Posted in anxiety, Depression, health, inner peace, Learning, Life, Mental Health, Musings

CBD’s So Far, and also, my house may be a vortex of evil.

cbd

Okay, so here we go. In my last post, I told you how I was sick to death of struggling with my moods, and that I was going to see my therapist that day but that I was also going to try CBD, since everyone and their mother was talking about how great they are. Well, I did all of those things- I went to my therapist, I cried a lot, I told the truth, and she was eager to hook me up with someone to talk about medication (as if there were ever any doubt that she would be anything less- she’s been encouraging this for as long as I’ve been seeing her. Not in a bad way, though, she never pressured me. Just for the record).

After I left her office, I drove straight to the dispensary- one of quite a few in my neck of the woods- and I found myself feeling a little self-conscious about walking in. It was just really weird, me being in recovery and all, to be strolling into a store filled with weed. I felt I was skulking more than strolling in, to be honest. Anyway, I felt a lot more comfortable after I was safely inside. I actually didn’t see any weed, but of course, I wasn’t looking for it. I did, however, smell it. That didn’t bother me at all- I love the smell of pot, I just hate how it makes me feel. It was set up like a fancy boutique, and the employees were all young and in uniform, with little Ipads and shit. It was like Verizon, only edgier. And you leave feeling happier instead of wondering what the fuck just happened…or at least, I did.

I explained to the girl who was assigned to me what I was looking for, and that I absolutely wanted NO THC AT ALL. I was very clear about this- perhaps alarmingly so. Anyway, she directed me to a tin of gummies, which was the only thing they had with 0 THC, so, because I didn’t want to have to go anywhere else, I just went ahead and bought them. As she rang me up, she reassured me that I would not get high from these, even if I ate them all at one time. I was very nervous.

I was so nervous that, when I got home, I only ate half of one. I wanted to make sure nothing happened. Nothing happened. So, right before bed, I ate one whole one and went to sleep. I can’t be sure that nothing happened since I was sleeping, but I’m pretty sure nothing happened then, either. One thing I can tell you for sure is that those little bastards taste incredible! I got pineapple-coconut gummies, and they were so delicious, it was hard not to just eat them by the handful. But they were very expensive, so that made it easier.

Anyway, Saturday I drove over to see my mom, which was about 3 or so hours away. When I got there, we were outside with my daughter and nephew, watching them play, and I decided to try a whole one during the day to see how it was…I didn’t have to be anywhere, and so, I ate one and my mom ate one, and I forgot all about it. About an hour later, I realized that I just felt…relaxed. I didn’t feel weird in any way, or…it’s hard to explain. There was no extra feeling of anything, it was more of an absence of negative feelings, if that makes sense. I just felt normal. I then got really excited, and ran to the bathroom door (my mom was in there getting ready) and started yelling through the door asking her how she felt. She confirmed that she felt the exact same way- just really normal, not anxious or stressed at all. Just fine.

So, I have been eating one here and there ever since. There is no noticeable added effect, like I said, it is more just the absence of negative feelings. I don’t feel as anxious (or anxious at all, really) and I don’t feel depressed, I just feel regular. Which is kind of a big deal, but…I am also a really gullible little person. A placebo would TOTALLY work on me, I’m pretty sure. So, is this real? Or am I imagining it? I’ve come to the conclusion that it really doesn’t matter, does it? If I think it’s working, then it kind of is working, whether it’s technically doing something or not. And if it doesn’t hurt anyone, and it doesn’t have any adverse effects, what’s the harm?

That being said, after spending a lovely day with my mom, nephew and daughter, spending the night, meeting up with more family for breakfast and then driving home…I realized that the minute I got home, I started feeling like shit again. My body started aching, I felt tired and unmotivated. I found myself sitting here, unable to get anything I needed to do done. I ALWAYS feel like this when I am in this house. I wondered, not for the first time, if this house is just filled to the brim with negative energy. Like, do I need to have it blessed? What the hell is going on here?

I have saged it about a hundred times, but maybe I’m not doing it right, I don’t know. It seems like the minute I pull out of my driveway I feel better, and the minute I walk in, my spirits plummet. So, it seems reasonable to deduce that this house is a vortex of evil, don’t you think? Maybe I should sprinkle all the corners with CBD. Nah…too expensive. I’ll figure something else out.

 

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Posted in Addiction, anxiety, Depression, health, inner peace, Learning, Life, meditation, Mental Health, Musings, People, recovery, women

Real, for Real

feel better

Over the past while, for whatever reason, I have noticed my tendency to…sort of be disingenuous a little bit in my writing. I am giving the truth, but maybe not the whole truth, and I don’t know why that is. I think part of it is that I’ve wanted so badly to feel like I am exercising some control over the way I am feeling in my life, and so I will try this thing, and that thing, in an effort to feel better. For example, changing my diet, exercising regularly, meditation, mindfulness- and all of these things are WONDERFUL things, don’t get me wrong! All of them work, too…to a certain degree. And I’ve wanted so badly for them to work, I get so excited when, for a week or two, or maybe even a month, I can do everything perfectly and things seem to be looking up- I am quick to sing the praises of all of these things as a solution, but…the sad truth is, it’s really, really hard to do all of these things consistently forever! And the even sadder truth is, I am finding that even when I am pretty damn consistent, there is still a huge gap between how I AM feeling and how I WANT to feel. I haven’t missed a day of meditation in almost three months, and yet…I am struggling terribly with my mood. I am painfully aware of it, thanks to being so goddamn mindful, but I can’t seem to work through it, accept it, or just allow it…I don’t want to allow that. Why would anyone?!

Oddly enough, it was my little experiment this past week- let’s see if I can go 24 hours without yelling, remember? That pushed me into reevaluating my situation. The fact of the matter is, I couldn’t do it. I tried really hard, but I found myself doing okay the first day, and utterly failing on the second and third day. The yelling, though- I know this is just a symptom of a bigger issue, and that issue is that I am constantly battling with low level depression, an onslaught of negative thoughts about myself, and just generally clinging to a shred of debris that keeps my head above water. The tricky thing is that I don’t feel like this every single day- some days I feel great, and when that is true it’s hard to imagine that I ever feel so badly. But I’m here, right now, telling you that I do. More and more often lately, I feel far less than good. I used to have lots of good days punctuated by spells of shitty ones. Now it seems like the opposite is true. And I am out of tricks. The vitamins, the clean eating, the exercise, the meditation, the journaling- it just isn’t enough. And I refuse to live this way. I will not subject my child or anyone else I love to my bullshit behavior anymore- I got clean because I didn’t like myself, I am sure as shit not going to be a sober person who is still an asshole.  And listen, I am not just being mean to myself. I realize that I can’t really control my behavior- there is something wrong, and that isn’t my fault. Just like the fact that I am an addict is not my fault. But, just like my addiction- it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to fix it.

Yesterday morning, I made a decision. I have an appointment with my therapist today, and I am going to talk to her about getting an appointment with a psychiatrist, because it is finally time to discuss getting on some medication. I have tried for almost three and half years to fix myself, and if I am being 100% honest, I haven’t gotten very far. Lots of things in my life have gotten better, but the way I FEEL has not. I am less frantic, maybe, and able to be more calm, but this is just the benefit of not ingesting a metric ton of methamphetamine, I’m sure. The way I feel is still suffering. And, though I am really nervous about taking a prescription drug- I’m worried that I could feel worse, or have weird side effects, or gain weight- I’m more worried about the fact that there might be a solution and I’m over here just struggling every day for no reason. So I am going to start that ball rolling today.

This morning, I made another decision, and this is a big one- I decided that, because I know it will be weeks until I can see a psychiatrist, and I want to start feeling better yesterday, I am going to try CBD. I have been doing a lot of research about it, and I’ve heard nothing but good things about it, so why not give it a shot? If I can find something natural, with no side effects, that will work? Hell, that sounds great to me. My hope is that it will work so well that by the time I get in to see a prescribing doctor, I won’t need a prescription anymore.

I would really love to hear about anyone else’s experience with CBD- and remember, this is the NON THC version I am talking about. Not only am I in recovery, but I HATE the way being high feels. A funny thing for an addict to say, I know, but no thank you. Not my kind of high, anyway. Have you tried CBD? Did it help? Do you know anyone who has tried it and liked it? Tell me EVERYTHING. I will be visiting the dispensary today, so hurry up. And for the love of God, have a good day, will you? The world needs all the happiness it can get.