Category Archives: fun



I have a confession to make, and trust me, it pains me to admit it, but…I’m REALLY lazy. This is not something people would generally guess about me, considering that I come off like a really energetic person- I mean, I talk a lot, I talk fast, and I seem really outgoing, joking and making wise ass remarks all the time. But that’s the thing- you can easily confuse my energetic talking and moving for busy-ness, although unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. I can move around a whole lot and still accomplish impressively little.

I try…oh, Lord, do I try. I wake up every day with my latest plan, all of the things I intend to do with the next 24 hours. Somewhere along the way, though, I always find myself laying down on the couch, remote in hand, griping that I’ve seen every show on TV. Just let that sink in for a moment- think about how many shows there are on TV. Now think about the fact that I’ve seen them all. Does that tell you anything? And of course, I haven’t seen EVERY show. But all the ones I like to watch- all the ghost shows, and Forensic Files, Snapped and the like. I swear to you, I’ve seen almost every episode that is in rotation. That translates to a lot of TV watching. Not to mention the fact that I read at least one book a week, work on the novel I am writing, keep up with my blog, and work full time.

Okay, wait…this is making me sound like I am not lazy. But I really am, I promise you. My point is, I make time (plenty of it) for things I want to do. But I hate doing the things I NEED to do. Like dishes. Right now, both sides of the sink are completely full of dirty dishes. When I got my coffee ready last night, I had to wedge the pot under the faucet right where the sink is divided because that was the only space available- and it took some maneuvering. I managed to take two naps yesterday, and bitch about my TV options, but I couldn’t find the strength to deal with the dishes? That is laziness.

And laundry? Don’t even get me started. A few months back, I actually accomplished something so amazing I never thought it could be achieved- I finished ALL my laundry. All of it. It was even folded and put away. I promised myself I would never again get behind on this task, and that, for the rest of my life, laundry would be handled. Fast forward to now…Not one person who must legally wear pants in public will be able to leave this house today unless I get my shit together. Which probably means we are staying home.

It’s just…housework is not something I am good at. I try, I really do. Every week, I do make some effort to right things around here. I even hired a housekeeper for a little bit, but…well, all I can say about that is, be careful about housekeepers from Craigslist. If they give you references, you should probably check them. After she flooded my laundry room and then tried to blame it on me, THEN told me she wasn’t willing to clean it up properly because she might hurt her back, I knew it was time to move on. Also, she kept making remarks about my house being dirty, which, duh, was why I hired her in the first place. It wasn’t a good experience, all in all.

Also, I am kind of a borderline hoarder. I keep everything. I am especially afraid of throwing out cords and wires that I don’t know why I have them or where they came from. They look so important, and I just know that if I throw them out, I am going to regret it at some point. When you are the one in charge of everything in your house, there’s no one around to ask “Hey,what does this go to?” and so…into the closet, into the pile they go. That is one of the biggest issues I stumble over when trying to organize my life- the “what if I need this later?” thing, or the “Oh, I will totally use this” thing. Spoiler: I probably won’t, to both.

And the icing on top of this inedible cake is that I have three animals who all shed as if their very lives depend on it. There is so much hair in this house, it’s kind of frightening. I don’t know what to do about that, aside from shaving both my dog and my two cats, which would be hilarious, but seems a bit overkill. I mean, all in all, my life is just gross. And it has layers. Remove the hair layer, and there is the junk layer. Remove the junk layer, and there is the dirty house layer.

It’s enough to make me want to go lay down on the couch and take a nap. But I guess I should probably go do the dishes.


Three Things, Late Edition

three hearts

I tried, I really did, to get this thing written last night, but…unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control ( it was after seven in the evening, and I had eaten peanut butter pie after dinner) I just wasn’t able to form any type of cohesive sentence-like structures for this blog. It’s a little before five now, so I might not do much better, but I am going to take a shot. Here goes:

  1. This has been a weird week. My schedule got screwed up, being basically on quarantine with my sick kid, and I have learned that I am highly dependent on my routine to maintain my sanity. I don’t know when this started- I mean, I lived a life that was the very opposite of “routine” for most of my years on earth, and suddenly, a few days are a little different, and it’s enough to take me down. I want so badly to be the kind of person who just goes with the flow, but I guess that just isn’t who I am. I have to try a little harder- or at least it feels that way to me- than most people to maintain my equilibrium. I often wish I were different…but you know what would also be cool? Being totally okay with who I know myself to be. That would be refreshing! Also, Cam is fine- she had a little cold, aggravated by some seasonal allergies, and now she is good as new.
  2. I wrote a post this week that I am really proud of. I don’t usually do this on my “Three Things” blog, but I am going to this week- if you haven’t checked it out already, I would love for you to. You can find it here . The truth of the matter is, when you are trying to maintain a blog with regular posts, you want to write from the heart all the time, but it can be hard. Sometimes, you just can’t access the deep stuff, it’s just not where you are at. Or sometimes, you are in a funny mood, or just need to share something mundane. But every once in a while, you write something that really means something, and that happened for me the other day. My journey in life isn’t ALL about recovery from drugs, but it is a huge part of my story, and I want to share it with the people who might need to see it. So there it is.
  3. Valentine’s Day happened this week, and I didn’t mention it at all. Mostly because…well, why would I? I have SERIOUS issues surrounding romantic relationships, and overall, Valentine’s Day is just not my thing. But it’s hard not to feel a tiny bit left out when Instagram is basically flooded with lovey-dovey posts and pictures of happy couples. I’m not completely dead inside- I do remember what it’s like to feel that way, and I miss it sometimes. So, by Valentine’s evening, I was feeling a bit…deflated, you might say. Well, my ex showed up with balloons and a card for me, from my daughter, and I thought that was really nice. He also got me a vaguely threatening coffee mug that says “Family is Forever”, but I’ll give him a pass. I’m sure he didn’t mean to freak me out.

And that is it- those are my three things for this week! I will be back here one day this weekend to share something brilliant (or mediocre, maybe) and I hope you all have a fantastic and quick Friday.

Three (Cheerful) Things

In an attempt to highlight the more awesome parts of my life, I thought my three things this week should be happy things. So here goes:

cinnamon rolls

  1. I made my daughter cinnamon rolls this morning. I mean, I didn’t make them from scratch or anything, but she was certainly impressed. All I did was open the can (which, as most of us will agree, canned breads of any type are TERRIFYING to open!) and pop them in the oven, but she was beyond excited about the treat. Which made me feel great, and was just an all around awesome way to start the day. I really needed that this week.seaside
  2. The weather here has been gorgeous this week! I mean, I live on the Monterey Peninsula, so even at its worst, it’s still pretty fantastic, but when the sun is shining here…it’s just unbelievable. Seriously, some Disney Princess weather we’ve been having. Birds singing, poor confused little flowers popping up everywhere, little white butterflies. It’s hard to be glum when mother nature is showing off like she has been. I mean, I can do it, but it takes a lot of work.facebook 2
  3. My Facebook Fast in January seems to have worked. I think I actually broke its toxic hold on me. I can get on there, but I don’t have to get on there, and I certainly don’t do it 500 times a day. Maybe once or twice, tops, and I am not posting hourly. I was really out of control…it has left a bit of a hole in my life, though, I’m not going to lie. Facebook gives you the feeling that you have a very busy social life, when in fact, all you’ve got is a busy social network. Those two things are not at all the same. I am trying hard to connect on a more personal level, but it really is going to take time, I think. And I am okay with that. Quality over quantity, for sure.

So there you have it! My three things for the week. I hope the idea of Friday coming up quick is cheering you up, and that you, like me, have a three day weekend coming up! Yay for three day weekends! Definitely in my top 100 favorite things.




I gave up laughter for years.

I mean the good kind, the kind that rolls out of you uncontrollably, the kind that makes you double up, the kind that makes you cross your legs so you don’t pee your pants. The best kind- the laughter that comes out so hard that it makes no sound, just your big open mouth, your shaking shoulders. I can’t even think about that kind of laughter without smiling.

I gave it up, and I didn’t even realize it. Which is weird, because I love to laugh so much! I didn’t stop making other people laugh- I have always been really good at that, and it is an excellent way to distract people from what is wrong. When you can make people laugh, it’s easy for them to assume that you are okay, that you are happy, right? Happy people make other people laugh. I don’t think that is true at all. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I adore making people laugh, but…it’s a show you put on. A friendlier way than my other go-to of crazy anger to keep people at arms length. To keep them from asking too many questions, or seeing me too clearly. Deflect, distract, confuse. Another tool in my arsenal.

I don’t remember doing too much laughing myself. At least, not the good kind. The sad fact is, when you are deep in addiction, you don’t have much to laugh about. It’s not fun. It’s a life in survival mode, just barely keeping your head above water.Then, if you are lucky, and if you work really hard at it, you get clean and shit gets REALLY real. If you are doing step work and working with a sponsor, things come up. Feelings you didn’t feel ten years ago clamor to be felt. You deal with anxiety, remorse, shame, regret, depression, elation, joy, love, relief, exhaustion and peace. But what you might find little room for in your life, while dealing with all this other stuff, is silliness. And silliness is a big ingredient in laughter.

For me, at least, it was a long, long time before I stopped being so tense. I had been so on my guard for so long, so careful in the way that I lived my life out of fear of being found out, that it was a long while before I trusted myself to keep going. Believe me when I say that I am not some paragon of ease- I can’t see that ever happening. I am a little tightly wound, as friends and family will attest. Lately, though, I have found myself able to breathe. To be in the moment, to let go, to have fun.

And I have been laughing so much. So much that it has caught my attention several times over the past few weeks. My little daughter, the one I am with the most, has noticed too. She’s the one I’ve been cracking up with the most, and it’s like some kind of medicine, I swear. We laughed our way through Target the other night, being silly as hell, and causing people to stare at us as we giggled and swerved our cart through the aisles. I am not lying when I say that several children looked at us with longing, wishing they were having as much fun as we were.

We’ve been laughing in the car, and laughing in our house, laughing in the morning when I wake her up, and laughing while we brush our teeth. We almost died laughing during a dance off we had in the living room the other night.

I’ve been laughing at work, and laughing in meetings. Last night, at my critique group, it felt great to laugh with my writer friends about writer stuff. And yesterday, when I was complaining about my sudden acne outbreak and my friend asked me why I thought I was breaking out, I pointed to my face and said “Hemorrhoids” when what I meant to say, in fact, was “Hormones”. I literally almost peed my pants. Come on, that’s freaking hilarious.

I missed laughing so much. If you are just starting out on this journey, I promise you, the day will come when your heart and spirit have healed enough to let your guard down. You will trust yourself again, and you will find, without even realizing that it’s happened, you are whole. You will find that you can breathe again, you will find it easy to smile, and I promise you, you will laugh.

The good kind of laugh.

The Blogger Appreciation Award


I was excited to have been nominated the other day by The Non-Alcoholic Student for The Blogger Appreciation Award. I needed a few days to properly accept the award, mostly because I am challenged when it comes to things like figuring out how to insert links properly…hey, I’m here to write. The technical aspects can be a little intimidating. However, I did figure it out (it actually wasn’t all that hard), and now here I sit, feeling all appreciated and shit. Thanks for thinking of me, kid! Anyway, you should check out her blog- the title is pretty telling, but just in case you don’t get it, it’s a blog about a University student who is choosing the rare path of not drinking, rather than passing the time as a drunken mess.

Now lets see…what else do I have to do? Let me refer back to the rules…gimme a minute. Okay found them. Here they are:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their site.
  • Write a paragraph on something positive about yourself
  • Nominate and notify as many bloggers as you wish
  • Use the award image

Okay, I think I got the first part out of the way! Now let’s see…something positive about myself.

Well, I’m a pretty decent human being. I’ve been working hard on myself for a while now, and I seem to be making some headway. Having spent the majority of my youth deeply under the influence, it’s been interesting to see who I actually am under all the debris I am slowly clearing away. The answer, so far, is exactly that- a pretty decent human being. I am neither as awesome nor as repugnant as I had imagined. One thing I am continually surprised by is how good of a mom I am! I REALLY love making my kids the primary focus of my life- and yes, I know, that’s how most moms generally are, but…well, I wasn’t always this way. So I am really happy and proud of this. At two years and eight months in, I am still at the very beginning of a journey that I hope will last the rest of my life. I have a feeling that as I evolve, and continue to work hard at bettering myself, I am going to grow into exactly the woman I have always dreamed of being.

There, is that positive enough? Okay, on to the next thing. Nominating other bloggers I appreciate. Man, that is rough…I appreciate all of you guys. So, I am just going to pick three, but please know that you all bring something I love to the table, and that is why I follow you! Here goes:

My True North

Out an’ About

Hurrah for Coffee!

I hope you click on each link and give these bloggers a look! The last part asks that I use the award image- I am going to try to do that at the top of the page. We’ll see how THAT goes. Once again, I am so grateful to receive an award in appreciation of my blog. I pour a lot of my heart into this thing, and it feels great to know I am being heard, and reaching people here and there. I think that’s all any of us really want.

Talk to you all soon!

Three Things 1/25

three fingers

It’s Thursday, and you must know by now what that means! I give myself 15 minutes to write about whatever it is I feel like writing about (not including the time I spend googling images to attach to this blog, or the time it takes to think up good tags!) Here are my 3 Things for today:

  1. I was just nominated for an award- The Blogger Appreciation Award, to be precise, by the nonalcoholic student blog, which I have tried and failed to link to here. I will have to get back to that, because, after all, I really only have 15 lousy minutes. I am so technologically challenged, it’s kind of amazing I can blog at all. Thank goodness WordPress makes it easy. Anyway, I am going to graciously fulfill the instructions for accepting this award later, but it feels awfully good to be appreciated. 🙂
  2. I have been writing my ass off- I am super excited to share with you that I have been chosen to contribute content to an upcoming recovery site, with regular contributions to their blog about parenting in recovery. Something I happen to know quite a bit about. So, while I may not have been quite as prolific here as I have been in previous weeks, I am indeed writing lots of stuff, and I will be posting links to their site and my writing as soon as it is up and running, next month. This is really thrilling for me, and I can’t tell you how much it means to me! Especially because I am down to like seven minutes now.
  3. And finally, I am going through some deep changes in my life lately, and I can’t help but think that the catalyst for this was me distancing myself from Facebook. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true! Letting go of one thing has led to me letting go of several other things that were really weighing me down, and I feel better than I have in years. I think I may be kind of streamlining my life. I will be posting a blog that goes more in-depth about that very, very soon. So look for it!

That’s all the time I have today, kids! I hope to be catching up on some blog reading today, and I want all of you to know how much I enjoy the little glimpses I get into your lives. I hope I provide the same feeling for you. Have a beautiful day!

Three Things


As my daughter sits here, eating cereal more slowly than a sloth, I figure I have 15 minutes to do my weekly list. Here are 3 things on my mind this morning:

  1. I am really enjoying WordPress right now. I find new blogs to follow every day, and it is exciting…I have to remember not to get caught up in the rat-race mentality. The purpose of my blog, really, which started out as a way to keep me accountable on my quest to better myself as I grew older, morphed into a sort of journal, and finally became a way for me to talk about my addiction and recovery- that is the purpose of my blog. I do care about “likes” and “follows”, of course I do. But at the end of the day, if each blog finds its way to one person who needs to see it, if one person feels like maybe there is hope after reading my words- that’s really what this is about for me. When I remember that, I enjoy this whole experience a LOT more. I might even do a list of my favorite blogs soon, if I can get my shit together enough to do it.wordpress
  2. This past week has been rough for me. I have been trying hard to take care of myself, but I consistently bite off more than I can chew, and it hit me this morning that I need to remember that I am trying to enjoy my life. If the things I am doing are making me miserable, I am not doing it right. It’s great to have goals, but it’s important to pay attention to the way you feel while you are out pursuing them- if it feels like shit, knock it off. I’m not saying give up the minute things get hard, but if you are really unhappy, you probably aren’t on the right track. That’s where I’m at, anyway.enjoy life
  3. And finally, my favorite Podcast this week is Two Girls, one Ghost. If you like spooky stories, you are going to binge the F%#K out of this one. I am a huge fan. Those girls make my workday bearable. If you are into podcasts and like ghosts, black eyed children, etc., you will enjoy them immensely. Check them out!Two_Girls_One_Ghost-Annes-Version-Draft-6

The Cat Whisperer

You know…I never, ever wanted nor intended to be the cliched, weird “cat lady” on my street- or on any street for that matter. Bad enough that I didn’t get my original little black kitty fixed soon enough, and she jumped out the window the first night I lived in this house, showing up a week later pregnant, with a giant abscess on her hind end. Even worse, I didn’t get rid of her two kittens fast enough (both pure black, like their mama) and now they are my babies- so, for anyone keeping count, I now have three black cats, and a giant, goofy black Labrador Retriever named Lucy, for good measure. The baby cats, who aren’t babies anymore at all, are named Rose and Frankenstein, respectively.

But now it looks like I might have accidentally picked up another cat. I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, but I do know it’s been hanging around outside, eating the food I leave for my original cat, who refuses to come inside, due to overcrowding. He- lets just call him ‘he’ for practical purposes- he finally came over to me last night, and let me pet him. I could tell that he belonged to someone at one time, because he is super tame and sweet, but very thin and nervous. So, I sat with him a while, and gave him lots of love and scratches on the butt. I felt pretty good about it.

Anyway, I went back inside, and that’s when the crying began. I mean, he sat there and cried and cried and cried until I finally opened the door. When I did, he darted inside, and now he refuses to leave. My other cats are very distressed, hissing and spitting and growling, but this cat gives no fucks at all. He’s like, I’m here, get used to it. I tried putting him back outside, but he is having none of that at all.

My older daughter Aisley calls me the Cat Whisperer, because cats love me. I think that’s a kind way of calling me a Cat Lady. Either way, it looks like I have a new cat. Dammit.


Three Things, January 11th

three ostriches

Last week, on Wednesday, I made a post where I gave myself 15 minutes to write out three random things I wanted to talk about- it was super fun, AND it helps me keep my sometimes (okay, pretty much always) lengthy blogs to a reasonable length. I think this might become a thing I do. Anyway, here goes:

  1. What I am Pondering: If you die, is it still your birthday? This has been bugging me all day, as today would have been (is?) my friend Joe’s birthday. He passed away in August, and he’s obviously been on my mind even more than usual today, which is saying something. So, happy birthday to you, Joseph, on the other side. I just heard that on that good old “other side” we are all eternally 30. I think, if this is true, Joe is very happy there indeed.
  2. Life Tweaks: In all the excitement of planning out my busy time of emergence from the cocoon I’ve been living in for the past year, I forgot all about the fact that I’m kind of an introvert- a very extroverted introvert, yes, but an introvert nonetheless. What this means is that I do like being with and around people, but it is also exhausting and overwhelming for me, and I need time to recharge. I did not account for this, but have added a place in my schedule for just the sort of slacking that I need. I am calling it “Do Nothing Thursday”, and may extend it to part of one weekend day. I’m going to see how it goes. The only thing I will be scheduling on Thursdays will be couch time and Travel Channel.
  3. What I am listening to right now: I had a colleague tell me about a podcast she heard of called “By the Book”, and it is hilarious- two women pick a self-help book and live exactly by its rules for two weeks, then report back. I’d go more into it except I am running out of time. Check into it, it’s great!



surfacing by chuck aves
art credit: Chuck Aves

I decided I better write this out before I do my usual blog reading session this morning, because I know there will be a million stories from my fellow writers about the year behind and the year ahead. I want my words to at least feel original on their way out! So here we go:


This year has been one of the best years of my entire life, and I am not exaggerating. It has been a year of incredible self examination and change on a deep level. I am not the person I was 365 days ago, and I like this version of myself so much more. I put another year between me and the worst of my past, and so much of the fear and doubt and self loathing that I didn’t even know I was lugging around with me for so long, it has diminished. I am ending this year so much lighter than I started out- both lighter, as in carrying so much less, and lighter, less covered in darkness.  This year has been HARD, but it was work I needed to do, and I’m glad that I did. There is a calm place inside of me that I can almost always reach now, and there is a brake to slow me down where there never was before. I don’t have to escalate. I can hear myself. I am learning to mind my responses, that I don’t always have to react.

I lost someone that I love this year. It has been four months and four days since he died, and I think about him every single day. I thought about him every single day when he was alive, too. I don’t know what else I can say about this that I haven’t already written about here or here . A little bit of my heart, the only one who shared a lot of my favorite memories, and a really valued friend left the physical world, and I miss him. But I survived it, I stayed clean, and I learned how to grieve deeply, and that you can grow that way, too.

I feel like in 2017, I dived into the depths, and did some much needed exploration and learning. I brought light to places that had been dark for so, so long. I found places that had been forgotten, and brought them back into order. I have seen parts of myself I didn’t know existed, and know myself so much better now. I can look at myself from a different and kinder perspective, and it’s such a relief. But you can only stay under for so long.


Surfacing. Open. Curiosity. Interest. Joy. Inspiration. yes.

These words are the theme I have chosen for the year ahead. Of course, these words are MY choice, which means, if I get a vote, this is what mine will be. We don’t always get to choose.

If I do get to choose, however, I will have a year that is mostly lighthearted, and filled with love. I will have a year filled with appreciation of all that I have already, and all of the new things that will come into my world. There will be road trips, and plane flights, friendship and laughter. I am open to the possibility of love (you guys don’t even know how embarrassing that was for me to write. Definitely need to do some work in that area!) if it is easy and it fits- and if it is not easy, then it has to be worthy of working for.

My choice will be a year of connection, and togetherness, and bonding. I feel like I did so much solitary work this past year- it was good, and it SO needed to happen. But I am ready to venture out into the light of the great big beautiful world, and learn how to play with others. I want to go hiking, and to the flea market, and on day trips and weekend trips, play board games, get dressed up for dinner, and sit around in living rooms that aren’t my own, maybe, laughing until my sides ache. That is the kind of year I see for myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong- I have all of the usual resolutions, and maybe I will write more about them tomorrow. But today, I needed to state my intentions for the year to the Universe.

Last year was amazing. This year will be the best one yet. Happy New Year’s Eve, everybody.