Posted in adventure, faith, Goals, Life, manifestation, Musings, People, random

Rollercoaster

My life is an awful lot like a trip to an amusement park right now. And no, I don’t mean crowded, expensive, chaotic and filled with terrible, overpriced food.

Well, actually…never mind. That is also accurate. But the angle I was going for was more the rollercoaster thing. You wait in line for eons, inching forward a few steps at a time. Bored, but trying to make the best of it. You get closer and closer, but you aren’t sure how close you are to your turn because the way the line is set up, you can only see so far ahead. Next thing you know, you’re being waved through, rushed into your seat, the bar slams down across your chest, and…suddenly you aren’t so sure you want to do this anymore. But before you can say a word, off you go, shooting forward, then up, up, up! Way too fast, and way scarier than you expected, but there’s nothing you can do except hold on and hope for the best.

Yep, that’s how my life has felt the past two weeks. Except it’s a daily event and I am on this ride alone, and no one is manning the controls. The me that hoped and planned and prayed so desperately for all of the things I was handed seems to have wandered off into the ether somewhere, leaving in her place the version of me who keeps asking questions like “What the fuck?” and “Why are you doing this to me?” (and yes, that is me asking myself, in the most accusatory voice possible, why I am doing this to me. I’m not making this up, this actually took place inside my head.)

It’s like I lost the thread. The one that connected me to my reason for wanting this, and wanting this badly. Suddenly it seems like this is too much, it’s too far, and there are too many unknowns. I am worried about being lonely, getting sick, dying alone, and not knowing how to get to the grocery store in the snow. In my current mindset, these things all seem equally likely and equally horrible.

Lucky for me, I know that this is nothing more than my fear taking control of the wheel. Although I didn’t anticipate it, I should have. After all, my anxiety loves nothing more than taking an adventure and trying to turn it into a horror show.

To be fair, this is more of an undertaking than I had expected. The logistics alone of moving two cats, a dog, and two people 2700 miles away are…kind of nightmarish. If I had unlimited time and money, it would be a totally different story, but I don’t. I have a cap on both, and a lot of stuff to deal with in a short time frame even before we start the actual move. I could also really use a truck right about now. Of my own, so I don’t have to ask for help constantly. Right now, I have 21 days to button things up here. I also have a LOT of anguish.

You know what else I have? Faith that it’s all going to work out. And that’s the truth. I’m not just blowing happy smoke up your backside. At the center of it all, I still believe that this will be an incredible thing, an adventure that enriches our lives. I believe it is absolutely meant to be. Something wonderful will come of this, mark my words. I don’t know what it is, but I know what I feel.

I can know that, and still be afraid. Still have moments of doubt and hesitation, still cry my eyes out for the safe little life I am leaving behind. I have room for all of those things.

I just cannot allow them to hold me back or keep me stuck. They can be here, but they can’t get in my way.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go clean out the cupboards. I only have 21 days left!

Author:

I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

6 thoughts on “Rollercoaster

  1. Best wishes on your move!
    I love your analogy of the roller coaster – and you write so well.

    And if it is any encouragement – it was 20 years ago this month that we moved our family from
    Colorado to Florida (and then FL to CA and then to VA wishing three years). And we were the better for it – even as tiring as it can be.
    And sounds like you already know you will reap the many good fruits – and you noted the faith and grounding you have! Also this is why some folks avoid moves or out off what they desire – the fear and the hard work keeps them stuck! So smile because you are spreading your wings and taking that chance !
    A

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Well do bring every thought captive or you will kiss the joy of right now – I know you know that but reminder !
        And you are different from me – I was usually naively blinded during the move and transitions – it was later when it would sink in – once the busy hustle ended – for example – leaving Denver was like an energized adventure – and when folks at our church were crying I was thinking “really? Come on now be excited for us – we are going to Florida!” But years later – many years – when we never saw them again or only a few times – the seriousness hit me – if that makes sense
        But I really believe too often we talk ourselves out of things for the wrong reasons and so I think even if it doesn’t work out like planned – we “fail forward” and end up with a lot of smokes later because we did it — no regrets!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Also – check out the mindset talk by Carol Dweck (2006) she talks about a growth kid set and a fixed mindset

        And sometimes we bring thoughts captive by identifying them as either one
        For example – a fixed mindset would say this move sucks and what the heck am I doing
        The growth mindset would at this move does suck but the effort and time will pay off because I am taking a chance –

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Learning how to let multiple wildly different things/feelings/perspectives/truths be true or real or warranting some air time is exhilarating and freeing…. may that amazing mix stay possible for your next 42 or more days…. Sounds intense! I hope you come into a truck (even lent) of your “own” for a couple of weeks.

    Liked by 1 person

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