Posted in Blogging, family, funny, health, humor, Life, love, Mental Health, Musings, random

Things I do when I am sick (That I would never do if I was well) (…probably)

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I have had to veer off course in the “Five Day, Five Photo Challenge”, mostly because I have been hovering on deaths door, doing my damnedest not to cross the threshold…just kidding, although I do have a nasty, terrible, no good, fucking awful cold. The second one in about a month, actually. Which probably means there is some underlying cause, most likely fatal, terminal, or otherwise incurable, right? Which leads me to the inspiration for this fine list- the crazy shit I think and do when I am sick. Please, enjoy my neuroses, and my trashy behavior. There should certainly be some benefit to the world from these.

Here goes:

1) As mentioned above, I have never just had a cold. It is always, in my head (and confirmed by WebMD) a symptom of a much bigger, probably fatal, underlying disease. I don’t get headaches, I get brain tumors. It’s never a cold, it’s always early pneumonia due to undiagnosed HIV. The cough is really lung cancer. The achy muscles are Rheumatoid Arthritis. I actually even entertained the idea, briefly, yesterday, that there was probably a tick somewhere lodged in my body, and I was completely riddled with Lyme’s disease. Actually, that could be true. I am sure there are lots of places on my body where a tick could live happily for YEARS. I am not nearly that thorough in my self examinations, that I would spend the time necessary to locate a tick. Let me remind you, I have a four year old. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I took a bath alone, let alone one where I could thoroughly search for ticks.

2) Due to my (hopefully imagined) impending demise, I become extremely weepy, loving, and tender with my children. I imagine how fucked their lives will be when I have the nerve to die young(ish), and I imagine myself looking down on them from heaven as they cry and mourn. Even as I write this, I realize how mental I must sound. I’m even a little embarrassed for me.  Anyway, because this is such a horrible mental road to go down, I then become full of resolve to beat this horrible cancer (my cold) and vow to be well, against all odds (or with chicken soup and Robitussin, whichever is easier). Which leads me to-

3) The part where I turn into a sleep Nazi, screaming at my children, the dogs, and my phone every time it rings. Don’t these idiots know I am coming back from the BRINK, here? I must rest! I must imagine my body attacking the cancer (germs. cold germs, that is all they are) so that I can survive! FOR THEM! Don’t they see what is happening here? ( I can actually see my older daughter rolling her eyes at me in disgust as I write this, saying “Why? Oh, yes, because you are DRAMA.”)

4) Other and miscellaneous things: When I am sick, and I need medicine, which I never seem to have when I need it, I will go to the store in my pajamas and slippers without a single fuck to give, and I will zombie walk to the cold/flu aisle like a kid in a candy store. If a kid were a zombie with serious sinus problems, anyway. I spent forty dollars yesterday on shit for my cold. I know that I can’t cure it, but I just wanted to feel better. You and I both know, though, that nothing apart from time really works.  If I didn’t have kids, I’d just continually use Nyquil to knock myself out until the symptoms passed, but that seems dangerous with a four year old in the house.

5) I religiously spray salt water up my nose when I am sick. I know I am not alone in this, but it seems to funny to me every time I do it- we spend every well moment of our lives vigorously avoiding getting things up our noses (well, okay…you know what I mean) and the minute we are sick, we actively begin squirting shit up there. Or, I do, anyway. I have no idea if it actually even works, but at least I feel like I am doing something.

6) I take baths with no thought of hygiene whatsoever. I sat in a bath full of kids vapor crap yesterday, just for the hope of some relief, however brief. I nearly scalded my skin off, but dear Jesus, I could actually breathe for the duration of the bath. Unfortunately, I was too sick to bother actually washing any part of my body. It never even crossed my mind. Being wet was good enough in my book.

7) I will literally blow and or wipe my nose on ANYTHING when I am sick, so the best bet is to keep something intended for that near me at all times. This is why people walk around with Kleenex boxes when they are ill- to save the curtains. I actually wiped my nose on my own pajama bottoms the other day. I am pretty sure I am still wearing them. Guess how much I care?

8) I will gladly let my four year old eat nothing but Popsicle’s for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. Only when I am sick. At least she is eating something, right? Now that I think about it, this may be WHY I am sick again so soon- she is probably diabolically licking all the rims of the clean glasses in the house, planting her pre-school germs (of which there are plenty) in hopes of Popsicle’s 24/7…I better keep an eye on her.

Well, that is it for me. I am going back to bed now. Gotta nip this cancer (cold) in the bud. Have a wonderful day!

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Posted in Addiction, advice, escape, Goals, inner peace, Learning, Life, People, random, Uncategorized

Directions To Happiness

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Yesterday, I ended my blog by saying something like “If I figure out the directions to being present, I will definitely share them”. Well, I woke up this morning and started really thinking about how I got here, to this place of real happiness, in such a relatively rapid manner. I mean, lets face it- just two months ago, I was a pinched face ball of tension and misery. Now, I wake up every single day feeling like the possibilities are pretty much endless, and even if NOTHING exciting happens, I am good. There’s a weird part of me that is almost a little embarrassed by this, like maybe I am really just having a bipolar manic episode, and everything really still sucks…but, I’m pretty sure that isn’t it. I haven’t decided to go jogging naked or spent my whole paycheck on Coach bags, nor have I started an inappropriate affair with the mailman (Yet, hahaha!). So, I am operating on the assumption that this is my new reality. 

As much as it may feel like I sort of stumbled into it, looking back, I do see that I have done some specific things that have helped me get to this point. A lot of it was just instinctual, and when you are on the right path, it’s like your spirit will pull you towards the things that are best for you, I swear. I know how hokey that sounds, but I think that is one of the catches- you have to have an open mind. So, here are my personal directions to the approximate location of happiness. You may have to tweak it a little to find your best neighborhood. 🙂

1.) You have to decide that you want to be happy. For me, it was more like I was so insanely sick of being miserable…but I did often say the words “I just want to be happy.”. Saying this is not the same thing as making the decision to be happy. We say a lot of things, all the time, and do nothing. This happens inside- it’s a commitment that you make to yourself when you are really ready for change, and usually, things have to suck pretty bad to get there. For me, at least. You may be smart enough to feel some minor discomfort and go ahead and turn it around. I could learn a few things from you, if that’s the case.

2.) Once you make up your mind, you have to stop doing all of the things that are making you miserable. For me, as you probably know, there were drugs, and a really unhappy relationship. You just have to let go of that stuff. I had to do both in order to make any progress- I had tried just giving up the drugs and then just giving up the relationship, but nothing worked until I let go of both. It was hard, and sad, but I was ready.

3.) Definitely Rest, but don’t Languish…does that make sense? What I mean is, yes, you do need some time to recover from the “surgery” (whatever piece of yourself you just had removed, or reconstructed), but don’t just sit around waiting to heal. When my last baby was born, I had to have an emergency C-section. The nurses told me to walk around as soon as I could, that it would really help. I thought they were insane- HELLO? From what I understood, certain vital organs of mine had been PLACED ON TOP OF MY STOMACH to get to my child before being thrown back in…you want me to do what, now? But they were right. It kept me from getting all stiff and full of scar tissue or something, I guess. Same principle, here. You need to keep moving forward. You gave enough time to whatever misery you are escaping.

4.) Take walks. I had put “exercise”, which is also really important, but it isn’t the same thing for me as walking. I get something different out of my morning walks than I do from a trip to the gym. I get to see the world around me in a different way, and I just sort of meander around, doing what feels good to me. So try taking a walk every day, see if it helps.

5.) Think about what you are putting in your mouth. The way I eat has so much to do with the way I feel, it is crazy. If I eat lots of red meat or fast food, I feel sluggish and awful. If I eat food that I cook at home, and lots of salads and fruit, so on, I feel better. Not just in my body, but in general. I am not saying cut out everything you love to eat, just think about what you are eating. Lots of times, i realize I don’t really even want something when it comes right down to it.

Well, I feel really bad about this, but I am going to have to finish this tomorrow! Time got away from me, and I have to head out for my walk or I will miss it, and…well, see number 4. That would just never do!  Have a great day, and I will talk to you tomorrow, I promise.

Posted in Blogging, humor, Learning, Life, Musings, People, random, writing

My Blog Turned 2, and Now It Won’t Listen to a Thing I Say…

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Actually, this was like a week or more ago, now. I get so busy with my stupid reality, I have no time to actually sit down and write about it. I could do it during work, but I feel too guilty. Don’t get me wrong, I screw around just like everyone else, I just make sure not to do anything that I enjoy a whole lot- that way, it doesn’t feel so bad.  So anyway, I thought it would be fun to write a little bit about what I have learned about blogging, and about myself, in these past couple of years. Here goes:

10.) The thing I intended to write about in the beginning, my “whole life makeover”, is possible…just not for someone with kids. I love the idea of being the very best me I can possibly be, up to and including : Shiny, bouncy hair; slender waist and perky boobs, bonus if my ass isn’t sliding down my thighs as it has implied, lately, that it might; gym going, yoga doing little ball of focused energy; responsible, organized and self-assured; maintains and tends to her important relationships, excellent mother, clean house…you get the idea, right? I want to be a fucking superwoman, just like every other chick who isn’t lying to herself. But I have children, I work full time, and I am still my messed up, unruly, ADHD, drug addict self. Some days, the VERY best I can do is show up and not verbally abuse people. Hell, some days, all I can do is show up. So, my blog isn’t about what I thought it would be about. But it is still about me…which leads me to:

9.) Be super duper careful when you write about your personal relationships. People do NOT like it when you talk about them on  the world wide web. They get all screwy and uptight and weird, and ask you not to mention their names (like anyone knows who the fuck you are, Grace. Just kidding, Ethel.) , and for God’s sake, if you have a habit of breaking up with someone and getting back together like some people on some other blogs (this one) I’ve read, you may want to think twice before posting that shit. Because a) Everyone will think you are stupid and hate your (ex)boyfriend, including you, and b) You will have to hear your (ex)boyfriend quote your words fourteen thousand and twenty seven times, until you threaten to cut him in his area. Yes, this is culled from real life, people.

8.) I am not as interesting or original as I thought. I read blogs all the time that are so much better than mine. I can think of one in particular (thank GOD she fixed her life and stopped writing, I couldn’t take it anymore. 🙂 ) where this woman had NO WRITING ASPIRATIONS AT ALL and her blog was a thousand times better than mine! Organized, cute, well thought out, interesting, and she stuck to her theme almost always. I don’t usually even know which personality is going to be writing my blog when I sit down, let alone where the hell I’m going to wind up. But trust me, wherever it is, someone has been there before…thanks to Google and WordPress, I now know there has never been an original thought in my head.

7.) I am also not a very fast learner. This one was a bit of a shocker, as I have always prided myself on being just that. But, when reviewing my timeline, I find that I am running into the same issues, again and again and again. I am not learning what I need to learn, or remembering what that is, or something. God, I have had it with me.

6.) I am a total attention hog. And a stats junkie. If I write it, I expect that they will come…and if they don’t, I expect that I will feel like shit. Look, some of my blogs are just so-so, but most of them, I really do like. At least, at the time I published them. So it’s not a big shocker that I think everyone will like the things I write…right? Every little “like” that is clicked, every little “reblog” gives me a little hit of the universal adoration I crave. It’s a sickness. You watch, there will be a 12 step meeting for it soon, if there isn’t already.

5.) It’s a lot harder to come up with a list of ten things than you will ever know until you sit down to write one.

4.) I really like internet porn. You have no idea how many times I have sat down to write and wound up…not writing, instead. I mean, really enthusiastically not writing. This, I hear, is also a sickness.

3.) I don’t have time to read as many blogs as I would like to, so I can’t blame anyone for not reading mine. I guess. Although, even though I just claimed to be neither interesting or original, clearly, you can see that I am both. I think it would behoove you to continue to read this blog, even though I ALSO just actually said I had no intention of reading yours. I might. But I will be famous someday, so it is worth your while…we all know that famous people are important. Well, I am important in waiting. Read me like the bible (if the bible had a lot of vulgarity, curse words and giant holes in it.) (Oh, wait. It does!)

2)When in doubt, do not hit “Publish”. If you are bleary eyed and half crocked at two a.m. and you think that what you have written is maybe a little risque, it is probably pornography and please don’t embarrass yourself. If you are in the same predicament and think your writing is really great…it probably really isn’t. Sleep on it. If and when you wake up, take a little peek, and see if you aren’t horrified. Trust me, I wish someone had been around to tell me that. Of course, they probably were, I just didn’t have time to read their blog.

1) I really, truly do love to write. It is an enormous part of who I am, and I am so grateful to live in the time that I do, where I can be a part of the WordPress community, no matter how sporadic I am, and say whatever I want, whenever I want to…for FREE. Just think- you would have missed out on this little gem if it weren’t for the guys running this ship! Yay wordpress! And Happy Birthday, toddler blog. You look exactly like your mother.