Posted in beauty, fun, humor, Life, Musings, People, random

Dear Glamour Magazine

Here is another old one for your reading enjoyment. I am still in the Nanowrimo race, and not quite ready to throw the towel in. So, I am recycling- FOR YOU. Please, don’t let my efforts be in vain. 🙂

After The Party

Dear Glamour Magazine:

I have been a subscriber to you off and on for the last fourteen years. It has come to my attention recently that you and I have nothing in common anymore, much like a friendship you outgrow over time. The main difference being, of course, that you and I were never really friends- you were always more like that super put together chick with the great skin and ridiculous figure I would run into at seven eleven when I had last nights make up under my eyes and chocolate smears on my sweat pants.  Yeah, that’s pretty much how you made me feel, like you were smiling politely to my face but the minute I shut your cover, you were whispering to all your anorexic super model friends “Did you see what she was wearing? I mean, seriously, why even BOTHER?

I understand you are…

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Posted in Blogging, escape, friendship, Goals, Learning, Life, Musings, writing

I’ve Been Chosen for a Liebster Award!

liebsteraward

You can’t imagine my surprise when I saw my notification last night that I had been nominated! So, first and foremost, I would like to extend my sincere thanks and gratitude to Ashley at Musings & Adventures in living. Then, of course, the anxiety crept in. The first rule- “Tell 11 random facts about yourself”, no problem! I do that regularly in my blogs, anyway. I will get to that in a minute, here. The “Answer 11 questions given to you by the person who nominated you” part is no problem, either. Heck, I love telling people my thoughts about just about anything (hence the blog, duh). It’s the middle part that is giving me a little grief- you see, one of he requirements is to find other bloggers with less than 200 followers and nominate them. Eleven of them, no less.

Confession time…I don’t think I regularly read eleven other bloggers. Even if I did, I have no idea how many followers they have. Furthermore, I have no clue how to find that information. So here’s the deal, I will accept this award, and I will, over the course of my next eleven blogs, give you my nominees. I just can’t do it all at once. I want to be real, here, and not just throw any old names into the hat. So I will be on the hunt for my 11, okay?

Onward and upward! Here are eleven things you may or may not want to know about me:

1) I have a little brother and a little sister. My brother and I share a mother, my sister and I, a “father”. My brother is 8 years younger than me, and we only lived in the same house for about four years. I always joke that I am an only child…and so is he. My sister and I didn’t meet until I was in my mid-thirties. We found each other on Myspace. No, I am not joking.

2) I have two tattoos and one piercing. Not bad for someone who was on drugs for as long as I was!

3) As outgoing and socially comfortable as I am, I absolutely loathe the beginning of new relationship. All the uncertainty is torture for me. Sexual tension makes me want to pull my hair out. I just like to get the ball rolling, or forget it.

4)I had to testify in a murder trial once.

5)I have really bad taste in men. I have had one upstanding boyfriend who I have no regrets about dating, and two who read this blog regularly. They can draw their own conclusions.

6) I hate flying so much that I don’t even want to discuss it anymore. I can’t think about it. Next time I fly,  I will be heavily medicated.

7) I am a terrible liar.

8) I am very vain. Therefore, gaining weight and getting a little older has not been fun for me. I still look pretty good, though, to me. 🙂

9)I have lived in my house for over two years now, and this is a miracle for me. I am a gypsy, totally. I love starting over, somewhere new. This is hard on kids, though, I hear, so I am trying to stay put.

10) I am not a big fan of shopping for long periods of time, unlike my mother and my oldest daughter. Get in, get what you need, get the hell out- that’s my motto.

11) I believe in God, 100%. You may or may not like this. I could care less. Nor do I care what you believe in, nor do I think discussing (ie, arguing about) it is a good idea. To each his own. REALLY.

Okay, check that off the list…Now for the questions from my nominator ( is that even a word?) :

1) Why do you write?

I write because I have to write. I don’t know how not to write. I am composing in my head, letters, conversations, stories, all the time. It is just the way I was assembled. Sometimes I see a word, and a story grows out of it like a little bud out of a the earth. I write because I love  it more than anything. 🙂

2. If you could accomplish only one thing with your blog, what would it be?

Well, of course, the best possible thing I can think of ever coming from this blog would be to catch the eye of a really great agent, who wanted more than anything for me to send my manuscript (yes, I do have one finished, and one half way there, not to mention ideas up the wazoo.) to him/her, and propel me to international, albeit quiet, literary stardom. Of course, just being able to do nothing except write would also be nice. I wouldn’t mind at all being a syndicated columnist, either.  But the truth is, I didn’t start this blog for any of those reasons. I just wanted a place to talk about what was going on with me, and maybe let people know that if they were going through struggles with their kids, or with addiction, or with aging, they totally weren’t alone.

3. If you were given money and a full month to travel, where would you go?

This one is a toss up between renting a winnebago and traveling all over the United States, and hopping on a plane to travel all over Europe. I couldn’t nail down a destination if I tried, there are just SO many places I long to see.

4. What is one thing that you are creating in your life? (art/personally/work-related)

The most important thing I am creating in my life today is Joy. The past years of my life have been soul killing, and I am restoring myself- through meditation, through self- care, through fun and really living. When my stores of joy begin to run low, I need to start working at it a little harder. Change it up every day!

5. Who would you choose to be your mentor, if you had the chance?

The beauty of being a writer who also loves to read ( and I don’t know how you could be one without also being the other, honestly)  is that you are free to be mentored by the most fabulous people in the world, whenever you so choose…other writers! I love Elizabeth Gilbert and Anne Lamott, and of course, JK Rowling. How could I not?

6. How has writing influenced changes in your life?

Writing is often a way for me to sort out and organize my thoughts, and so it influences me greatly in that I am able to spot major flaws in my own processes as they are happening…when I am keeping up with myself, that is. A lot of it happens in review, though. Looking back, I’m like “What the hell were you thinking?!” Most of this is around men, of course.

7. If you could meet anyone in history, who would you meet, and why?

I don’t really have an answer to that…Albert Einstein fascinates me.  I wouldn’t mind going back to take Hitler out (like, with a rifle, not to dinner, duh.). But I don’t really think that way. There aren’t a lot of famous people that I dream of meeting, now or in the past. I would love to just live like a week in every era from about 1870 on…I think it would be fascinating to see the way ordinary people lived their daily lives!

8. How you do stay motivated to reach your goals?

This is a funny question, because I am not sure I have actually ever done that- met a goal- before. I have written things down, and then looked back and found that these things have actually happened. Well, I was just sipping my coffee, mulling this over, and it occurred to me that I have, in fact, met some pretty major goals…the way I stay motivated is by breaking it all down into small, manageable tasks. Also, money motivates me, lets be honest…but fun is the biggest deal breaker. If I am enjoying myself, the rest is easy.

9. Where would you like to live?

The best answer for this question is EVERYWHERE.  I love where I live now. I need to be near water, I don’t know why. It doesn’t have to be the ocean- a river or a lake is okay, although a river over a lake. I like moving water best. But I have the ability to be happy just about anywhere, honestly. I like new things. I like adventure.

10. Who is your greatest inspiration?

My greatest inspiration so far has been heartache, renewal, and rejoicing over having risen from the ashes. My greatest inspiration is whatever is on my heart from moment to moment.

11. If you could give a group of people advice, what would it be?

The best advice I can ever give someone is TRUST YOUR GUT. You know more than you ever imagined!

And with that, I will give you my first nominee, who I love and have no idea how many followers he has or even if he already has one of these bad boys. His name is Benny, and his blog My Ideal Woman, is one of my favorite, and one of the first I ever followed.

Here are your questions, Nominee:

1) What were you hoping to get out of having a blog, and have your expectations been met, fallen short, or been exceeded?

2) What are your writing goals, if any?

3) What would a perfect day be like for you?

4) If you found out you had one year to live, what would you change about your life?

5) Why aren’t you doing that now?

6) Do you have a favorite time of day to write, a favorite place?

7) Do you love the distinct smell of a library, and a bookstore, do you know the difference…or am I just a weirdo?

8) Do you feel largely misunderstood by the majority of your non-writing friends, and does this sort of bum you out?

9) What was the hardest thing you have ever been through, and what did you learn from it?

10) What do you find to be the best part of being not as young as you once were? What do you look forward to about growing older?

11) This one is a biggy! Are you afraid of dying? What do you believe happens after death? I’m just curious.

Thank you again for selecting me! I look forward to finding ten more bloggers to nominate!

 

 

 

Posted in Addiction, advice, Blogging, family, friendship, Goals, inner peace, Life, People

Simple Pleasures

 

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When I started this blog, I thought that it would be about a woman (me) on a quest to better herself, to stave off the BS that is aging, and how she (I) learned to be, or to stay, beautiful…Man, I could never have guessed how right I was, in some respects, and how misguided I was, in others. I had no idea the battle that lay ahead, that I would be swept back up, on several occasions, pinned back down beneath the tsunami of my own addiction. I could not have guessed that, by the time I got here, to this day, I would be far less interested in the state of my appearance than I was in the state of my spirit. That my crows feet would not even place on the top ten list of my current concerns.

I know I talk about my struggle with drugs a lot, and if that bothers you, I highly encourage you to find another blog to read…because drugs are a huge part of my story, a major contributing factor in the making of me as you know me, a curse and also a blessing. ‘How in the world can you call it a blessing ?’ You might be asking yourself…well, let me explain, would you?

If it weren’t for the drugs, that revealed my illness, that caused all the struggle, the hardship, the bullshit…I would never have known the joy of overcoming all of it. I would never have gotten through it and looked back and thought, ‘Man, you made it out alive, through all of THAT?’ . There are things I will keep to myself, that I will never write about in this blog, or tell my mother, or share with most people, because they just don’t need to know. But rest assured, when I tell you that my life was hard, and sad, brutal and depraved, even- you can trust that I am telling you the truth. I wasted a lot of years on what amounted to very little.

But I learned from it. And because of all of that, my appreciation for what I have in my life today, the simple, little, common pleasures are profound. Last night, I made dinner and watched Matilda with both of my daughters and my older daughters boyfriend, and I realized that even a month ago, I would not have found myself there. No one wanted to be around me, and that was fine, because I didn’t want to be around them either. Now, it is the best part of my day, spending time with people I love. Actually, the whole day is the best part of my day, because at every turn, I am filled with gratitude. And that is why I can tell you that my illness is also a blessing- because the flip side of the coin is a wonderful way to be.

In the past month, i have done more than I have done in the past year, and I am not kidding you. I got my nose pierced with my daughter, I went to the boardwalk, I went to the mall. My sister came to visit me for three days, and I got to show her around town. I went to the lighthouse here for the first time ever. I went to a family barbecue in Palo Colorado Canyon. I painted with my toddler. I went to the library, twice. I read a book, I started writing a book, I wrote a couple of good blogs. I started exercising. I took a Zumba class, and pilates, and body sculpting. I lost five pounds. I hung out with old friends. I booked a vacation. I planned a day trip with some other friends. I went to a street festival. I went to some meetings. I called my mother- a lot. I talked to every person I love, at least one time. And that is just in the last MONTH. My life is so full of good, I can’t really describe it.

So…if you are out there, right in the middle of your own self imposed prison sentence, can you try to put yourself in my place? I am telling you, right now, you can start to turn it all around, you are just like me. Everyone who loves you still loves you. You can have back everything you had in your life…or nearly everything, and what you can’t have will be replaced by something just as good…maybe even better. Just think about it. And that is all I have to say today. :)addic

 

 

Posted in aging, random, Uncategorized

Silly Poem

Twas the eve of my birthday,

I couldn’t care less;

I was too fat to fit into

My little black dress.

And it wouldn’t matter

If it wasn’t so-

For tomorrow is Tuesday-

(A work night, you know)

With no babysitter,

And no outing planned-

I shall simply sit home

With remote in my hand

Thinking of birthdays

From years gone by-

Getting so wasted,

I thought I would die;

Waking up fully clothed

On the floor by the bed

With the phone off the hook

Resting under my head.

Pantyhose off

Make-up still on

The house has been ransacked-

But nothing is gone.

Memorable nights,

I, alas, can’t recall

Too bad, as I hear

That I had quite a ball…

But that was back then

And this is right now-

When that doesn’t sound

Like much fun, anyhow.

Eh! I won’t worry

Or even give thought

To whether I’ll have

A good birthday or not-

Because, after all

I’ve had more than my share

Of birthdays so awesome

It’s not really fair

Besides, I can barely

Stay up ’til eleven;

And nobody’s excited

To turn thirty-seven.

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve written anything that rhymed, and it was hard. Anyway, that wore me out, so I’m going to go to bed now…but I wanted to contribute something here, today, since I was so quiet for so long.

I hope you all have a wonderful night, I will definitely (try to ) write something tomorrow. Goodnight!

Posted in Life

Dirty Girls

I hope I didn’t mislead you with the title…okay, okay, I intentionally misled you with the title, selfishly hoping you would think this blog was about something sexy, when really, it’s about actual dirt. Or mud, to be more precise. I mean, you could, conceivably, find something sexy about mud, I guess. It takes all types of people (freaks) to make the world go ’round, as they say.

So, yeah. Saturday, I ran (please understand that when I say “ran”, I really mean “jogged”, “walked” and towards the end “trudged” and “limped”) an  obstacle course called the Mud Run. It says it is 5 miles, on the website. In the information packet they emailed me, it says “approximately 5 miles”, which I optimistically took to mean less than five miles. Somewhere within the first quarter mile, I was informed by my teammate that it was actually 6 miles. I’m glad she told me AFTER  the race had started.

I realize that it is now Tuesday. I would have written about it sooner, only I have been basically crippled since about five minutes after completing the event. The simple act of sitting down on the toilet has become a very painful process. My pelvic area is not doing so well- the only other time it felt like this, I was minutes away from giving birth. I’m not sure if this is normal or not, but I feel reassured by a conversation I had this morning with my sister-in-law, Andrea ( the other senior citizen on our otherwise 20 something team ), who apparently only today was able to get out of bed. Yep, since the minute the adrenaline from actually completing the race wore off, I have been a little bit sore. I make a lot of noise when I stand up, sit down, move or breathe. Other than that, I am totally fine.

In my defense, I only found out three weeks prior to the race that I was going to be on the team. My other sister-in-law broke her foot and got pregnant (not necessarily in that order) so she dropped out. If you have been reading my blogs, you know that I smoke. You know that I am rather chubby, presently. You may or may not know how sucky my exercise routine is- hell, I didn’t realize it until this! I knew it wasn’t great, but I had no idea I was in this bad of shape. So you may be asking yourself WHY a person with all these issues would have said YES when asked to participate. Here is my answer- I have no idea.

I guess because someone I love asked me to. And because I had wanted to do it when I first heard about it months and months ago (time I could have spent preparing for this thing) but I had not one friend able to commit to doing something with me. Yes, it does irritate me, thanks for asking. It looked like fun! I mean, it was called a “Fun Run”, so it had to be fun, right? Hmm…and also because I wanted to see if I could. I think the biggest reason behind why I was able to do it was this- I absolutely did not think about it at all, nor did I google it, mention it or allow myself to contemplate what I was undertaking at any time prior to last Saturday.

Well, except for that tiny little moment Saturday morning, while I was sitting on my porch with my book and my coffee, (yes, smoking) when out of nowhere I was utterly consumed with panic.

“What the HELL was I THINKING?!!” screamed me, in my head. “I can’t do this. No way. No way, no way, no way!” And that was that. There was no turning back now.

So, it was freezing cold. The shirt I had to wear was too small, but I will say this, it really accentuated my fat roll. There were a lot of people there that seemed very excited to be doing this, and to know what, exactly, it was that they were doing. I suppose I could have educated myself a little better about what was ahead of me. I was really running with the whole “ignorance is bliss” thing.

The first thing they made us do was group exercise, which included push-ups on gravel. I thought that was a little mean. Also, we had to do lunges, which for some reason, I don’t seem to be coordinated enough to do. I know, I know, it’s bending your KNEES, for heaven’s sake! This should give you some idea of what I was up against. Then, we all stood around for a minute, the starting gun went off, and we took off…sorta. What actually happened is we slowly started moving forward, a lot like the line for a roller-coaster at a busy theme park in July (if July was freezing). Little by little, space opened up around us as we moved along.

The first sign that this may not go well was when I wanted to die at the quarter mile mark. I didn’t say anything, but I was a little frightened. Then, we finally got to the first mud pit. I gotta admit, this was one of the highlights for me- where else, as a thirty six year old woman, do you get to dive into a giant mud puddle? I kinda wish I hadn’t ripped my knuckle off bashing it into the ground under all that mud, but oh well. Small price to pay. So there were several of those mud pits. There were some incidents with walls to be climbed over- you’d think a five foot wall would be no big deal, but when you’re climbing over it, it’s different. There were sand dunes and steep hills and six miles is really, really far to run. But I did it. We all did. And we weren’t even the last ones to finish. I have taken a few baths a day since the race to ease the pain in my muscles, and also to count the insane amount of bruises covering my poor body. But I would do it again, in a heartbeat. Just not for another few months, that’s all.

In closing, I would like to say this to my teammates: Andrea- Other than the fact that you made me swear on my life I’d walk with you, only to then get some demonic burst of energy and abandon me, I still love you and I’m so glad you asked me to come along. Jenny, I’m really sorry our fat asses held you back when you’ve been training like a champ for MONTHS now. I would like to point out that I had little notice, but even if I had, I probably still would’ve been a whiny little bitch. Darcie- we didn’t talk much, but you seem like a nice kid. I hope you aren’t pissed that you got saddled with my old, chatty ass. And Haley- I hope your knee feels okay, and that you got tons of sympathy tips at work that night! You deserve it!