Tag Archives: beliefs

An Uncomfortable Post- I Need Your Advice.


*Although this post does mention I am not a Trump supporter, it is not really about that. Please hang in there. I am super nervous about posting this, but I really need some perspective.

I feel like I need to preface what I am about to say with this- I am about as Liberal as they come. I was one of those that were devastated and flabbergasted by Trump’s election. I don’t even really know what else to say about it, other than I’ve sort of accepted the reality of what is happening, and, finding no other real viable solution, I’ve taken a massive step back from all things politics. I know this is rather cowardly of me, but what the fuck am I supposed to do, when I truly believe nothing I do can have any significant impact at this point? I stay away from the news. I don’t keep up. Every time something filters through to me, it’s awful and goes against what I believe to be the right way, and it’s like a punch in the gut. So I retreat. For now, until I can cast my next vote. So, there you have it.

I understand that I exist in a world where I am going to come into contact with many people, every day, who believe in different things than I do. That is fine. This is America, we still have the freedom of choice. I don’t walk around waving a banner with my political leanings, ethical and moral code, and specific belief system. It’s kind of like the old “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” thing from the military, except not about sexual preference. It’s about not getting into something intense and upsetting in an inappropriate setting. Unfortunately, sometimes this shit comes to you, and no matter how hard you try to sidestep that shit, it keeps coming.

Oh, you guys…listen. I can handle lots of stuff, I really can. But this has got me SO upset. I recently became reacquainted with a guy I knew somewhat, years ago, because our kids are in the same class. There is absolutely NO reason why I should have to know anything about his political belief system, except for he is one of those who REALLY wants to bring me over to the other side. You have to believe me when I say THAT WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER HAPPEN. And I just don’t think this is something I should have to be subjected to in the few minutes after school, while just waiting for the fucking bell to RING, already. But whatever. I can just deflect, ignore, or even say “Yeah, I don’t support the (insert whatever insane thing it might be), and there isn’t enough time to get into it.

Then, one day, I innocently asked this person how work was going- I thought this was a safe topic, right? I still want to be friendly, I just don’t want to talk about making America great again. And that’s when the first incident happened. He rolled his eyes and said “Pssh, those fucking Mexican’s on that job…I ought to call ICE on them.” And I felt my soul shrivel up inside my body. It was one of those awful moments where I was so shocked by what he had just said, and my eyes darted around to see if any of the other parents milling about had heard him, and I just wanted to stand up and say “I am not that kind of white person! Eject, Eject!” But I didn’t know what to do, so I just said “That is awful!” And then he said, he said!!! “I know, tell me about it!” But I had meant that what he said was awful, not that I was agreeing with him! Oh my God!  But the bell rang, and I high tailed it right the fuck out of there.

Another day, he reported gleefully that ICE was doing raids all over California, deporting illegal immigrants. I just said “Yeah, I don’t support that.” My standard refrain, to which he replied “Why? What about all of us who worked so hard to be here legally?” And I thought ‘who the fuck is he talking about? Did he immigrate here? Am I missing something?’ But again, bell rang, I ran. I mean, this is no way to live, but I guess I was just too chicken shit to stand my ground. Not only was I starting to dread these interactions, but I was growing to loathe myself for being so unable to speak my own truth back at him.

Then, yesterday, something really awful happened. He very kindly, and without me asking him to do this, brought my daughter’s backpack by my house that she’d forgotten at school. His daughter had come here for a birthday party, which is why they knew where I lived. I went outside to say thanks, and out of nowhere, he brought up another little girl in the class who was good friends with his daughter, and how she was Muslim, and he started GOING OFF about Muslim’s and how their “bible” encourages raping white women (I am not making any of this up) and about genital mutilation and on and on…and his daughter was sitting RIGHT THERE. Listening to every word that came out of his mouth. When I looked at her, she looked mortified. I put my hands over her ears and I said, as gently as possible, “Do you really think you should be talking like this in front of her?” He would not be dissuaded. He kept going off. It segued into this whole thing about Trump, and I tried, I really did, to diffuse the situation, but he was kinda freaking out, and I was super caught off guard, and it just wasn’t good.

Listen…I don’t care who you voted for, that’s fine, whatever. But this went into a whole different realm of racism and hatred and ugliness. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, and every time I tried to say anything, he yelled over me, and finally I just said “Dude, you need to calm down- you’re going to give yourself a heart attack.” I came inside and tried to calm down, and like five minutes later, he called and asked if Cam could come play with his daughter and I SAID YES. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m telling you guys, the need to be liked is STRONG with me. It’s a real fucking problem. I actually left my kid there for like 30 minutes before I came to my senses and made up some story about forgetting about some prior thing and that I needed to pick her up. That was a super bad call on my part, and I’m just going to own it.

He asked if they could have a play date today. I said maybe. I talked with Cam’s dad last night and explained what had happened, and he (who by the way does not share my political beliefs at all) said absolutely not. He couldn’t believe I let her go over there in the first place. I’m sorry this is so long, but I am almost done. I woke up this morning, and spent a lot of time researching the Muslim faith, just to educate myself in case this came up again- I already knew that what he was talking about was Muslim extremism, and not your everyday, average Muslim, but I wanted to confirm what I thought. I know that the odds are, even if I do have to be subjected to another meltdown like that, I won’t be able to state my point, or I will be so rattled that I won’t be able to formulate an intelligent sentence. So, I did what I do best- I sat down and wrote him a message outlining how he had every right to think however he wanted, but that I thought it was fucked up to say things like that in front of his kid, and I worried about her repeating those things to her Muslim friend at school. And furthermore, I was worried about what he might say in front of my child, if he had no problem speaking that way in front of his own. I said it as nicely as possible, but you and I both know it’s not going to go over well.

My question to any of you who have made it this far is this- do I send the message? Will it even do any good at all, or will it just make life weird for my kid at school, and me every time I see this person? If I don’t speak up, isn’t that being dishonest? Part of me wants to scream back just as vehemently that everything he stands for makes my skin crawl, and part of me fears that will just add fuel to the fire. I don’t know what to do, or how to handle this.  I do know I have handled it incredibly poorly so far. I am seriously in knots over this. Can I also just add, I realize that not all Trump supporters are like this, this is an extreme situation that goes way beyond that. I do not mean to be divisive, I am just truly upset and looking for guidance here.

Thanks. Sorry again that this is so long.


Weird Dreams With a Moral…have you had them?


I don’t often go into all my weird New-Age-y, kind of off beat, belief system, and I don’t know that I will go too far into it right now. Let’s just say I believe in lots of things that do not show up in the bible, and leave it at that. However, I am going to talk about dreams here. That is one thing that we can all agree we have in common, right? We all dream about stuff. Even people who claim they don’t usually dream (of course they do, they just don’t remember them) do occasionally have dreams they remember.

Lots of times, I have dreams that are, by anyone’s definition, a little…weird. Like, I generally have at least one or two very spiritual dreams about people who are close to me and die, right after they die. After my grandfather, whom I cherished, died, I dreamed that rather than him, my grandma had died first, and he was sitting at his kitchen table, lost, broken, and alone. I knew this was a message for me, from- him? God, maybe? My subconscious? It was a message from somewhere that things had to be the way they were. That, even though my papa had seemed like the strong one in life, living without my grandmother would have broken him. That things always happen as they are supposed to. That would have been odd enough, in and of itself. But years and years later, I was talking to my mom, and found out that she had had nearly the same exact dream after his death. Now, either one of us is lying (MOM), or there is something bigger at work here. I’ll let you decide which explanation works best for you, but I know what  I believe. We are not alone. There is more, WAY more, happening that we can’t see, and this is a comfort to me that I can get nowhere else. My “weird” dreams inspire my faith in a way that going to church just never could.

I dreamed about my paternal grandmother two nights in a row, in the days directly after her death. We had not been speaking when she died. In the first dream, she was very confused, and wasn’t sure where she was, or how she’d gotten there. She was with a friend of hers that used to live across the street from her in Fresno, Sally, and I honestly don’t know if she is actually alive still or not. In my dream, she was not. She was the guardian for my grandmother, helping her adjust a little before she went to heaven. It was another weird dream, where I could see the walls of Heaven from a back window of these “holding areas” that looked a lot like San Francisco row houses. Also, the houses grew from the roots of a giant tree, and the actual tree WAS Heaven, so…whatever that means. The next night, I dreamed I was at a train station with my grandmother, and she was getting ready to leave. But before she did, she wanted to tell me a thing or two. One of the things was that she understood why I had been so angry with her, and that she was sorry. Another was, that we were just alike. “Don’t be like me,” She told me, hugging me tightly. “You are surrounded by SO MUCH love. Don’t WASTE it.” That dream will stay with me forever.

Last night, I had another weird ass dream. I dreamed I was hanging out with my cousin Carie, and, though I don’t remember the details exactly, somehow or another, she died. It fell on me to have to tell her husband. There was much more to the dream than that, but I woke up with the meaning of the dream echoing in my head- you have all these people who just want to be part of your life, who just want to love you. Do not take that for granted. One of these days you might wish like hell you had been different.

Do you ever have dreams with a loud and clear moral? I mean, I can’t be alone in this, right? I am never alone in any of the other strange shit that goes on in my life. Oh, and by the way- these are just a very, very small sample of the meaningful but strange dreams I have had. I dreamed of my friend Sara the day after she died, and she told me she loved me, as we walked arm in arm through a beautiful forest. We walked to the edge of a lake, where her wife, Krissy, was swimming sadly way out in the middle and she said “Isn’t she beautiful?”, and everything about that dream reminded me of Sara at her best- calm, serene, and she was so peaceful.  I dreamed of my friend Jake, only months after he died, and he told me he was so happy where he was, and that this was exactly how everything had to be, and he was okay with it. He radiated joy. Everything I ever loved about him shone out of him, and none of the things I had disliked were there.

So, what do you think about all that? And, as a side note, I just got off the phone with the very cousin I dreamed about last night, and guess what? She just got out of the hospital, having had a septic blood infection from her sinuses. Coincidence? I think not!