Posted in Addiction, Blogging, fun, Life, motherhood, Musings, People, recovery, writing

Allow me to Re-introduce Myself

This is my neighborhood.

Okay, I know I said I wasn’t going to start posting every day, and I still stand by that- this has got to be some kind of weird fluke or something. It’s just that I have been having SO MUCH fun here lately! I have been finding all kinds of new blogs to follow, and enjoying so many new posts. Also, I have gotten a ton of new followers and my stats have been robust and incredibly satisfying. You know what I love? I mean, I obviously love having lots of visitors- I’m human, after all. But I love it when I have, say 80 visitors and like 120 views…of course, 900 visitors and 1,050 views would also work, but you get the picture. That means that a few people liked my blog so much that they kept reading and reading and reading. So cool.

I thought it would be neat to just kind of give an updated overview of my life, as it is today, and what my corner of the world looks like. I would LOVE it if some of my blogging friends did the same. It is a bit like travelling without leaving home, getting to read about the homes of others. So if you feel so inclined, please share something about your life in the comments, or write a whole post about it. I would like that very much.

Me, obviously. Being photo bombed by Cam.

So, about me. I’m 43. Chronically and bewilderingly single. I have two children, one an adult of 21, one an adult of 8. Just kidding, but seriously, she’s more mature than I am some days. I adore my kids, but I struggle a lot with my relationship with my eldest. One thing you should know about me is that I am, after a life-long struggle with drug addiction, happily clean and sober. It’s only been about 3.7 years since I’ve been clean. My older daughter lived through some SHIT with me, you see. Parenting is hard under the best of circumstances. Learning to parent a nearly adult child this late in the game, with so much baggage, guilt (me) and anger (her)…it’s rough. I am doing my best. I write about that sometimes. I also write about recovery, how amazing it is to get to be my real self- or learn who that is, sometimes- and lots and lots of other things. I struggle with anxiety and other things, so that makes it in here, and so many other odds and ends. I hope you read something that keeps you hanging around.

Point Lobos, one of my favorite spots to stroll around

I live smack dab in the middle of the West Coast, in Monterey County- home of the famous aquarium and right next door to Big Sur. The cost of living here is outrageous, but it’s home, and I am blessed to call it that…for now. I don’t know how long I’ll be sticking around. I really want to buy a home, and that’s nearly an impossible dream around here. I’m also in LOVE with the East Coast, and will be going to Maine in June to scout it out. I love the idea of adventure and change, though I don’t do so well with either in reality. LOL.

A recent sunset. Ridiculously beautiful.

Monterey is gorgeous. Miles and miles of beaches- any kind you might want. Sandy, rocky, dramatic, calm. Beautiful sunrises and sunsets, fresh air, hiking spots and hidden coves, an endless dream of fog and sunlight. You cannot leave this place without longing to come back. I know, I’ve tried. I’m still holding out hope that I’ll find another place, just as spectacular, that costs a little teensy bit less. In the meantime, I’ll continue to enjoy my days here, sipping strong, strong coffee, and getting up way too early to work on my novel, post here, meditate and daydream.

That’s my life in a very, very limited scope. I hope to learn something new about all of you as well! Have a wonderful, speedy rest of the week. 🙂

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Posted in Blogging, family, fun, funny, humor, kids, Learning, Life, motherhood, Musings, parenting, People, women

*Real Quick

sleeping alone
This is not me, but totally how I feel about Cam sleeping in her own bed!

I promise I’m not going to start posting every single day, but just real quick, I want to share a couple of things:

1.) You GUYS!!! Camryn slept in her own bed last night, for the whole entire night! I tucked her in and climbed into my own (large, uncluttered, stretch-out-able) bed, thinking I’d better get some good rest while I could because she’d be crawling in at some point. Well, I was wrong! I got up this morning to find her fast asleep right where I’d left her. It was stunningly anticlimactic. I mean, we just went to sleep in separate rooms. But the truth is, this is a big deal. I will miss her, but boy do I like sleeping alone!

2.) I put a chair together yesterday. This also might not sound like a very big deal, but I assure you, it is. The last time I tried to put something together on my own, it was a bookshelf, and I think it was probably ten years ago? I worked so hard on that sonofabitch, and when it was done it looked like…either it was drunk, or it’d been put together by a very drunk person. Which I was not. I don’t think. Although, it was ten years ago, so I guess that’s a possibility. I am pretty sure I cried with frustration. This time, I also almost cried with frustration, and perhaps had one small moment of blind rage where I briefly had the urge to fling the whole f***ing mess against the wall, hopefully shattering something, but…I did not do that. I did learn that an Allen wrench can be used from both ends. I wish I’d figured that out a little sooner. It would have made those bolts going in a whole lot easier. But the important thing is, my new office chair is amazingly comfortable, my back will be happy, and I did it all by myself. I’m sitting in it right now. It’s my new best friend.

*I was going to post a picture of the chair here but I can’t seem to do that, so just imagine a really squishy, comfy, awesome office chair with tons of neck and back support, and one arm that leans out a little more than it probably should. Pretty, isn’t it?

3.) I have heard a lot of talk about “bullet journals” and I just want to ask…what the hell is a bullet journal? I’m afraid to look it up, because I always want everything, and it sounds a lot like a sneaky planner…is that what it is? Because I have sworn off expensive, complicated planners. In 2018 and 2017, I purchased incredibly expensive, elaborate planners, and both of them have NOTHING written in them past February. It’s not like you can just try again the next year with a planner…if you don’t use it, it’s just a totally useless book. I mean, I’m obviously going to look it up anyway, this bullet journal, so…look out, I’ll probably be on the bandwagon by tomorrow. Crap.

Everything else is going swimmingly around here! Hope the same for you!

Posted in Addiction, anxiety, faith, Goals, Holidays, inner peace, Life, manifestation, Mental Health, mindfulness, People, recovery

With a Grateful Heart

a grateful heart
courtesy of Pinterest and littleleaves.com

I woke up way too early, as usual…but I am not going to get all worked up over it. This is just who I am, and I have accepted it. I’m an early riser who has become a super early riser over the past few months. I think partially it developed as a way to save a few precious hours of peace for myself, while my older daughter and her boyfriend were staying here. This time is so important to me. I’d do just about anything to preserve it, including waking up in what is basically the middle of the night.

I did, however, get to usher in the New Year last night! I set an alarm for 11:55, and Cam and I got up long enough to do the count down, scream “Happy New Year!” once, hug each other, then scramble back to the warmth of the bed. Last night was her last official night sleeping with me. We are both more than ready to go our separate sleeping ways, but with the extra people here the past few months, we didn’t really have a choice. So tonight, I can sleep diagonally, the way I do when she is at her dad’s house. She’s a tall child, and such a bed hog, and I feel guilty for saying this, but I sleep SO much better when she is staying overnight with her father. So, bittersweet though it may be, we are both excited about this milestone. Obviously, she’s way too old to still be sleeping with her mother, and she used to sleep on her own at our old house…not sure what happened. I don’t regret it, though. They are only little for such a short time.

Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling such gratitude for my life. I have such a good feeling about the year ahead. I was thinking about the horrible panic attack and subsequent anxiety I suffered through less than two weeks ago, and I wonder if it was just a giant purge of built up negative energy- shit I needed to get rid of? Because since it faded away, I have been steadily more centered, happy, and anxiety free. Seems like more than coincidence to me- to get to begin a new year wiped clean of the dark feelings that had been plaguing me? Well, whatever it is, I’ll take it. Gladly.

You know…my house is still a mess. I meant to take down my tree last night, and never got around to it. There are dishes in the sink, and…well, it’s pretty much like it always is around here. But for once, none of it is bothering me. Because I have a plan, and I intend to stick to it. Little by little, this house will transform, and be the way I want it to be. By the time I go to bed tonight, those dishes will be gone, the counters wiped clean, the tree gone, ornaments put away. It still won’t be perfect- I doubt it will ever be perfect. But eventually, it will be the way I want it to be. I feel quite sure of that.

The thing is, I have started this year with peace in my heart. I don’t know that I’ve often felt peace like this. It feels solid to me, as if it is not dependent on outside circumstances, but more like it stems from within me. It’s the kind of peace that comes when you have finally started to trust yourself, to know that most likely, you are going to be okay. I’ve survived a lot- I’ve survived MYSELF, which was no simple feat. This is my fourth consecutive New Years clean, and I’ve grown stronger every year. And I am so grateful for that- for the peace, and for surviving myself, and surviving the dark parts of my own mind. I’m so grateful for making it out of that last, awful, dark place, and for the wonderful new spot it wound up leaving me.

I’m starting this shiny, fresh new year with a grateful heart. And I don’t think there is a better place to begin than that.

May your year be blessed, happy, full of hope and laughter. Happy New Year!

Posted in adventure, Blogging, Goals, Holidays, Life, manifestation, Musings, People

Ready for What’s Next: Part 2

last day

Oh my gosh, you guys! It’s the last day of 2018 already! I don’t know why I thought, when I sat down here to write yesterday’s post, that there were still several days to go. I envisioned this being a four part post, but it looks like this is it- if I want to meet the end of the year deadline, anyway!

So, without further ado, and in a rather brain-stormy fashion, I am going to roll out my list of resolutions for 2019. I think what I will do is re-evaluate this list at the beginning of February, and fine tune it a bit. I am definitely not bargaining for perfection, and refuse to see any misses as “failures” because any time spent bettering yourself and your life is a win in my book. Also, for certain things, I thought it would be cool to have a big goal, and a second level “fail safe” goal, so like, for instance: I would love to hit my 10,000 steps per day goal every day this year, BUT- sometimes, when I work sitting down all day and my life is really busy, that is super hard to do. So what if I always shoot for 10K, but never let myself get less than 7K? I think that sounds so appealing, so that’s going to be one of the things. Alright, I guess there was some further ado, but it’s over now. Here goes:

Physically:

I’d just like to feel strong. I don’t want to beat myself up over my weight anymore. In the grand scheme of things, a little jiggle on a 43 year old woman with two kids, who sits on her ass for work all day is not all that shocking. I would LOVE to reach my goal weight- that can be the gold standard goal, fine. But I’m not going to shame myself or hate my body in the meantime. But the secondary goal will be to feel strong, healthy, and capable of lifting heavy things by myself.

Also, I pay a lot of money to my gym to be a member. If I go ten times per month, I get a 50% freaking discount. Here is my promise to you (and to me): If I don’t make it ten times per month in January, I am cancelling my membership. It’s wasteful and impractical if I don’t utilize it.

Furthermore, I will take my dog for a walk a minimum of five days per week, at least one of which is off-leash, at the beach. Preferably more often, but a minimum of 5. It’s easier when the days get longer, but I can do it.

Healthwise:

This is a big one, but I’ve really thought about it. I want to make this the year that I consume zero fast food. This shouldn’t be quite as daunting as it feels, but I am often super tired when I get off work, and I just don’t want to deal with dinner. Add hunger and a lack of groceries to the list, and The Habit Burger less than a mile away, and…well, you get the picture. I feel confident I can do this, though, and here is why: I just signed up to try Hello Fresh, which will be fun, and I plan on trying out a few different meal delivery services over the course of the next few months. Added bonus? Cam can cook with me, so it will benefit her as well. Also, I have exempted Chipotle and Panera from this rule, because they are both only kinda fast food.

Another big one: No cheating with cigarettes, and no more vaping. This has been the thorn in my damn side for YEARS now. I’m sick of it all. I’m not even putting a fail safe on this one, because it’s basically a do it or don’t do it thing. No middle ground.

And because mental health is as important, if not more so, than physical health, I will be making sure I meditate daily- even if it’s only five minutes. It’s just a beautiful part of my day, and I want to honor that.

Social Media: This one is so hard for me. I am not sure how to deal with it, because it’s a huge habit of mine. I know it can really cause my anxiety to ramp up, and that I need to reign it in a lot, but how, exactly? To what extent? I’m not really sure, but I’m going to think about it and try to come up with a solution. Stay tuned.

And finally, in no particular order, these:

I’ve decided to do a major, as-long-as-it-takes, clean up of my living space. All the nooks and crannies will be sorted out and wiped down to the very best of my ability. I will also dedicate 20 or so minutes per day to straightening up, and develop the habit of picking up throughout the day as I notice things out of place.

I will continue to make wise financial decisions, take care of my credit, and save a minimum secret amount of money per month, with a goal of a higher secret amount. I can’t tell you everything.

I will do one writing related thing every single day, no exception. Even if it’s just re-reading what I wrote the day before for five minutes. Every. Single. Day.

I will take two trips this year, minimum. One of them will be to Maine this summer, the other? I don’t know yet, but something.

And finally, most importantly of all, I will continue to count my blessings, even on the hard days. I will try very hard to manage my anxiety and depression (caused by ADHD, who knew?) the only way that I now know is available to me: without medication. We tried that this year, and it SUCKED. So, because my particular brain only works right when I am social, when I am excitedly looking forward to things, and when I add in new experiences, places, and faces…that’s what I am going to shoot for. The diet and exercise part I’ve already addressed.

My life is pretty great just the way it is, but having goals and trying to meet them is honestly a lot of fun for me. Even if it doesn’t work out…and, I mean, some of these might not- this is a lot of stuff! Even so, I enjoy the pursuit so much. What are your goals for the year ahead? I’d love to hear.

Posted in Blogging, family, friendship, Goals, Holidays, Life, manifestation, Musings, People, relationships, women

Ready for What’s Next: Part 1

connection

I don’t want to jinx myself, but it looks as if I will be ending 2018 on a high note- I’ve had a fabulous past few days, filled with fun interactions with old friends that I haven’t seen in years. Lots and lots of laughter- the kind you can only really have face to face, with people who truly get you. And there is nothing better to me than people who not only laugh at my funny stories, but can make me laugh just as hard with theirs. Humor is just the top thing for me. I also went on a date that 100% did not suck- just easy conversation, not awkward, really nice…we all know how awful a first date can be, don’t we? Enough to keep me from going on very many, that’s for sure. So whether we go out again or not, it’s just really good to know there is hope- well mannered, funny, gainfully employed, grown up men do exist. I’m just happy for the experience.

But what really stands out to me about all of those things is the common thread of connection, and how it affected me. As you may know, I work from home about 95% of the time- I only work in the office for about 16 hours per month. The rest of the time, I’m here, at this computer, alone. There are many days when the only other adults I see are the mailman, if he has a package for me, and my friend Harmony who picks Camryn up from school for me. This generally seemed okay to me- I didn’t realize the impact all my isolation was having on my mood, my motivation, and my life. Until now, that is. After spending some real-life time with people recently, it was hard to miss the elevation in my mood, and the subsequent rise in my motivation to do things even later, when I was alone. I’m still basically an introvert- I will always relish time alone to recharge and decompress. But too much time alone is just as bad for my spirit as too much of anything else, and I intend to be mindful of that.

In 2019, my mission in life will be to continue in this fashion, spending time with people who make me laugh, and who laugh with me. People who I can talk about anything with, and never feel weird or bad. I want my friends to know that I care very much about them, and I am going to make a real effort to be there for them when they are struggling or in pain, and to reach out when they need someone. In 2018, I thought I was ready to come out of my cocoon, but looking back, I can see that I still had some resting to do. I do not feel any kind of way about this- it’s over, basically, and I must have needed that time or it would have been different. But I feel in my heart that this coming year will be different as can be, and I look forward to a lot of joy and good memories to be made.

There are certainly other goals I have in mind, but I think I will leave it at this one for now- connecting with friends and family, and looking forward to how it will color my life. That is 2019 Goal Number One. Stay tuned for the next few goals for the New Year!

Posted in anxiety, Depression, health, inner peace, Life, meditation, Mental Health, mental illness, mindfulness, Musings, People, women

Light after Darkness

light through darkness

I want to share something with you: Although I would never, ever, ever wish a panic attack of any caliber on anyone, I am sitting here this morning grateful for the meltdown I had last week. I honestly think it needed to happen. Yes, it was scary, and over the top, and it kind of felt like I filled a few short hours with a years worth of fear, BUT…walking around with all those bottled up emotions, trying to be strong and good all the time- it’s exhausting.

I learned some important things, like: even though I might feel like I am alone in the world, there really are people that I can count on in a crisis. People who love me exactly as I am, even at my worst.

Thanks to my heightened anxiety and panic for those few days, when I came back down to earth and my normal worries started kicking back in, they paled in comparison to the shit-show I had just survived. So, I have been less worried about mundane, normal things than usual. This is nothing short of a miracle. Worry is a waste of time, period.

I figured out that I need to be ME. The full expression of myself, not watered down, not held back to be more palatable for someone else. I need to be comfortable in my own life, and if I am not committed to this, certainly no one else will make it so. This is MY life. I must care for it and tend to it and make it beautiful for me, which means being who I am and defending the boundaries I decide on. I must be an active participant. Funny side effect of this is that when you start to be true to yourself, you start to uphold those boundaries, not only do you respect yourself more, but other people respect you more as well. And then it becomes even easier to be happy, and be yourself. It all goes together.

From the heights of panic to the depths of despair, my mini-nervous breakdown left me with a lot of information to process. It also left me with a clean slate, in a place where there has been much peace and gratitude. I’ve returned to my daily meditation practice, I pause many times throughout the day to appreciate the calm, or the contentment, or the quiet within me. It’s been easier for me to be kind, to reach out to others. My picking up on the vibes of others is at an all time high.

I’m no fool- I know that life is not going to magically be wonderful forever now. Ups and downs are just part of the ride, and some of us have more of them than others. I know there will be other moments when I am crying in the bathtub, scared to death of my own mind. But there will also be other moments when I am so in love with life, and so grateful for that same exact mind…and that makes it all a lot more bearable. Knowing that, when it is very dark, the light is on its way. I will try to remember that.

Posted in anxiety, family, Holidays, inner peace, kids, Life, Mental Health, motherhood, parenting, People, relationships

Another Great Christmas

a happy christmas

I woke up this morning (well, this middle of the damn night, really) in my fancy new pajamas, courtesy of my mama, looking about as smart as a half-asleep bed headed woman can look, and I have to tell you- I feel nothing right now except for gratitude for the day I had yesterday. My house, which I scrubbed from top to bottom on Monday, is in utter shambles all around me. There is a mountain of empty boxes behind me against the book shelf, there are tiny little plastic toy packaging pieces- or maybe they are toy parts? I don’t know, but…anyway, flotsam and jetsam liberally litters the floor and surfaces. My kitchen sink is piled high with dishes- you get the picture. It’s a mess. And I’m not even mad- about the mess, or about the fact that I fell asleep at 6:30 in the evening last night, leaving all of this for today me to deal with. You want to know why? Good, I’ll tell you.

Reason Number One: My last two posts involved me having a sort of mini nervous breakdown last week, and though I might have tried to make light of it (perhaps failing to do so) I was REALLY scared about the future implications of what that massive panic attack might mean. I didn’t know if it was just a one-off, or a terrible harbinger of mental problems to come. So the fact that my fear and panic and anxiety seems to have resolved itself and then some was enough to put me over the moon by Christmas day. Not only has the fear, anxiety, and panic receded, but I seem to have come out of it with a much better attitude and my feet more firmly planted on the ground. That intense fear I felt appears to have made my day-to-day fears seem so silly in comparison that I just don’t have time for that shit. I’m gonna live my life. This is very exciting.

Reason Number Two: Christmas stopped being about what I was getting a long time ago. This year it wasn’t even about what I gave to others, either- at least, not quite as much. Don’t get me wrong, I have found a lot of joy in gift giving as I’ve grown up, but now it’s more the feeling of being the mom of this family, being the home that my loved ones show up at to celebrate. Suddenly, I am the “mom”, the home, the destination. For the first time ever, I took so much pride in that. My tree was perfect this year, my home was clean and welcoming, I did it right.

Reason Number Three: Another first for me- I didn’t have a single second of worry about money this year. It’s not that I am rolling in it or anything, but I’m finally in a place where I am financially stable and did not have to stress about every penny. What a blessing this is! I have spent every Christmas of my adult life until now freaking out around Christmas time, worried that I wasn’t going to pull it off. This year was different, and for that I am beyond relieved. I didn’t go crazy by any means- why ask for trouble? But it was nice to not have to sweat it. I have worked and worked and worked to get to this spot, and it’s finally paid off.

Reason Number Four: I didn’t ruin everyone’s day with my own expectations, subsequent disappointment, and then unavoidable meltdown. Seriously, this has been a thing I’ve been known to do. Past years, I have imagined idyllic scenes of love and appreciation, respectful gift openings, and dinner at a perfectly set table…and when that all went to shit, as it will, I freaked out. This year, I just wanted to be happy. I let everyone do their thing. And I was there for it. I just kept being there for it, whatever “it” was. And guess what? I was far happier as a result. When Camryn started ripping into her gifts faster than I could register them, I let it happen. When Aisley didn’t want to sit down at the table with us for dinner, I let that go. When Devon fell asleep- in his car, then on the couch, then on my bed- I didn’t need to get upset. Why did I ever need to? Why let it bother me? I honestly tried to go with the flow this year, and it made everything so much better!

Reason Number Five: Devon and I decided to spend our holiday’s together with our daughter, rather than trying to figure out who gets her when and then one of us having to miss our girl on Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter. Gosh, that seems so sad, and I couldn’t really enjoy my day knowing he was somewhere feeling down and lonely. I’d like to think he feels the same. So, we co-parented like freaking champs yesterday. We cooked a beautiful meal together, we spent a peaceful day in each other’s company, and it was such a massive win for Camryn, whether she ever knows it or not. No fighting (except a brief spat about politics), no animosity, just her mom and dad hanging out with her on Christmas. That was the best thing we could’ve done for her, and I’m so proud of that.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. I am not a religious person, but I do love God, and I am deeply connected to my spiritual side. So I said many prayers of thanks yesterday, and shed a few tears of gratitude, and a few of sadness, for the family and friends I’ve lost the past few years. I went to bed healthy, grateful for my family, my tummy and my heart both full. What more can you really ask for from a day, especially Christmas? Not much. Not much more than that at all.