Posted in adventure, Blogging, Goals, Holidays, Life, manifestation, Musings, People

Ready for What’s Next: Part 2

last day

Oh my gosh, you guys! It’s the last day of 2018 already! I don’t know why I thought, when I sat down here to write yesterday’s post, that there were still several days to go. I envisioned this being a four part post, but it looks like this is it- if I want to meet the end of the year deadline, anyway!

So, without further ado, and in a rather brain-stormy fashion, I am going to roll out my list of resolutions for 2019. I think what I will do is re-evaluate this list at the beginning of February, and fine tune it a bit. I am definitely not bargaining for perfection, and refuse to see any misses as “failures” because any time spent bettering yourself and your life is a win in my book. Also, for certain things, I thought it would be cool to have a big goal, and a second level “fail safe” goal, so like, for instance: I would love to hit my 10,000 steps per day goal every day this year, BUT- sometimes, when I work sitting down all day and my life is really busy, that is super hard to do. So what if I always shoot for 10K, but never let myself get less than 7K? I think that sounds so appealing, so that’s going to be one of the things. Alright, I guess there was some further ado, but it’s over now. Here goes:

Physically:

I’d just like to feel strong. I don’t want to beat myself up over my weight anymore. In the grand scheme of things, a little jiggle on a 43 year old woman with two kids, who sits on her ass for work all day is not all that shocking. I would LOVE to reach my goal weight- that can be the gold standard goal, fine. But I’m not going to shame myself or hate my body in the meantime. But the secondary goal will be to feel strong, healthy, and capable of lifting heavy things by myself.

Also, I pay a lot of money to my gym to be a member. If I go ten times per month, I get a 50% freaking discount. Here is my promise to you (and to me): If I don’t make it ten times per month in January, I am cancelling my membership. It’s wasteful and impractical if I don’t utilize it.

Furthermore, I will take my dog for a walk a minimum of five days per week, at least one of which is off-leash, at the beach. Preferably more often, but a minimum of 5. It’s easier when the days get longer, but I can do it.

Healthwise:

This is a big one, but I’ve really thought about it. I want to make this the year that I consume zero fast food. This shouldn’t be quite as daunting as it feels, but I am often super tired when I get off work, and I just don’t want to deal with dinner. Add hunger and a lack of groceries to the list, and The Habit Burger less than a mile away, and…well, you get the picture. I feel confident I can do this, though, and here is why: I just signed up to try Hello Fresh, which will be fun, and I plan on trying out a few different meal delivery services over the course of the next few months. Added bonus? Cam can cook with me, so it will benefit her as well. Also, I have exempted Chipotle and Panera from this rule, because they are both only kinda fast food.

Another big one: No cheating with cigarettes, and no more vaping. This has been the thorn in my damn side for YEARS now. I’m sick of it all. I’m not even putting a fail safe on this one, because it’s basically a do it or don’t do it thing. No middle ground.

And because mental health is as important, if not more so, than physical health, I will be making sure I meditate daily- even if it’s only five minutes. It’s just a beautiful part of my day, and I want to honor that.

Social Media: This one is so hard for me. I am not sure how to deal with it, because it’s a huge habit of mine. I know it can really cause my anxiety to ramp up, and that I need to reign it in a lot, but how, exactly? To what extent? I’m not really sure, but I’m going to think about it and try to come up with a solution. Stay tuned.

And finally, in no particular order, these:

I’ve decided to do a major, as-long-as-it-takes, clean up of my living space. All the nooks and crannies will be sorted out and wiped down to the very best of my ability. I will also dedicate 20 or so minutes per day to straightening up, and develop the habit of picking up throughout the day as I notice things out of place.

I will continue to make wise financial decisions, take care of my credit, and save a minimum secret amount of money per month, with a goal of a higher secret amount. I can’t tell you everything.

I will do one writing related thing every single day, no exception. Even if it’s just re-reading what I wrote the day before for five minutes. Every. Single. Day.

I will take two trips this year, minimum. One of them will be to Maine this summer, the other? I don’t know yet, but something.

And finally, most importantly of all, I will continue to count my blessings, even on the hard days. I will try very hard to manage my anxiety and depression (caused by ADHD, who knew?) the only way that I now know is available to me: without medication. We tried that this year, and it SUCKED. So, because my particular brain only works right when I am social, when I am excitedly looking forward to things, and when I add in new experiences, places, and faces…that’s what I am going to shoot for. The diet and exercise part I’ve already addressed.

My life is pretty great just the way it is, but having goals and trying to meet them is honestly a lot of fun for me. Even if it doesn’t work out…and, I mean, some of these might not- this is a lot of stuff! Even so, I enjoy the pursuit so much. What are your goals for the year ahead? I’d love to hear.

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Posted in adventure, aging, Dreams, fun, Goals, Life, Musings, People

It’s Time

live

In my head, there is an alternate reality, an entire life that contains all (most) of the same people that my actual life holds, with some pointed differences. In the life unfolding in my head, we do a lot more travelling. We do things that I am afraid of ( i.e., pretend to hate) such as camping- I can see myself and my daughter smiling around a campfire, looking up at the stars. In this alternate life, there are other differences, too. We are much better at togetherness, and I don’t mean laying in bed together while one of us watches season two of The Office (me), and the other one watches other people play video games on their tablet (her). I mean actual togetherness, laughing and eating waffle cones full of fresh churned ice cream at some food festival in Maine kind of togetherness.

In my imagined life, I am more organized, I am not such a freaking hoarder, the rooms in my home are neat and sensible, and I have tracked down the source of the moldy smell in the big bathroom and eradicated it. We get homework done without crying (that could be either of us on a bad day) and Cam reads to me without stubbornly insisting that she doesn’t know how, even though we both know she can read just fine when SHE feels like it. Or better yet, instead of pretending like she hates Harry Potter, she begs me to keep reading. In my other life, I always have extra blankets, nice ones, clean and folded neatly, in the linen closet. And I have a linen closet.

There is nothing wrong with the life I already have- as a matter of fact, it’s pretty great. But could it use some fine tuning? Um, yes. For the first time in memory, however, I already have all the main ingredients needed to make the leap from the actual-life-I-am-living to the-life-in-my-head. All I need to do is figure out the right measurements. Reduce the generous helping of pure laziness to maybe a pinch or two, and double the amount of effort and elbow grease. Buy some garbage bags, make a few trips to Goodwill to drop off the 17 pairs of “goal jeans” that, let’s be honest, if they ever do fit again, they aren’t even going to be in style anymore. I have an entire drawer filled with shirts that I dig through every day, and refuse to wear any of them. Why? What am I keeping them for, then?

For some reason, a truly clean house- like, every nook and cranny clean- plays a central role in my fantasy life. I have no idea what that has to do with food festivals in Maine or camping, but I guess it would make packing easier. It would definitely make coming home from a trip away more pleasant. In true ADHD fashion, though, cleaning properly is never a straightforward event for me. It involves a lot of half finished projects that stall out when I get distracted by something else that needs to be done, over and over, until I drop from exhaustion, leaving the house looking ten times worse than it did when I started. This is not an exaggeration, this has actually happened to me before.

But here is the thing- I KNOW there is a way to make this other life happen. I KNOW it. I can feel it in my bones, that I can have the life I want. I just need to keep taking steps towards it, every day, no matter what. There have been plenty of times when I got off work and wanted to veg on the couch and binge watch whatever thing I am currently into, but instead chose to push myself a little harder to get a few more things done…and it felt great! I need to choose to do that more often, instead of occasionally. It’s amazing, the amount of energy I find myself to have, compared to what I think I do.

My 20’s and 30’s were a blur…most of it, I wasted on self loathing and addiction, and the times when I actually had my act together, I was desperately trying to catch up, or to keep my family from going under. But there was always the sense that I had ample time to figure it out. I am 43 now, and although that is not old, there is definitely a feeling of “It’s time”. Time to pull it all the way together, or as much as I can. Time to take all of the trips and clean all of the closets, and generally figure shit out. Before my knees start protesting, and my back starts being really difficult, and my hormones jump ship, or whatever hormones do when they get old.

There is absolutely nothing standing in my way for once, except for me. And I refuse to be the reason my life falters anymore. I’ve done that for as long as I can remember, and it has never served me, not once. So I am going to challenge myself to try harder, dig deeper, and really start living the juiciest, most exciting, most awesome life ever. In a super clean house, naturally. Now excuse me, I need to go order some camping gear.

Posted in Addiction, advice, Goals, inner peace, Learning, Life, living, Musings, People, recovery, twelve step

Reinvention

reinvention

 

I have had the best week ! I got all of my laundry done- not just washed and dried, but folded and put away, too- do you know what a big deal that is? Maybe you don’t, because you are one of those freaks who does this regularly (not that I am judging you, I’m trying hard not to) so allow me to tell you- it’s monumental. I actually asked several people for socks for Christmas, believing that mine had all mysteriously disappeared…well, SURPRISE! I was wrong. My sock drawer is now so full of matched (you heard me, MATCHED and FOLDED NEATLY) socks that I can barely close it. I’m going to have to throw some of the old ones out after Christmas if my wishes all come true.

Okay, enough about laundry, though. I also had a super productive week at work, I have almost every bit of my Christmas business tied up, I managed to pray and meditate every day this week, and I have eaten like a reasonable person, rather than say…Jabba the Hut. I also made time to exercise every single day. Even hit a few meetings so far. What, what?! ‘Who is this person?’ you may find yourself wondering. I know I may have wondered myself a little bit.

I didn’t just come here to write about what a great week I have had. I wanted to share a couple of things with you about why I am here now, and I wish I could say “Oh, you know, I sat down one evening with a pen and paper, and took an honest inventory of some things that needed fine tuning in my life. I made a list of pros and cons…” NO. That would not be what happened, nor what has EVER happened for me. The way my life works, I change things when I am truly miserable, and usually not before. Being the addict that I am, and will always be, I can be pretty devoted to my discomfort- until it gets too bad, and then I say “Okay, enough is enough.” I did it with drugs, I did it with cigarettes (not quite as cleanly, but still), I have done it with relationships, and I do it again and again with things in my life that are not working. The pain of staying the same becomes greater than my fear of change, and I jump.

And again, being the addict that I am, it is generally all or nothing. If I am doing well in one area, I tend to excel in all the other areas as well. If I am doing poorly in one way, the other ways are sure to follow. This can be a double edged sword. I am still a work in progress, trying to figure out how to have big meal, miss a day of exercise, and not let my entire life go to shit over it. I am getting better. All the time, I see proof that I am.

Last weekend, I had had enough. I was eating SO badly- ever since Thanksgiving, really, and I had gained a few pounds, had been “too busy” to get to the gym or make any meetings, was crawling into bed earlier and earlier every night. None of these bode well for me. So, last Saturday, I made a decision- I was going to do better. I was going to make a real effort to correct my behavior this week. And you know what? I did.

That is the most crucial step- putting your intentions into action. Thinking about change, making up your mind to change…none of that means anything without action. So I really put my back into it this week, and I have had one of the most productive, amazing, self-confidence building weeks I’ve had in a long, long time. Will it last? I guess that kind of depends on me. It is always up to us, isn’t it? When you are really on your way, outside issues (and there will always be things that crop up, trying to fuck with your serenity and peace) won’t knock you completely off course. It’s really up to you. Try not to let this frighten you. Instead, when you get rolling, let the momentum of your happiness, your feeling of pride over what you are accomplishing, pull you forward. Let your excitement snowball. It’s a good way to be.

Here’s the thing, and I am speaking to my fellow addicts in recovery here- or even those who may not have found their way there yet; When you get clean, you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself. You can be WHOEVER, WHATEVER, and live HOWEVER you choose to. There are no limits aside from those you place upon yourself. If you are capable of slipping out of the noose of active addiction, you are MORE than capable of having a life far more fantastic than anything your brain can even come up with right now. That’s okay- go as far as you can, the re-evaluate. Two and a half years ago, when I first started this leg of my journey, all I wanted was to stop hating myself, and stop hurting the people I loved.  I just wanted to stop flipping out all the time, and learn how to be “normal”. I know, of course, that normal doesn’t exist, but I’ve gotten so much more, so much farther than I ever dreamed. And I’m still just starting out.

So here’s the assignment: Grasp the idea that you are free to be whomever you wish, and think about who that might be. Start doing the things that will get you there. If it doesn’t feel good, do something else. Never be afraid to change, especially if it is hurting you to stay who you are. I wish you all the happiest of holidays!