Posted in Addiction, friendship, Goals, inner peace, Learning, Life, Musings, People

Sober Thoughts

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I’ve had a wonderful few days…a wonderful past month, actually. I’ve had so much fun, done so many things, but most importantly of all, I have stayed off drugs and pretty much changed the course of my entire life. No big deal, hahaha. Seriously, though, things were headed in a really bad direction, and it took a massive effort to turn that ship around before it hit the iceberg. Funny thing, though- once it started turning, it took on a life of it’s own, and sort of took off towards better things.

Now, I find myself in a quandary. One of my main rules, this time around, were that I would follow my OWN rules- not the rules of any other person or organization. What I really meant by this was that I was not going to go to NA meetings, and I was going to drink if I wanted to, and not feel shitty about it. I have done this with total success. Sort of. I mean, I have had a few beers, several glasses of wine, and even a mixed drink, once, and this has been fine. That isn’t the issue I am having at all.

My issue is this: I really want to help people. I really want to take all of this experience I have, and all of the things I have learned, and offer it to other women who are new in recovery. Which is a hard thing to do when you aren’t actually IN recovery. I am not naive enough to think that just because this way works for me, it will work for everyone else. I honestly don’t think that one way could ever work for everyone else- hence, the issues I have with NA and AA. However, I do believe that the rules they have chosen to follow (alcohol is a drug, period) are the safest ones. Maybe some people can drink, but a lot of people can’t and shouldn’t, and it’s just better to be safe than sorry. Even if alcohol never becomes a problem, it certainly does lower ones inhibitions and defenses, and can lead to bigger, worse things. I am not disputing that, not at all.

I am also not the kind of person who will pretend to be something I am not. I will not go to meetings, do the whole deal, get to a point where I am able to sponsor other women, and be drinking on the sly the whole while. That is just not me. Trust is not something to be toyed with. Especially in a situation as delicate and important as someone’s sobriety is. It is literally life or death, sometimes. I could never be casual about something like that.

So what do I do? Find another way to help women like me? To be honest with you, I can’t think of any better way. Meetings are the place where I could be the most vital help. Right now I simply don’t think I am willing to give up the life I have right now. And that sort of bums me out. Is drinking really that important to me? No, I don’t think it is. I really don’t even drink often, and when I do, it is never much at all…I don’t think that’s it. I think that it is the utter freedom I have right now, to make whatever decision I want to, at any time I wish. I don’t have this whole set of “suggestions” in the back of my head to guide me, and I don’t need them.

It’s not that important to me, but it’s not something I am ready to give up, either. It is something I am thinking about. I’m thinking really hard about it. Because maybe it’s not about me, and what I want to do. Maybe it’s about the needs of others, and it’s a small sacrifice I can make of myself so that I can be there to help. I haven’t decided yet, but I will let you know when I do. 

Have a wonderful day. 

 

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Posted in family, Goals, inner peace, kids, Life, love, People, random, writing

2012- It’s Been Quite a Year!

2012

I’ve been seeing all of the lists and reviews other folks have been making about their year, and decided I wanted to play, too. At first, I thought I didn’t have a lot to say about this year, other than I can’t believe it’s over already. I mean, that crap they tell you when you are a kid, about how much more quickly time goes by when you are older is NO lie. You just get accustomed to writing down one year and then it’s already another one. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that all kinds of stuff happened in my life this year. Here are some of the more interesting ones:IMG_0442

  • I got my very first dog. Her name is Lucy, and she is a pitch black Lab mix. I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into. Do you have any idea how much energy these dogs have, especially when they are puppies? Do you have any idea how badly they are capable of smelling? Have you ever seen how much fur they shed? I must sweep up at least enough fur to create two new puppies every other day. I don’t know how she isn’t bald. On the upside, though, she is the sweetest pup you’ve ever met. The baby could step on her head, and Lucy would only lick her face, lovingly. As we speak, I can see her looking at me through the back window with her big, sad eyes, like “mom…why aren’t we out walking right now? It’s not raining anymore…” And that is another thing I love about her- she gets me out, walking, moving, enjoying the world in a different way. Sometimes it’s a crap shoot, but most of the time, I count her among my blessings.
  • I had a nervous breakdown. Like, a real, honest to goodness BREAKDOWN, requiring me to take six weeks off of work, consider checking myself into a mental hospital, consider killing myself, crying every day, mental episode. Allowing myself the time I needed to feel better, to heal, to get a grip, was probably the kindest thing I have ever done for myself. I learned a lot of things, but number one among them was that I had stopped taking care of myself in any meaningful way, which caused me to resent everyone around me who I was taking care of. During that six weeks, I made some big, important changes in my life (some of which I need to get back to before it leads to more trouble)  and when I went back to work, I felt better than I ever had before.
  • I learned that, no matter what, my relationship with drugs will never, ever change. I cannot do them, no matter what, in any quantity or form, without it becoming a major, life altering problem, period. And that is all I am going to say about that.
  • That being said, I also decided that, for ME, alcohol is not included in that equation. FOR ME, having a glass of wine or a beer is not, and has never been, an issue. So I have had a glass of wine or two, and the other night, I split a fantastic hard cider with my boyfriend that tasted just like…well, cider. I reserve the right to change my mind about this, however, if it does become a little too appealing or lead to other problems- all those years in NA are not totally wasted on me.
  • THAT being said, I am no longer attending meetings. I miss them, sometimes, but I am not following, and not a believer in the rules anymore. And if you can’t do it right, you might as well stay home. So I am. And I am okay with it, totally.
  • This is the biggy. I never, not in a million, bazillion years thought I’d ever,ever say this, but here it is. I became a Christian. I feel funny even writing it down, but you can’t imagine how weird the transformation inside of me has been for me. It just sort of happened. Sorry, mom. (She really has an issue with this). I found a church I love, and I feel awful if I miss, even one Sunday, and it has changed everything for me. I am just not afraid of the word “Jesus” anymore, even if I’m not 100% comfortable with announcing it to the world…there it is. When I go to church, something deep inside of me stirs and it feels right for me to be there, and to apply the lessons to my life out in the world. I feel like I am home.
  • I became more dedicated than ever to my writing. I had my first short story published. I started this blog. I participated in nanowrimo, and went to the Night Of Writing Dangerously. I started a new book. I started working on finishing up my finished novel. I met my favorite writer in the whole wide world. I finally gathered enough knowledge to formulate a logical path to becoming successful with my gift, if it is ever to be. I know that I love writing almost as much as I love my children, so it seems to me that all there is left to do is try to succeed at it, right? Right.

When you look at the things I have listed as being noteworthy, they may seem sort of random to you. But to me, every single one of them tells the story of a woman who has finally grown up enough to begin thinking, and deciding, for herself how her life should be lived. Whether it was getting a dog, drinking a beer, jumping off of the ride when it got too wild, or discovering who it is she truly wants to be-all of the decisions were big, defining ones for me, and I came through it all better for it.

All in all, I’d say 2012 was a year to be proud of. Have a great day, and Merry Christmas!