Posted in Addiction, Blogging, fun, Life, motherhood, Musings, People, recovery, writing

Allow me to Re-introduce Myself

This is my neighborhood.

Okay, I know I said I wasn’t going to start posting every day, and I still stand by that- this has got to be some kind of weird fluke or something. It’s just that I have been having SO MUCH fun here lately! I have been finding all kinds of new blogs to follow, and enjoying so many new posts. Also, I have gotten a ton of new followers and my stats have been robust and incredibly satisfying. You know what I love? I mean, I obviously love having lots of visitors- I’m human, after all. But I love it when I have, say 80 visitors and like 120 views…of course, 900 visitors and 1,050 views would also work, but you get the picture. That means that a few people liked my blog so much that they kept reading and reading and reading. So cool.

I thought it would be neat to just kind of give an updated overview of my life, as it is today, and what my corner of the world looks like. I would LOVE it if some of my blogging friends did the same. It is a bit like travelling without leaving home, getting to read about the homes of others. So if you feel so inclined, please share something about your life in the comments, or write a whole post about it. I would like that very much.

Me, obviously. Being photo bombed by Cam.

So, about me. I’m 43. Chronically and bewilderingly single. I have two children, one an adult of 21, one an adult of 8. Just kidding, but seriously, she’s more mature than I am some days. I adore my kids, but I struggle a lot with my relationship with my eldest. One thing you should know about me is that I am, after a life-long struggle with drug addiction, happily clean and sober. It’s only been about 3.7 years since I’ve been clean. My older daughter lived through some SHIT with me, you see. Parenting is hard under the best of circumstances. Learning to parent a nearly adult child this late in the game, with so much baggage, guilt (me) and anger (her)…it’s rough. I am doing my best. I write about that sometimes. I also write about recovery, how amazing it is to get to be my real self- or learn who that is, sometimes- and lots and lots of other things. I struggle with anxiety and other things, so that makes it in here, and so many other odds and ends. I hope you read something that keeps you hanging around.

Point Lobos, one of my favorite spots to stroll around

I live smack dab in the middle of the West Coast, in Monterey County- home of the famous aquarium and right next door to Big Sur. The cost of living here is outrageous, but it’s home, and I am blessed to call it that…for now. I don’t know how long I’ll be sticking around. I really want to buy a home, and that’s nearly an impossible dream around here. I’m also in LOVE with the East Coast, and will be going to Maine in June to scout it out. I love the idea of adventure and change, though I don’t do so well with either in reality. LOL.

A recent sunset. Ridiculously beautiful.

Monterey is gorgeous. Miles and miles of beaches- any kind you might want. Sandy, rocky, dramatic, calm. Beautiful sunrises and sunsets, fresh air, hiking spots and hidden coves, an endless dream of fog and sunlight. You cannot leave this place without longing to come back. I know, I’ve tried. I’m still holding out hope that I’ll find another place, just as spectacular, that costs a little teensy bit less. In the meantime, I’ll continue to enjoy my days here, sipping strong, strong coffee, and getting up way too early to work on my novel, post here, meditate and daydream.

That’s my life in a very, very limited scope. I hope to learn something new about all of you as well! Have a wonderful, speedy rest of the week. 🙂

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Posted in Blogging, family, fun, funny, humor, kids, Learning, Life, motherhood, Musings, parenting, People, women

*Real Quick

sleeping alone
This is not me, but totally how I feel about Cam sleeping in her own bed!

I promise I’m not going to start posting every single day, but just real quick, I want to share a couple of things:

1.) You GUYS!!! Camryn slept in her own bed last night, for the whole entire night! I tucked her in and climbed into my own (large, uncluttered, stretch-out-able) bed, thinking I’d better get some good rest while I could because she’d be crawling in at some point. Well, I was wrong! I got up this morning to find her fast asleep right where I’d left her. It was stunningly anticlimactic. I mean, we just went to sleep in separate rooms. But the truth is, this is a big deal. I will miss her, but boy do I like sleeping alone!

2.) I put a chair together yesterday. This also might not sound like a very big deal, but I assure you, it is. The last time I tried to put something together on my own, it was a bookshelf, and I think it was probably ten years ago? I worked so hard on that sonofabitch, and when it was done it looked like…either it was drunk, or it’d been put together by a very drunk person. Which I was not. I don’t think. Although, it was ten years ago, so I guess that’s a possibility. I am pretty sure I cried with frustration. This time, I also almost cried with frustration, and perhaps had one small moment of blind rage where I briefly had the urge to fling the whole f***ing mess against the wall, hopefully shattering something, but…I did not do that. I did learn that an Allen wrench can be used from both ends. I wish I’d figured that out a little sooner. It would have made those bolts going in a whole lot easier. But the important thing is, my new office chair is amazingly comfortable, my back will be happy, and I did it all by myself. I’m sitting in it right now. It’s my new best friend.

*I was going to post a picture of the chair here but I can’t seem to do that, so just imagine a really squishy, comfy, awesome office chair with tons of neck and back support, and one arm that leans out a little more than it probably should. Pretty, isn’t it?

3.) I have heard a lot of talk about “bullet journals” and I just want to ask…what the hell is a bullet journal? I’m afraid to look it up, because I always want everything, and it sounds a lot like a sneaky planner…is that what it is? Because I have sworn off expensive, complicated planners. In 2018 and 2017, I purchased incredibly expensive, elaborate planners, and both of them have NOTHING written in them past February. It’s not like you can just try again the next year with a planner…if you don’t use it, it’s just a totally useless book. I mean, I’m obviously going to look it up anyway, this bullet journal, so…look out, I’ll probably be on the bandwagon by tomorrow. Crap.

Everything else is going swimmingly around here! Hope the same for you!

Posted in adventure, Blogging, Goals, Holidays, Life, manifestation, Musings, People

Ready for What’s Next: Part 2

last day

Oh my gosh, you guys! It’s the last day of 2018 already! I don’t know why I thought, when I sat down here to write yesterday’s post, that there were still several days to go. I envisioned this being a four part post, but it looks like this is it- if I want to meet the end of the year deadline, anyway!

So, without further ado, and in a rather brain-stormy fashion, I am going to roll out my list of resolutions for 2019. I think what I will do is re-evaluate this list at the beginning of February, and fine tune it a bit. I am definitely not bargaining for perfection, and refuse to see any misses as “failures” because any time spent bettering yourself and your life is a win in my book. Also, for certain things, I thought it would be cool to have a big goal, and a second level “fail safe” goal, so like, for instance: I would love to hit my 10,000 steps per day goal every day this year, BUT- sometimes, when I work sitting down all day and my life is really busy, that is super hard to do. So what if I always shoot for 10K, but never let myself get less than 7K? I think that sounds so appealing, so that’s going to be one of the things. Alright, I guess there was some further ado, but it’s over now. Here goes:

Physically:

I’d just like to feel strong. I don’t want to beat myself up over my weight anymore. In the grand scheme of things, a little jiggle on a 43 year old woman with two kids, who sits on her ass for work all day is not all that shocking. I would LOVE to reach my goal weight- that can be the gold standard goal, fine. But I’m not going to shame myself or hate my body in the meantime. But the secondary goal will be to feel strong, healthy, and capable of lifting heavy things by myself.

Also, I pay a lot of money to my gym to be a member. If I go ten times per month, I get a 50% freaking discount. Here is my promise to you (and to me): If I don’t make it ten times per month in January, I am cancelling my membership. It’s wasteful and impractical if I don’t utilize it.

Furthermore, I will take my dog for a walk a minimum of five days per week, at least one of which is off-leash, at the beach. Preferably more often, but a minimum of 5. It’s easier when the days get longer, but I can do it.

Healthwise:

This is a big one, but I’ve really thought about it. I want to make this the year that I consume zero fast food. This shouldn’t be quite as daunting as it feels, but I am often super tired when I get off work, and I just don’t want to deal with dinner. Add hunger and a lack of groceries to the list, and The Habit Burger less than a mile away, and…well, you get the picture. I feel confident I can do this, though, and here is why: I just signed up to try Hello Fresh, which will be fun, and I plan on trying out a few different meal delivery services over the course of the next few months. Added bonus? Cam can cook with me, so it will benefit her as well. Also, I have exempted Chipotle and Panera from this rule, because they are both only kinda fast food.

Another big one: No cheating with cigarettes, and no more vaping. This has been the thorn in my damn side for YEARS now. I’m sick of it all. I’m not even putting a fail safe on this one, because it’s basically a do it or don’t do it thing. No middle ground.

And because mental health is as important, if not more so, than physical health, I will be making sure I meditate daily- even if it’s only five minutes. It’s just a beautiful part of my day, and I want to honor that.

Social Media: This one is so hard for me. I am not sure how to deal with it, because it’s a huge habit of mine. I know it can really cause my anxiety to ramp up, and that I need to reign it in a lot, but how, exactly? To what extent? I’m not really sure, but I’m going to think about it and try to come up with a solution. Stay tuned.

And finally, in no particular order, these:

I’ve decided to do a major, as-long-as-it-takes, clean up of my living space. All the nooks and crannies will be sorted out and wiped down to the very best of my ability. I will also dedicate 20 or so minutes per day to straightening up, and develop the habit of picking up throughout the day as I notice things out of place.

I will continue to make wise financial decisions, take care of my credit, and save a minimum secret amount of money per month, with a goal of a higher secret amount. I can’t tell you everything.

I will do one writing related thing every single day, no exception. Even if it’s just re-reading what I wrote the day before for five minutes. Every. Single. Day.

I will take two trips this year, minimum. One of them will be to Maine this summer, the other? I don’t know yet, but something.

And finally, most importantly of all, I will continue to count my blessings, even on the hard days. I will try very hard to manage my anxiety and depression (caused by ADHD, who knew?) the only way that I now know is available to me: without medication. We tried that this year, and it SUCKED. So, because my particular brain only works right when I am social, when I am excitedly looking forward to things, and when I add in new experiences, places, and faces…that’s what I am going to shoot for. The diet and exercise part I’ve already addressed.

My life is pretty great just the way it is, but having goals and trying to meet them is honestly a lot of fun for me. Even if it doesn’t work out…and, I mean, some of these might not- this is a lot of stuff! Even so, I enjoy the pursuit so much. What are your goals for the year ahead? I’d love to hear.

Posted in Blogging, family, friendship, Goals, Holidays, Life, manifestation, Musings, People, relationships, women

Ready for What’s Next: Part 1

connection

I don’t want to jinx myself, but it looks as if I will be ending 2018 on a high note- I’ve had a fabulous past few days, filled with fun interactions with old friends that I haven’t seen in years. Lots and lots of laughter- the kind you can only really have face to face, with people who truly get you. And there is nothing better to me than people who not only laugh at my funny stories, but can make me laugh just as hard with theirs. Humor is just the top thing for me. I also went on a date that 100% did not suck- just easy conversation, not awkward, really nice…we all know how awful a first date can be, don’t we? Enough to keep me from going on very many, that’s for sure. So whether we go out again or not, it’s just really good to know there is hope- well mannered, funny, gainfully employed, grown up men do exist. I’m just happy for the experience.

But what really stands out to me about all of those things is the common thread of connection, and how it affected me. As you may know, I work from home about 95% of the time- I only work in the office for about 16 hours per month. The rest of the time, I’m here, at this computer, alone. There are many days when the only other adults I see are the mailman, if he has a package for me, and my friend Harmony who picks Camryn up from school for me. This generally seemed okay to me- I didn’t realize the impact all my isolation was having on my mood, my motivation, and my life. Until now, that is. After spending some real-life time with people recently, it was hard to miss the elevation in my mood, and the subsequent rise in my motivation to do things even later, when I was alone. I’m still basically an introvert- I will always relish time alone to recharge and decompress. But too much time alone is just as bad for my spirit as too much of anything else, and I intend to be mindful of that.

In 2019, my mission in life will be to continue in this fashion, spending time with people who make me laugh, and who laugh with me. People who I can talk about anything with, and never feel weird or bad. I want my friends to know that I care very much about them, and I am going to make a real effort to be there for them when they are struggling or in pain, and to reach out when they need someone. In 2018, I thought I was ready to come out of my cocoon, but looking back, I can see that I still had some resting to do. I do not feel any kind of way about this- it’s over, basically, and I must have needed that time or it would have been different. But I feel in my heart that this coming year will be different as can be, and I look forward to a lot of joy and good memories to be made.

There are certainly other goals I have in mind, but I think I will leave it at this one for now- connecting with friends and family, and looking forward to how it will color my life. That is 2019 Goal Number One. Stay tuned for the next few goals for the New Year!

Posted in anxiety, Depression, health, inner peace, Life, meditation, Mental Health, mental illness, mindfulness, Musings, People, women

Light after Darkness

light through darkness

I want to share something with you: Although I would never, ever, ever wish a panic attack of any caliber on anyone, I am sitting here this morning grateful for the meltdown I had last week. I honestly think it needed to happen. Yes, it was scary, and over the top, and it kind of felt like I filled a few short hours with a years worth of fear, BUT…walking around with all those bottled up emotions, trying to be strong and good all the time- it’s exhausting.

I learned some important things, like: even though I might feel like I am alone in the world, there really are people that I can count on in a crisis. People who love me exactly as I am, even at my worst.

Thanks to my heightened anxiety and panic for those few days, when I came back down to earth and my normal worries started kicking back in, they paled in comparison to the shit-show I had just survived. So, I have been less worried about mundane, normal things than usual. This is nothing short of a miracle. Worry is a waste of time, period.

I figured out that I need to be ME. The full expression of myself, not watered down, not held back to be more palatable for someone else. I need to be comfortable in my own life, and if I am not committed to this, certainly no one else will make it so. This is MY life. I must care for it and tend to it and make it beautiful for me, which means being who I am and defending the boundaries I decide on. I must be an active participant. Funny side effect of this is that when you start to be true to yourself, you start to uphold those boundaries, not only do you respect yourself more, but other people respect you more as well. And then it becomes even easier to be happy, and be yourself. It all goes together.

From the heights of panic to the depths of despair, my mini-nervous breakdown left me with a lot of information to process. It also left me with a clean slate, in a place where there has been much peace and gratitude. I’ve returned to my daily meditation practice, I pause many times throughout the day to appreciate the calm, or the contentment, or the quiet within me. It’s been easier for me to be kind, to reach out to others. My picking up on the vibes of others is at an all time high.

I’m no fool- I know that life is not going to magically be wonderful forever now. Ups and downs are just part of the ride, and some of us have more of them than others. I know there will be other moments when I am crying in the bathtub, scared to death of my own mind. But there will also be other moments when I am so in love with life, and so grateful for that same exact mind…and that makes it all a lot more bearable. Knowing that, when it is very dark, the light is on its way. I will try to remember that.

Posted in Addiction, advice, faith, family, kids, Life, motherhood, Musings, parenting, People, recovery, women

Trust

I don’t know about you, but trust is a struggle for me. Not so much trusting other people, although lets be real- I don’t do that very well either. Being the control freak that I tend to be, I’ve put myself in a weird position where I don’t generally have to rely on or trust others too much- I just do everything myself.  Which then creates a whole different set of problems, because no one can do everything all the time, and when I am feeling down and weak and need someone to turn to…guess what? Little Miss Self-sufficient Pants has made that position in her life obsolete, so…now what? Well, I get sad and bummed out that I am in this all alone, even though I kinda set it up that way.

But what happens when you are a control freak, like I am, and also have trouble trusting yourself? I mean, lets take a minute to look at my track record, shall we? If I’m feeling down, I might choose to overlook the success and triumph, the massive changes I’ve made, and the hard work I’ve put in, and instead focus on the countless mistakes I’ve made, the cruel behavior, the trail of ruined relationships and bad choices. If I’m only seeing the bad stuff because my state of mind is poor, yeah, it’s really hard to trust myself. It’s not so easy to trust your gut when your instincts were once so chemically altered that they gave out on you.

And then there’s the whole “Trust the Universe” thing that I subscribe to so wholeheartedly…as long as, you know, we aren’t talking about my specific painful life issue, whatever it might be. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to take my hands off of everything and let things unfold as they undoubtedly will anyway…it’s just so damn hard! It’s such classic addict behavior, trying to manipulate outcomes in the way I want them to be- in the way I believe they should be- and boy, this shit is ingrained in me, deeply. It’s a LOT of work. It’s a LOT of useless worry, grief, and pain I put myself through, trying to make sure things go “right”. And you know what? It’s all for nothing, really. Because either way, things always unfold the way they are supposed to, whether it’s to my liking or not. My interference may prolong the inevitable, but is that really a win? If something painful or hard is trying to happen, is it better to keep it from happening for a little longer? Or does that make it worse?

Lets take my daughter for example- she is going through the messy, painful business of trying to grow up. I keep running interference for her, saving her from consequences that are her own, but that hurt me to see her go through. So…here we are, down the road a bit, and the same exact consequences are still coming up, despite my previous help. This time, I take my hands off, and allow life to happen for her the way it is trying to happen. My gut instinct kept pulling me back to reality every time I started to panic, started wanting to step in and fix things for her. For one thing, I needed to have boundaries in our relationship, for ME. But more than that, even, I needed her to see that in life, you must provide and think and advocate for yourself, or you find yourself in deep shit. So I listened to my gut, finally. I was prepared for the worst possible outcome. I let her know I loved her, always and forever, but it was time for her to sink or swim.

And guess what happened? Well, for one thing, she apologized to me. For another thing, she is implementing some big changes in her life- in her very own words, she said “I realized that the way I was going was not good, and that I really had no choice but to change or it was going to get worse.” Listen, I am not trying to take ANY of the credit for her breakthrough. All I did was finally get out of the way, and in less than a week, she figured it out on her own. I prolonged the inevitable, and made it far more painful, because I was trying to save all of us from the very pain I was prolonging. The Universe knows what it is doing. My instincts are telling me the truth.

So here is what I am taking away from all of this- let people live their lives. Don’t intervene more than you absolutely need to. Allow people to experience their consequences- that is where we ALL grow. When it comes to people we love- our children especially- seeing them in pain is hard. But if you want that pain to ever end, don’t get in it. I mean, obviously, use your discretion- I’m not going to let my 8 year old parachute off the house no matter how much she insists, but- you know what I mean. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and let people learn how to live. Trust your own wise instincts. Trust the Universe. Trust God, if that is what you do. See what happens when you finally let go.

Posted in friendship, Life, love, Musings, People, random

One Year, Three Months, Five Days

One year, three months, five days. That’s how long it’s been since you left this earthly plane, on to whatever comes next. Which means that one year, three months and six days ago, you were still doing whatever it was you were doing- talking, smiling, popping up here and there as you were wont to do. No idea that the minutes of your life were winding down, down, down. Oblivious. I think about this sometimes, and it scares me a little bit. It’s a hard truth to swallow, the way we live our lives so blissfully unaware that this might be it- this might be our last day, our last hour.

Anyway, God, I fucking miss you this morning. Grief is a strange thing, isn’t it? Weeks pass, and the pain recedes, and then I wake up one morning, like I did today, and it just hurts, oh so very much. It still seems impossible to me that you are gone.

There is no way for me to describe or quantify or make sense of what you meant to me, how my life was altered because of you, or how it changed when you died. But I know that my life WAS altered, and your death stole something real from me. Because of you, I learned that love can evolve in all sorts of different ways- when you stop trying to fit a relationship into a box, stop trying to label and categorize it, and just let it be what it is, something wonderful can happen. The connection between us spanned decades, and changed many times, ultimately mellowing and becoming something rich, that I cherished. Knowing you were out there, somewhere, knowing that you would be there if I needed you…it mattered so much to me.

Your surprise visits were often the highlight of my week. Just drinking coffee with you out on my front porch, or playing board games with Cam. Getting to hear you laugh and seeing you be silly and playful with my kids lifted my heart. I just enjoyed your company. It had become as simple and easy as that.

I was not blind to your faults. I knew you well enough to worry about what the future held for you, to worry about where your life would ultimately end up. We even discussed it a time or two, with me lamenting what would happen to you when you got old, joking about which girl would end up taking care of you. “Oh my God,” I groaned, “It’s going to be me, isn’t it?” And we laughed, because it seemed far away and preposterous. I suppose it wound up being a useless worry, didn’t it? But for the record, I would have gladly taken on the job. Not that you ever would have wanted to be in that position, of course, but I would have done it. In a heartbeat.

The point is, I guess, that I loved you. I love you still. I used to feel angry sometimes, resentful that I so completely loved someone who could never love me back in the same way. It wasn’t as if I had a choice- we love who we love, and that’s all. But now I’m grateful for all of it, I really am. Because of you, I know I am capable of loving someone unconditionally, exactly as they are, with no expectation and no need for them to do anything to earn it. I realized that long before you died. I know I made it clear to you. I’m so glad I did, and so glad we were friends.

I just really, really miss you today.