Posted in anxiety, escape, family, friendship, happiness, health, Life, Mental Health, Musings, People, random

Interesting Times

Hi! Since the last time I showed my face around here, I have: turned 45, tried and fell very short when helping my child with distance learning, lost both my bras for weeks at a time. I’ve- stopped shaving completely, then really regretted that when I made myself start again; resumed some weird, nervous habits that I thought were related only to my drug use, but I guess not. I have wondered daily if I were completely going off the deep end, or if…you know, my feelings were warranted, based on the information I had.

I have vacillated almost comically between wanting to make the best of things, and wanting to just throw the freaking towel in completely. Sometimes several times within the same day. Things are hard. They are weird. They are scary.

It doesn’t matter that I’m one of the luckier ones whose life hasn’t even changed all that drastically, really. I still work from home. Cam would have been off school anyway, it just happened a little sooner. It’s the way it feels. I can’t just go do whatever, whenever I want to- well, I can, I guess, but not safely. Even when the restaurants here were open for a few weeks, there was no way in hell I was going out. I knew that it was too soon, and I knew exactly what would happen. It gives me no pleasure to find I was right. Now everything is shutting down again, and this virus is worse than it has ever been here.

It feels like I am in limbo, because I am. Everything is uncertain and on hold. I catch myself holding my breath. A lot. Nothing about this feels good to me, I don’t like it, and…there’s not a single thing I can do about it. Other than keep soldiering on, trying to do my best.

Some days my best looks really great! I get a lot done and go to bed at night thinking “This isn’t so bad!”. Other days, the best I can do is peel myself off the couch and away from whatever I’m binge watching on Hulu long enough to make my kid a grilled cheese sandwich.

All this to say…whatever you are going through, wherever you fall on the spectrum, you are well within your right to be there. I don’t know a single person, not one, who is not struggling in some way. This is the weirdest event most of us have ever, and hopefully will ever, live through. It won’t go on forever. I don’t know what that means right now, but I do know that things will change, because that is simply what things do. They change.

One of the reasons I took a break from all of this was because I was so overwhelmed by the clamoring voices all around me, spouting out their opinions as if they were facts. It got to be too much, and I didn’t want to contribute to that, in case I was making things confusing for other people. I didn’t want to be part of it.

But I do want to check in and tell you all…hang in there. Do your best, whatever that looks like today. One way or another, this will all be behind us eventually.

Until then, I can’t recommend highly enough watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from start to finish on Hulu. Now that’s what I call a great escape! 🙂

Author:

I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

12 thoughts on “Interesting Times

  1. “Whatever you are going through, wherever you fall on the spectrum, you are well within your right to be there” – this is such an important realization. I held an online conference for over 100 people at work recently to raise awareness of the need to check in with ourselves and with each other. It’s truly scary how badly this is affecting people, and how often they feel they are alone, or even how many don’t realize how badly they are struggling. It’s OK to not be OK!

    Hang on to the good days, to help you through the tough times. We’ll get through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Courtney,
    Enjoy your blog. And reading this latest one, no doubt, you are not unique. I so relate, want to run, play, checkout. But office, home, store, repeat, IS my life today.

    I was “directed” to your blog from a FB group we are both members of. I’ve been reading, and reading… The blog goes in many different directions, like life. Really enjoy it. I really liked the “1835” days. I’ll be 13,149 this Friday. It itself, amazing for a guy who turned 60 at Christmas.

    You’re interesting, love the blog! Drop me a note!
    John

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, awesome! I’m glad you are here. Thank you so very much! ❤️❤️❤️ yes, it is all over the place…sometimes I think I should pare it down, but I won’t. It’s a true and honest snapshot of my life. 😊 Congratulations on your days, man! That’s amazing!

      Like

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