Posted in anxiety, health, Life, meditation, Mental Health, mental illness, mindfulness, Musings, People, women

Not Myself


It has now been exactly one week since my massive panic attack, and I am still not myself.

I am okay, I guess…but I wake up every morning to a racing heart, to a stomach that is clenched as if waiting for bad news, or a swift punch.

This is NOT ME. This is not the way I wake up, the way I am. I hate it and I don’t know what to do to make it stop. I’m doing all the things I normally do that have helped me before- rest and meditation, exercise and prayer. Nothing seems to keep the moments of pure anxiety away.

It is very hard to pretend to be okay when you are anything but okay. But when you are a mom, it is important to at least try. The thing is, when I am very anxious, I am concentrating so hard on just trying not to let things spin out of control that I have little room for anything else. My patience is worn so thin. This is not the way I want to be living my life.

And I can’t help but think…what is this about? First, a panic attack at the end of December, then another one at the beginning of February. Before that, years and years and years since the last one. What is trying to come up? What is it that is asking to be healed? What am I missing?

Crazy to think that my own mind might be hiding something from me, or that my own consciousness is choosing not to understand something, but I can’t help but wonder- is this really just a fluke, or is this an opportunity for resolution? Resolution of some pain or some wound that I am just not seeing? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just bat shit crazy, but I’d like to believe that there is a reason. I’d like very much to know what that reason is.

Today, I am just going to try to be patient and loving with myself, and with others. I am going to remember that I can survive my feelings, even when it doesn’t seem like I can. I have a perfect record so far of withstanding every single one of them.  I am going to take my dog for a walk, and if the walk doesn’t feel like enough, then I will run. I will run until all this nervous energy dissipates, and if it comes back, I will find another way to discharge it. I will tend to myself. I will continue to work through this. I bet there will even be moments today when I am happy, as there have been every other day.

But I am still not at all myself. And I really want to be again.


I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

7 thoughts on “Not Myself

  1. I wish there was a simple answer. I’ve been exactly where you are. People say not to give the anxiety attention…but it’s there, all the time.

    Have you tried gaba? You can buy it at the grocery store. It helps me a lot when I am going into anxiety provoking times (travelling, big meetings, etc). It has been the best otc addition to my toolbox.

    Hug. Maybe it’s the phase of the moon. Completely out of your control.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know…I just really examined that knot in my solar plexus this morning…just sat with it, and realized it’s only a feeling. It can’t hurt me. But it sure is unpleasant. It’s, of course, my mind that gives me trouble. 😊 isn’t that always the thing?


      1. It’s so complicated. Because it’s irrational and yet absolutely real.
        I desperately want explanations and solutions to all of life’s problems. It’s frustrating that that’s impossible.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear you and I’m sorry your out of sorts. I know the feeling. I’m not in one of those places right know but God knows I have been. I find keeping on top of my mental health exhausting. But if I don’t do it, the results are catastrophic. I’ve been working lately on “pattern interrupts” in my thinking and behavior. Trying to stop small bad decisions or unhealthy thoughts from getting much worse. I got the term from Omar Pinto of the Shair Podcast in an interview. He’s a great Podcast if you do sober podcast listening at all.

    Liked by 1 person

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