taking a breather. And it feels really stinking weird.
Sometimes it’s a good idea to get a little uncomfortable, though. Now I just need to figure out what I’m doing next.