Posted in family, kids, Learning, Life, love, People, relationships

Arrivals, Departures…

my-children-poem-parents-quote-daughter-son-quotes-family-love-you-quotes-pic-picturesI will try to remember the distance between us- even when you are sitting right there beside me in the car, you are somewhere else, entirely. The world rushing past you is not the one that rushes past me. For you, it is a place you have inhabited but not yet made your own.

I know that this journey is ending…it’s not over just yet, but it’s ending. I know you have roads of your own to explore, hours and years that will take you miles and miles away from this place. I hope you will be my companion, sometimes, ride for a while on the passenger side…I hope you will always think of me when you think about home.

It seems like we’d only just started- but somehow, it’s been all of these years. When you were still small, I thought I had forever, but now, here we are-just like nothing. As quick as can be, you’re grown up, now. You’re the most precious thing entrusted to me, long before I was ever trustworthy…but we sailed, anyway, didn’t we? Together, we made it through storms and rough waters, and eventually, I learned to steer this ship into calmer waters. Now suddenly, I can see land ahead- your destination, darling. I can’t go with you, even though I want to. I can’t hold you here, and I can’t go on with you. I did my job, I got you here safely- now I have to let you go, soon.

I have time, still. So little, it seems almost nothing…and the part that you’ll share with me, even less. The landscape is nothing but change, now. I will try to allow you to savor the first, awesome bits of your freedom. I remember so clearly that anticipation, that feeling that anything, really, could happen. It’s wonderful, being so wild and alive, and with nothing but a wide open road there before you. I want you to have it. It is everything, for a minute, and it never can happen again. I can’t shelter you, protect you, and set you free to live your life, too. And I want you to live.

I wish I could tell you how profoundly you have shaped me. All this time that I spent tending you has completely changed me. It is as if you were a natural extension of me, of my life- a friend I picked up along the way. I have no idea how I will go on without you. It’s been the two of us, always, at the core of things, really, and I don’t remember at all what it’s like without you sharing my space, my home, my life. I know I am being sappy, but none of this is exaggeration- it doesn’t even come near to describing my feelings. I love you. I love no one more.

I look at you, I watch who you are becoming, and I know in my heart you’ll be fine. You have something about you that makes me confident of that. I think you are smart, I think you are quick, and I see you observing what’s laid out before you, adjusting your understanding accordingly. I know you are learning. Much of your life is yours now, and I think you are navigating it just fine…I take no credit for any of the wonderful things you are becoming, either. You are your own girl, through and through.

I just wanted to tell you, I get it. I forget sometimes, but then I remember, and it’s like I’m your age, right there beside you. But just for a moment, enough to remind me- just so that I can be mindful of you. I don’t want to steal this joy from you, I just want to guide you a little. And tell you how loved you are, and how important. I realize the clock is counting down the last, impossibly short years of your childhood. I hope you know it’s been the very, very best time of my life.

Thank you.

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What’s new with “ME”

So, it’s not as easy as I thought it would be to stick to my guns and persevere with my original intent- to try to indulge myself a little bit, try some new stuff, feel better. What has happened is that I have really been paying attention to the way I feel, more, and what those things are that make me feel excellent.

So far, this is what I have learned: If I can’t relax or I am not feeling well, it doesn’t matter what treats I am giving to myself, I am not going to enjoy them.

When my house is a wreck, I am not going to feel good about anything.

When I am overweight, it doesn’t matter how great my eyebrows look, my face will still be chubby.

My feet stay remarkably slender no matter what is happening higher up, so it’s a good idea to take care of my toes.

I like my hair better long- it’s easier to deal with, more feminine (for me) and suits me. I’m not sorry I cut it all off, but I do want to grow it back.

Those are a few of the things I have figured out in the past month, the simpler ones…some others, that have surprised me a little are:

Having a puppy is a great way to keep yourself grounded in the present. When you walk a little baby dog around, they want to stop and sniff everything- so you become very aware of your surroundings, and you see things more clearly than you might if you were just rushing by, on your way to somewhere else. I like this very much.

Prayer is a good thing- I knew that already. Prayer in a big room full of other people praying is a great thing. Going to church is a relatively new thing for me, and I am just blown away by how important it is becoming to me. I love the idea of a room full of other people like me, wanting to be more, wanting to know God better, wanting to have faith. I’m not naive enough to think that all those people have the same motives for being there, or that they are all great people, even…but it is touching, all the same.

If you pay attention, your body will tell you exactly what you should, or more specifically, what you SHOULD NOT put in it. Yesterday afternoon, while waiting for my kid and her friend at the mall, I ate a magnificent piece of pizza with tomatoes and big globs of ricotta cheese all over it. It was so yummy. About an hour later, my mood took a dive and my stomach started growling and feeling all bloaty and gross. Apparently, this was not warning enough for me, so for dinner, I ate a little bit of steak and some garlic bread and a tiny, insignificant amount of salad. I was awake at two o’clock this morning with the WORST stomach ache ever, and no on but myself to blame. Guess how often this happens when I eat, say, chicken or salmon or a veggie burger, even? If you guessed never, you were right. I am not fifteen anymore, no matter what my brain tells me, and if I want to eat crap, I better be willing to pay the price.

The most interesting thing of all, though, is this- exercise seems to be the biggest, best, most wonderful thing I can do for myself. I have been walking a lot, every day, actually, and it never fails that when I get home, after the initial sweating and panting has ended, I feel fantastic. My mood is great, my energy level is great, and it lasts a good long time. Also, I am actually losing weight, as well, which doesn’t hurt my mood any.

So this is what is new and happening on my little journey now. I will keep you all updated as I add new things to my repertoire…I am going to take a new exercise class or two this week with a girl from work, which should be super interesting as I am incapable of crossing an empty room without injuring myself, so…stay tuned!