Another storm came the evening before last, only this time, it wasn’t happening outside of my house, in the sky.
This time, the storm popped up out of nowhere, inside of me, in my head.
I had another panic attack. Another really, really bad panic attack. Over 24 hours later and I am still not myself. My stomach is in knots and I feel afraid and shaky, embarrassed and ashamed of my uncontrollable mind. I had to call off work yesterday because I hadn’t slept at all the night before, and to be honest, I still have barely eaten since this all started.
I am doing everything right. I have been exercising every single day, eating healthy, praying, meditating, working hard and treating myself well. To know that I can go from the very top of my game to an utter shaking mess in a matter of one single, illogical, triggering thought…well…that is terrifying. I don’t know any other way to look at it.
I remembered everything my therapist told me the last time this happened. I told myself all the things I knew, all the logic and facts and practical wisdom I had- I threw all of it at this monster, but it pinged off his skin like nothing and continued to advance. When I am in that state, there is no safe place I can go, no way to escape, because the feeling is inside of me. You cannot outrun yourself.
I am so upset with myself for things that happened during this episode that I almost wasn’t going to write about it. I don’t want to tell the truth. I am ashamed of it. But I will tell you this- my panic started over a very minor injury that happened, not to me, but to my daughter. It should have been something we put a band-aid on and forgot about. Instead, we made two trips to the ER and didn’t make it home until 5 in the morning. The doctors were kind to me- they could see that I was not okay. But the idea that my panic can spill out onto someone else that way, that frightens me. I didn’t reach out to anyone, didn’t pick up the phone and call a friend, give them the chance to talk me down. I put my poor kid through so much because of MY fear, and that fear was so BIG, I couldn’t help it. I literally couldn’t help it.
And now the question is- how long until it happens again? Because once is an anomaly, once is…just a weird glitch that happened, and whatever. But this is twice now since December and I can’t imagine going through this again. Or regularly. I can deal with, I guess, my average daily anxiety. But this panic- no. I can’t. I won’t. I will find a way to fix it. If I have to just steam-roll it with pure stubbornness, I will.
But today, I am just so tired. I don’t want to feel like this ever again.
I really think you’ll be able to get this under control. This treatment manual gives a good overview of what CBT for panic involves: https://crufad.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/crufad_Panicmanual.compressed.pdf
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I was literally just sitting here thinking about CBT. I’m going to talk to my therapist about it Tomorrow. Thank you!
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Don’t ever be ashamed. We all have things like this. I admire your courage in writing about it.❤️
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Thank you. That means a lot to me. 😊 I’m feeling pretty lousy about myself right now. I know it will change, but it’s hard to sit with.
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You’ll get through. You’re strong
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I can identify with your feelings. Sometimes the night before presenting something to 20 people or more in a classroom, I can’t sleep from anxiety. I shouldn’t feel this way after teaching for so long but I often some anxiety the night before presentations.
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My husband keeps me grounded along with a very strange sense of humor. I wish you well. I have to learn to meditate or something.
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You have a lot of people on your side, Courtney, don’t forget that. The strong you can prevail.
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The more you open up the more control you’ll have. This is one way of dealing with it. Panic attacks can have such a control over our lives. I wish you well.
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Also try EFT…I have the same issue but with rage….it all feels so unmanageable. EFT can be seen as weird but I’m so desperate I will try anything.
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