Posted in anxiety, Depression, family, health, kids, Life, Mental Health, mental illness, motherhood, parenting, People, random, women

Anxiety is Boring

Well, it makes me boring, anyway. Trying to figure out something to write about has been damn near impossible…hence, my longer-than-normal absence from my trusty old blog.

I don’t know what to think, you guys. None of my tricks are working. Now, don’t get me wrong- I have moments every single day where I feel just fine. But when you think about that, it doesn’t seem like a very good deal, does it? I have MOMENTS when I feel okay? As opposed to “normally, I feel fine, but sometimes I do get anxious”. Yeah, basically, I am feeling anxious more than I’m feeling okay, and that is not normal for me. I don’t feel normal. I feel pretty awful, honestly.

It got me thinking about a lot of you bloggers that I follow who struggle with mental illness daily and keep on writing. I have such a huge amount of respect for that, now. Because when you are feeling the opposite of okay, when the thing you are struggling with is the very thing you are thinking with…it is HARD. Much the way chronic pain just wears you down, chronic mental anguish is exhausting. And it’s so weird- even when I am feeling so-so, I’m tensed and ready for the next wave of bullshit to knock my feet out from under me.

I was doing better- as a matter of fact, I had just bravely proclaimed to myself that I was DONE with this anxiety. I yelled at it, out loud, in the shower one morning- had a firm conversation with my anxiety that I was tougher and braver and smarter than it was, and that I would not be falling for its lies any longer. I went on and had a brilliant day, and I thought “Of COURSE I can do this! What was I thinking? I just needed to make up my mind!”

And then Cam came home from school that very afternoon, and she went directly to bed and fell asleep, and…kids get sick, right? But my anxiety saw an opening, and it went in full force. To be honest with you, my hands are shaking right now, and that was Thursday that it happened. She had a slight temperature, and she’s been under the weather since then- not eating much, etc. Last night her ear hurt. Her fever is gone. She is getting better, not worse, but my anxious, fucked-up brain cannot be reasoned with. My logical mind knows that this is cold and flu season. That kids are exposed to every kind of virus and bacteria and nastiness you can think of on a daily basis at school. But my anxious mind flies straight to the worst of the worst. It’s cancer. It’s meningitis. It’s…you fill in the blanks with whatever your worst fear is. It’s all so far-fetched, yet I feel it in my sick little soul.

Sigh…what can I do, though? The only thing I can think of to do is to keep on working through it. Keep on going to therapy and figuring out ways to not let my fear rule my life, or, even worse, freak out my children. It’s hard. I check on her too much. I probably took her temperature about seven times on Friday. And it’s so funny to me- in many ways, I am one of the strongest people. I have lived through so much and come out the other side relatively unscathed. I don’t know why this is happening to me right now, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

But I can promise you this- I will keep trying to figure it out. I will keep working to resolve this knot in my gut, and this mess in my head. I don’t know what other option I have. But any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. 🙂

Author:

I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

7 thoughts on “Anxiety is Boring

  1. I’ve never been in your position, so sadly no advice to offer. I feel for you, though, and hope you get back on an even keel.

    The closest I’ve felt to what you describe is when, occasionally, I’ve hit a series of major setbacks in quick succession – as in, not everyday setbacks, but the death of a friend, then one of our cats getting mauled by a dog, then my wife getting her purse stolen – all within a couple of weeks. I lost faith in the universe and spent my days tensed up waiting for the next blow to fall. No amount of rationalization helped. All I could do was live day to day, counting the days when nothing else bad happened, then nothing else bad continued to happen … until life had returned to normal long enough to re-establish my trust that it was just a string of unrelated incidents and the universe wasn’t actually out to get me. Sounds silly to talk about it now, but it felt very real at the time and it made me paranoid for a while.

    So, advice? Yeah … no, I’m sorry I have nothing to offer other than my warmest wishes for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anxiety is a tricky one. I have been finding myself with less anxiety these days. Paranoia has disappeared. Depression on and off but a weaker strain.
    How to deal with anxiety? There is no one way. What works for one person won’t work for another. I do believe reading as much as you can about it helps a lot. I even bought university textbooks on Psychology and Abnormal Psychology. Have yet to plough though them but they give me comfort. I can consult with them if I need to.
    How has my anxiety lessened lately? Well I gave up alcohol. Coming up within days of my 3 month mark. Plus I have dealt with toxic family. These two things are huge in my book. Facing alcohol as it is, a poison. And facing my family and seeing them for what they are, toxic and having nothing to do with them. Both of those things were the best decisions ever. Extremely difficult to face and make decisions on but once made, such a relief and wish I had been brave enough to do it sooner.
    Facing yourself, understanding yourself is key. Whatever that is for you will be your own formula to deal with it.
    The point to keep trying. Keep trying to deal with it. Some days are hopeless and you can right it off as such. But you get up the next day and you begin again. Some days you rest.
    Keep trying but at the same time be kind to yourself.
    Understanding yourself, well part of that is noticing the good bits and rejoicing in them. Caring for yourself as you would your sick daughter. Extending that kindness and love to yourself.
    Rest is just as important as action. Be easy on yourself.
    Hope this helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi! Anxiety is hard hard hard. It hurts. It frustrates. It doesn’t need to be here and yet, here it is occupying my body. I don’t know what you’ve tried in terms of diet/supplements, but the three things that have helped me are quitting wheat, taking Free and Easy Wanderer (a Chinese herb that’s marketed as that in the US — it also says Xiao Yao Wan on the label, as well as a number of individual ingredients that I can get out my magnifying glass and read if you want me to), and ashwaghanda. I’ve never found “efforts” to work (other than letting the vibration just wiggle itself out of me, or stay, as it wants), because anxiety feels chemical and vibrational to me. Not related to stuff outside of me — it feels like it’s related to stuff outside of me because my mind instantly attaches the painful vibration to an external story line, but as soon as I live that kind of story line some other time, and feel fine and resilient, it’s obvious that it’s inside of me. Love your vibrations…… sending you warmth and soft light. Adrian

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sometimes you have to treat an illness the same way you treat an annoying person. You ignore it. Yes, a person cannot ignore anxiety no more than they can ignore any other kind of illness but there is one thing they can: They stop writing about it.

    Do not give it attention. That’s what it wants. Bring up topics that make you happy, that drive your curiosity and that spark your interest. Talk about goals you have achieved or are planning too. Show us something that we knew nothing about. Something bright and amazing.

    Anxiety? Yes, it’s there. Chances are it will always be there but it doesn’t deserve attention. Attention is power. Focus the power on the good stuff. This is your life. You need to decide who is in charge.

    Liked by 1 person

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