Posted in adventure, faith, happiness, inner peace, Life, magic, meditation, Musings, People, random, spirituality

The Walk

I just glanced at my phone and realized that it is already the last day of the month. It struck me that I am ending this month as a completely different person than the one I was when it started. Well, pretty different, anyway.

I never imagined that having a past life regression would begin a chain of events that would change everything for me. I honestly just thought it would be a really cool experience. Now here I am, getting lost in books about hypnosis and where our souls go between lives, learning about how to do hypnosis myself, thinking very seriously about going back to school in the fall for massage therapy…it seems like a legit way to start out a journey into healing others, don’t you agree? I would not stop there, of course, but something about it has always appealed to me. My browser history is filled with questions for google like “What does a spiritual awakening feel like?” “What is the ego?” or “What happens when you become aware of your ego?”. To be fair, there are also things like “45 easy, healthy, sheet pan dinners” and “Weather in Salem in June”, so it’s not ALL related to spiritual stuff. It’s all about balance.

But it’s the content of my life that is most different. The thoughts I think, the new awareness I have of those thoughts. Thankfully, the initial rush of it all has slowed down to a bearable rate, for the most part- for a while there, I felt like I was barely hanging on as my thoughts exploded in my brain. Did I tell you that when I went to see my therapist, she started asking me suspicious questions like “How is your sleep?” and “Are you eating?” and finally, “Would you say you are having racing thoughts?”. I started laughing and said “Cori! I’m not manic, for Pete’s sake!” She admitted later, on our walk back out of the office, that she knew I would know what she was getting at since I work in the medical field, but she had to ask. I admitted that I would have to categorize my thoughts as racing, but I didn’t feel they were racing in a manic way. And I was still eating and sleeping just fine, thank you.

Either way, the thinking has slowed down. My morning prayer and meditation has become the most beautiful communion with…whatever is out there. I am a big sucker for ritual, and I light my candles each morning, light my incense, and sit down on my big red cushion to settle in. For several days in a row now, I have slipped into deep meditation in the middle of my prayers, and this is very new to me. I have always done guided meditations, and I still do, but I no longer believe it is necessary for me- just nice. Especially if there is a particular thing I want help with, guided meditations are wonderful. But finding I can access that meditative state without guidance, and without even trying- wow! It’s incredible, and easy and natural. I also have this experience of energy flowing through me during meditation that is so intense, it’s almost uncomfortable. I have to try very hard not to shy away from it, but to open to it instead. It’s not something I can explain, but it is intense. I just remind myself that none of this is bad, or scary, or dangerous, and try to relax into it. It is just unfamiliar to me- these are they types of things I would normally scoff at when reading books about other people’s spiritual experiences, and now it’s kind of happening to me, in real life.

But it follows me off of the cushion and into the rest of my day as well. Yesterday, I took a break from work and decided to take Lucy on a quick walk, as we often do. I grabbed her leash and my sunglasses and headed out the door, and from the minute I left the house, it seemed like all my senses were wide open and time almost slowed down- it was the craziest thing. The same walk I’ve taken hundreds of times was completely different. I was aware of the feeling of warmth on my legs from the sun. I could smell every flower and green thing that grew along the way. The colors of every plant, every flower, every leaf, seemed a hundred times more vivid than normal. I could see the bay off in the distance, the white buildings along the curving edge of the ocean, the white sail of a sailboat bobbing along. In the other direction, I could see the rolling hills and the lingering clouds that nestled into the dips of the higher mountains. This vista I had seen several times a day for four years appeared as if brand new to me! I stopped to watch three small birds chase each other from a nearby house to just over my head and then back again. They swooped joyfully and glided and dipped, and I just stood there, smiling like an idiot, watching them. One of them got very, very close to me many times, as if it knew how much I enjoyed watching them and was just showing off. As I rounded the corner to head back down the hill towards my house, I could smell the ocean in the cool air as it blew across my face, and still feel the warmth of the sun on the backs of my legs, I could see all the beauty I described above stretching out all around me, and I just drank it all in. I enjoyed every step I took on the way home, not rushing, just taking it in. I even stopped to smell a big pink rose that hung over the fence of someones yard. Only 15 minutes, but 15 minutes of pure bliss. How often do we get that? I don’t know about you, but for me, not often.

I arrived home with the crazy idea that if I keep heading down this path I find myself on, those moments will grow. If I keep looking for these moments, I will continue to find them. And this idea is pure relief to me. The idea that I can stop participating in the chaos and bullshit around me and connect with something better, something real and beautiful and worthwhile…I mean, it makes me want to cry.

There is so much more I want to share, but here we are, a thousand words in. I’ll save what’s next for another day. Have a beautiful day, and remember, wherever you are, whatever you find yourself caught up in- if it doesn’t feel good to you, there’s another way. It’s probably right in front of you, and you can’t see it. Keep looking.

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Posted in Blogging, entertainment, escape, happiness, inner peace, Life, Musings, People, pop culture, random, social media, spirituality, Uncategorized

Opting Out

Riding on the tails of yesterday’s post, I want to share with you that one of the most troublesome offenders of polluting my mental space and making me feel…Jesus, all sorts of unpleasant things…has been Facebook. This is not big news. I have posted about it time and time again, I’m pretty sure. (Like I said, I’ve had this blog forever, I honestly have no idea anymore what I’ve posted and what I’ve simply thought about. But I know I’ve posted at least once about this.)

It isn’t really Facebook’s fault. The responsibility for my troubled relationship with that social media platform is solely mine. I mean, I think so, anyway. The thing is, I spent way too much time there. WAY, WAY too much. Every spare second I had, it seemed like, I was reflexively tapping that little blue square on my phone, scrolling, scrolling, refreshing, scrolling. Leading up to the last election, I really spiraled out of control. I jumped on the political posting bandwagon, and flooded my feed (and everyone else’s) with meme after meme of Republican bashing, Trump bashing, right leaning bullshit news clips. I fought like hell to get my point across, to verbally destroy anyone who didn’t agree with me. I was rabid in my outrage. More than one friend unfollowed me. A few blocked me.

Guess what? Trump won anyway. After that, it was months of disbelief, horror, commiserating with like-minded friends, arguing with those who disagreed. More often than not, it would devolve into name calling and real hurt feelings. I blocked my own mother more than one time. Guess how much of a difference any of it made? How much good it did? Not a bit.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything political. I just don’t have the energy anymore. I suppose I’ve kind of accepted that this is the shit sandwich we’ve been served, and though it may be all that’s offered, I don’t have to sit at the table and eat it. I’m just over here, working on me, I guess. So, no more Trump stuff. Fine. I’ll just focus on the other stuff.

Well, that wasn’t working out anymore, either. I joined a lot of groups aligned with my specific interests- some connected to podcasts I love, a few ADHD related ones, a GOT one, of course. I can tell you honestly that there was not one single day in recent months where being on Facebook brought me more happiness than it did disgust.

People cannot spell. How that is possible with spell-check, I do not understand, but it is a real problem. People are anxious and depressed and suicidal, and Facebook is where they go to discuss it. People have health problems, and Facebook is where they go to discuss it. People hate the finale of Game of Thrones, and Facebook is where they go to talk shit about the writers and demand a do-over. People are upset about everything. Every. Fucking. Thing. And Facebook is where they go to discuss it. The place we go to complain and it feels like something was actually accomplished, when in fact, usually, it means nothing.

My feed was filled with memes I’ve been seeing for ten years, “woke” people getting offended and clutching their precious outrage to their chests as if it were heirloom pearls, cryptic, vague posts from attention seeking souls, preaching about veganism, preaching about the Keto diet, pictures of rashes with “does anyone know what this is?” attached, and like…maybe four pictures of my friends new baby (which I love) and an actually funny or insightful post from one or two friends.

I’m not saying I’m not guilty. Oh boy, am I! I’ve gotten better over time, but it’s definitely been a learning curve. My Facebook “memories” that pop up daily have some humiliating little gems. I am just as bad as the next guy- sometimes even worse.

Oh, Lord. My blood pressure is up just talking about it! I’m not even joking. So clearly, it’s no longer a healthy outlet for me. Plus, here I am, in the midst of all this spiritual shit, trying so hard not to judge myself or others, and…Facebook is never, ever gonna allow that shift to happen. Maybe when I’m more advanced or something? I don’t know. But at this time, I recognize that I have no business poking around there. It brings nothing to my life. It makes me feel terrible.

And so, the other day, without even thinking it over, I just deactivated my account. I didn’t flounce, I didn’t announce, I didn’t say shit to anyone. I just bounced. And the relief was immediate. I’m choosing to opt out of things that make me feel yucky. Things that cause me to have unkind thoughts that therefore make me feel guilty or shitty. I wondered briefly if friends would think I blocked them, but then I realized if they are really my friends, they can always call me. Or send me a message. Most likely, they won’t even notice or care.

I don’t need more opinions clamoring for attention in my head. I don’t need to constantly wonder if my humor is offensive, or if I’m a good enough parent, or if something I’ve said will be taken the wrong way. I don’t want to open myself up to being schooled by someone who thinks they know so much more than me, but in reality, simply has a different idea of the world. I don’t want it. I want out. I want out of all of that malarkey. So I left. It was simple as that.

Will I go back? I don’t know. Not anytime soon, I don’t think. I’m looking forward to thinking for myself, eating in a restaurant without checking in, avoiding the court of public opinion and overbearing political correctness. I want to be in a quieter world, with real life people who aren’t experiencing the rush of digital bravery only a keyboard provides. Facebook encourages and rewards false living, fake thinking, pretend empathy, and real meanness. I can’t seem to moderate my consumption, or get on board with the status quo…so I’m opting out.

Sorry, I just really needed to get that out. I feel better now. 🙂

Posted in adventure, advice, Goals, happiness, inner peace, Life, Mental Health, misinformation, Musings, People

Question Everything

question everything

I’m about to do something I don’t do very often, and that is come at you with some frank instructions. I normally shy away from this, because who am I to think that I am the authority on anything? The answer? I’m not, and I don’t.

But I think this is valuable. My instruction is simple: Question Everything. Everything you’ve been conditioned to think, everything you believe, everything you just assume to be true.

This society we live in loves nothing more than it loves slapping labels and rules on things. It is a phenomenon that has invaded every single particle of our lives, from the way we “should” be setting up our lives, to the way we define success, to the proper way to THINK, even. Our very thoughts are subject to the opinions of others, if we dare share them honestly. And for the most part, we accept what we are given. Life is hard enough as it is without trying to buck the constraints of society, of all…THAT, right? It’s true.

But…maybe, one day, your perspective shifts out of the blue. Maybe you suddenly find yourself wondering “what if that isn’t true for me?” I would just like to encourage you to follow that thread. Maybe you grew up hearing you were lazy, or that you weren’t living up to your potential. Maybe you hate your job with every fiber of your being but you are terrified to make a change because you have been conditioned to place security in the same spot as happiness. Perhaps you were raised with religion and now you fear God, and it makes your life hard. There are more ways that we harbor ideas about life and ourselves than I could ever possibly list, but if you have a moment of clarity, where you think “wait a minute…is that even real?” It is worth examining.

No one gets to decide who you are except for you. No one can tell you how to think, or who to be, or which direction to go. No one can dictate to you how God shows up (or doesn’t) in your life. And, for Pete’s sake, society should not get the final say on how much we count in the world. Be who you want to be, who you REALLY are. If you don’t even know who that is, this is a really good time to figure it out. This world needs people who are living their truth, straight from their heart. And if that’s too weird for the masses, well…fuck the masses, then. They’ll figure it out eventually, or they won’t. Just take some time to examine what goes on in your own head- I think you’ll be surprised to find that a lot of the “truths” you discover might not only be questionable…they might not even be yours to begin with.

It’s worth a look. You deserve the opportunity to live your precious life in a way that is perfect for you. Only you can say what that is.

 

Posted in adventure, happiness, inner peace, Life, Musings, spirit, spirituality

Back to Earth

What a crazy, strange, and indescribable past two weeks it has been. I mean, really- I have done my very best to put into words the experiences and feelings I have been having recently, and I know that I haven’t even come close to doing it justice. I have added at least five or six unpublishable posts to my “drafts” folder here, mostly because they sound like the ramblings of a mad woman.

Finally, it occurred to me, in the midst of my utter frustration yesterday, when failing again to convey what it is I am trying to share with you all…maybe I’m not really supposed to. Maybe parts of this experience are meant just for me, and the reason I can’t outline them adequately is because that’s not what this is for. Perhaps, sometime down the road, if and when I have integrated some of what I’ve been shown into my life and seen some change because of it, then I will be able to. Maybe I never will. Either thing is okay.

What I can share for sure is this- life does not end at death. We go on. Where we go after is a bit of a mystery, but who we are, our souls, continue. And while that is fascinating and wonderful, and such a relief…the fact remains that I am experiencing THIS life in THIS body as THIS person currently known as Courtney. So, where do I go next?

Well, one of the things I know for sure is that I must do my very best to fill this life with as much joy and love and fun as I can. This sounds like it should be easy, right? But I have all these bad habits and barriers I’ve built up over time…ideas about who I am that need to be dealt with. It will not be an overnight process, but at least I can see the next few steps I need to take. That’s really all we ever need to see- the next few steps.

Today, I am going to try very hard not to judge myself for where I am at right now. I am where I am, and there’s no point in being mad about it or bothering with regret. I am going to clean out my fridge and fill it back up with healthy foods- I know this sounds trivial, but nourishing this body I’ve been given seems important to me. I’m going to take my daughter and my dog for a walk on the beach. I’m going to leave my phone in the car. I’m going to invest myself fully in the present moment, and try very hard to not think about tomorrow or yesterday.

Knowing that our souls are eternal does not diminish the fact that all that truly matters in this lifetime is right now, right where we are. Everything else can be dealt with in its time.

So, here’s to living in the moment. Let tomorrow be dealt with when it gets here.

Posted in adventure, anxiety, faith, happiness, inner peace, Life, love, meditation, Mental Health, Musings, People, spirit, spirituality

Turning Toward the Pain

If you have been following along on this scribbled down leg of my life’s journey with me, then you know that I have been through some STUFF. Since I started this relationship with WordPress years ago, I have shared my stories of addiction, recovery, relapse, and more recently, my exit from recovery. I have talked about guilt, shame, parenting fails, anxiety, depression, and probably a trillion other things I couldn’t possibly remember right now. I have talked about God, about my spiritual life, about my desire to evolve, be better, do better. I write a lot about the times I get up, and I probably write a lot more about the times when I feel knocked down. These are the things I need to speak from my heart more urgently. These are the things I feel called to share.

If you have ever thought “Man, this poor girl can’t catch a break- it’s always something!” I want to be clear that there are always times when I could choose to take a time-out. There are probably months worth of posts where I have been gliding along, feeling peaceful, overflowing with gratitude. But it is my nature to seek. I feel in my soul the urge to grow and change and untangle the knots of who I am. It is inherently part of what makes me me.

This latest little series of posts is no different- although, of course, it is different than anything else I have been through. It’s just a new set of interesting things I am sorting through and figuring out. I am not lost, I am not in over my head, I am not losing my hold on reality. I do not need to be fixed. I am not broken. To the contrary, I am strong, resilient, capable, and independent to a fault.

On that note, I want to tell you that it is entirely possible to be strong, resilient, capable and independent, and still be a walking vessel for fear. I am still afraid, all the time, about things I can’t control. Most, if not all, of them are made up scenarios in my head that I dream up to torture myself. Why do I do this? I couldn’t say. Perhaps I spend too much time alone and have a bit too much going on in the imagination department. If my life were a TV show,  the scenes unfolding in my head would be hilarious. Unfortunately, this is real life, and they aren’t funny in the moment.

I am going through a little phase of this right now. My anxiety is flaring up, my imagination is firing on all cylinders, and the fear is revving its engine, just waiting to tear off down the track, dragging me behind it. And you know what? WHATEVER.

That’s the word I’ve chosen to deal with all of it. WHATEVER. Okay, brain, fine, do your worst. I’m just gonna hang on and let this thing play itself out. I can survive it. I’ve done it a million times before. I have done therapy, read books, reasoned with myself, tried distraction, prayer, meditation…you name it. So, fine. If I insist on continuing this way, then whatever. I accept it.

No, you know what? I more than accept it. This feeling in the pit of my stomach, the harbinger of nerves to come? I embrace it. This feeling comes from a place of deep, if misguided, love. And how lucky am I to love so much that sometimes it hurts me? I wish that my relationship with love didn’t hold so much fear, but right now it does, and while I am working on a solution, I want to take a moment to acknowledge how brave my spirit must be…to be so afraid, and still be able to love the way I do. At least when it comes to my children, I am an open channel of never-ending love, and it is terrifying, but it is also the best, most beautiful part of my life.

So today, rather than admonish myself for my inconvenient feelings, I am going to turn towards them. Turn towards the pain and the fear, and say “I see you. I get it. I understand why you keep showing up.” Maybe I just need to learn to sit with it, instead of always running away. Show my fear, and the pain it causes, some tenderness and understanding, because it’s a part of me, and it comes from a place in me that is hurting. I am not broken. But there are depths I have not explored and places inside that I keep locked away, even from myself. I’m getting closer, all the time, to letting the light in.

I think it’s pretty human to want to get away from things that don’t feel good. Whether it’s a bad pair of shoes, or feelings that make us uneasy or cause us distress- pain, fear, worry, jealousy, anger, sadness. We always want the sunny ones, but the darker ones we feel the need to change, resolve, hide, analyze, fix. But there is value in the painful stuff. There’s a reason, and there’s growth there…painful feelings are trying to tell us something we need to hear. Sometimes it’s just hard to listen because we can’t be still with them. I’m going to try really hard to listen this time.

Feeling less than okay is okay. Today I give myself permission to feel my feelings without judging them or trying to change them, with no expectation of a different outcome. I just want to see how it feels to do something different. I want to see where this path leads.

Posted in happiness, inner peace, Learning, Life, love, meditation, Musings, People, spirit, spirituality

Spiritual Meltdown

This is now my third attempt at this post, and if I make it through this one without spinning off into incomprehensibility, it will feel like a win. Here’s the deal- I am not well versed in the language of spiritual experiences. I can create a vulgarity-laced diatribe so naturally that it is impressive…I mean, almost poetic sometimes. I have made combinations of dirty words so offensive that even I have been shocked every now and again. I am literal, and matter-of-fact, and, though I love the idea of magical, mystical, whimsical things, I am practical enough to take things with a grain of salt.

Yet here I am, nine days since my regression, and I’m pretty sure I’m in the midst of a spiritual…I don’t know what to call it, honestly. At first it felt like a shift, then I thought maybe an awakening? But now I kind of want to call it a meltdown. I think I’m having a spiritual meltdown, you guys. Oh, and by the way, if you don’t know what in the world I am talking about when I mention my regression, you can read about it here and then the follow-up here.

My head is so crazy with thoughts that I can’t even keep up a little bit. I am no longer even trying to follow along anymore. It’s like ( and forgive me if I’ve already used this analogy previously, I can’t remember) a door was opened up and now all the contents behind that door are rushing out into my conscious mind, clamoring for attention. I feel like I should be carrying around a notebook so I can scribble down the bits and pieces, but I also feel like I would be writing all day long. That’s how nutty it is.

I think, once my head settles down, I might be able to sort through them a bit and make some posts about the important ones, but right now things are so fragmented and scattered that it’s just not possible. If I didn’t know better, I would think I was going crazy, to be honest. If this happened to me without context, I would be very worried. But I can see that my regression experience was some sort of catalyst, and now I am just at the start of something I haven’t dealt with before, so I’m not really afraid. I’m just…hopeful that things settle down soon. I can’t really make use of something that makes no sense.

I’m about 95% sure that I am rambling right now, and goddammit, I am trying hard not to. I am going to try to explain. I thought it would be cool to see a past life, to have that experience, and it WAS. It was so cool! Did I wonder if it was real? Yep, I sure did. I also thought I would do that thing, and then go on with life, no big deal. Instead, two days later, I started seeing parallels between my current life and the life I visited, and realized I needed to pay attention. On the tails of that, I was hit with the realization that my priorities (and those of the world in general) are wrong, my perception of myself was incorrect, and the way that I think is problematic. Simultaneously, I got that judgement (of myself and others- like, my number one favorite thing.) has got to stop, that forgiveness (of myself and others, which I SUCK at) is imperative, and that love is the most important thing, period. Which is great, love is GREAT, but I have these super massive walls in place because I’m terrified of vulnerability, and love and vulnerability are like BFF’s, you know.

So…I mean, WTF?! Not to mention the fact that I have cried, a LOT, every single day since then. I’m no robot, but I have gone years before without crying even once. It’s 6:28 in the morning, and I already ugly-sobbed once today! WHAT is HAPPENING to me? For once in my life, not only are the right words escaping me, but I do not know where to turn for guidance, because I don’t even know what this is. I’ve googled “Spiritual Awakening”, “Spiritual Shift”, “What happens after a past life regression”, you name it, I’ve googled it. There are certain things that fit, but lots that don’t. If you can think of anything, I am listening. Point me in a direction, I’ll do the work.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that work, which is a struggle for me even in “normal” times (whatever normal is in relation to me), has become barely tolerable in the midst of all this spiritual chaos. I have been a little nervous that I would just quit my job due to the pointlessness of it all, though rationally I do understand that having a home and being able to eat are rather important. It just seems so…stupid. Working while contemplating the eternal nature of our souls and our purpose here on earth. It certainly isn’t to memorize diagnosis codes or clear edits for patient billing. Blech.

This morning, when I prayed, I thanked God for this new perspective, but asked if he could kindly slow the whole thing down a little bit for me. Maybe show me one area to think about at a time, give me a place to start rather than a million little hints. What came up in meditation was self-forgiveness, which, as I mentioned above, is rather difficult for me. Forgiveness of all kinds. So, that is what I am going to be try to focus on over the next few days, and see if I can make some progress.

I’ll certainly be back soon. I have so much to say, and just hope I can find the words without sounding like I’ve gone off the deep end. I assure you, I have not. As a matter of fact, as strange as it all may seem, I can’t help but wonder if this is perhaps the most clear sighted I have ever been? I never, ever, not in a million trillion years, would have thought that one regression would shake me up in this way. I have no idea if this has ever happened to anyone else, because I can’t find any information on it. But I’m not sorry. I’m just surprised. I really hope some of this made sense to someone. If not, well…that’s okay, too. I needed to get it out.

Talk to you soon!

Posted in adventure, happiness, inner peace, Learning, Life, manifestation, Musings, People, spirit, spirituality, Uncategorized

Two Days Later

It’s been two days since my regression, and…I thought it was all over with. Cool experience, some doubting that experience, gleaned some interesting insights, obviously cannot stop thinking about it.

But life goes on right? Went back to work yesterday, had the longest, most painfully awful day…I couldn’t tell you why it felt that way if I tried, but I felt that I was genuinely suffering. Forced myself to run some errands last night, battled with myself the whole way through. Made a nice dinner for Cam and I, stressing throughout the process. Sat down feeling resentful and unappreciated and…just mad. Woke up this morning, rushed through our routine feeling like a frazzled drill sergeant-‘why is she so slow?!’ ‘why does she pull this crap every day?’ ‘I’m so SICK of this shit!’- Basically my internal monologue. Pleasant, right?

I’m honestly in tears right now, writing this out. Because it hit me, like a two-ton weight just now, that I AM DOING IT AGAIN. Just like HER. Petulant, spoiled, determined to grouse and complain and never, ever feel like anything is good enough. I know how crazy this whole thing sounds- I mean, it has to, right? But it feels so, so important and real and obvious to me right now. The clarity with which I am suddenly seeing the parallels…well, I guess I couldn’t have possibly seen them prior to the regression, of course, but seeing it now…wow.

I know I struggle with gratitude. I connect with it at times, but other times- long, bleak stretches of time- I can’t get there. I have an incredible life. I’m not even going to go into all the ways that it is so good, because I don’t want to get bogged down in making a list that I’ve made a hundred times before. It doesn’t even matter. What matters is that I know it, and that I feel it, and that I realize what a goddamn miracle I am. I stacked the odds against myself right out of the gate- I did everything I could do to make my life hard, and I fought myself- not anyone else, ME- to get back on track again.

I have been on the receiving end of more chances, more forgiveness, more blessings and grace and luck than anyone will ever know. I don’t know why, I have no answer for that. But I know that it is true. So how in the HELL am I still sitting here, complaining? Feeling mad? Hating my job that has given me a life I could not have dreamed up because my mind wasn’t capable of thinking that abundantly. Stomping my way through Target on my strong, capable, healthy legs, mad that my beautiful, curious, funny child won’t stop bothering me. Upset because…because why? Just what is it that I want? What is it that is wrong?

I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to that. Probably because there isn’t one. There is not one good reason for me to be anything other than content. And right now I am feeling really ashamed of myself. Or maybe that’s not right, either. I think I just feel sad for myself. That I let myself wind up here. After seeing that other life…another blessed woman, another person who couldn’t be pleased. I know how that story ended. I don’t want this story to go that way.

My buddy Cinamon sent me a text last night, after reading my last post. She wanted to know if I thought my life would change now that I had seen what I’d seen. My immediate reaction was “NO.” I didn’t say that, but it’s what I thought. “I don’t need to change, I can’t change, why would I change?” were the defensive, knee-jerk reaction answers that bubbled up. But it isn’t true. I can change, and I HAVE to change, or my life will be sour and empty and sad. I am sure this sounds super melodramatic, but I promise you, it is the truth. You know me here, what I write, what I choose to share. Or even if we are friends in real life, there’s a good chance you have very little idea what my inner life is like. I have made a hobby of dissatisfaction, and I’m so…difficult. Even with myself. The closer you are to me, the more you know I speak the truth. And it’s such a waste of time. It’s so dumb.

I have no idea how to stop being this way. I am pretty sure it’s not just going to go away without a bit of a struggle. But I can’t unsee what my soul chose to show me, and I can’t un-know the truths that are being revealed. I asked for this, I prayed for it, even. It was given to me for a reason…so that maybe I could have a chance to do better this time around. I sure didn’t expect for all of this to come up, but here it is. I guess I have some work to do.

That regression opened up something that wants to stay open. It’s not scary or anything, but it’s pretty fucking real.  Thoughts are popping into my head that are not the kinds of things I normally think…it’s like, my voice, but instructions: “Just do everything with love. Whatever it is, do it with love.” That’s a pretty good one. There are others, but I’ll wait. This is already a lot. If you made it through all this, bless you. I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but I’ll definitely be sharing whatever it is.