Posted in advice, anxiety, Depression, faith, health, inner peace, Life, magic, manifestation, meditation, Mental Health, mindfulness, People, spirituality, the occult

Just DO it.

just do it
Thanks, Nike.

Early, early this morning, because it was a full moon and I am not a night person in ANY way, I did a little candle ritual to get rid of this negative energy that’s been clinging to me like a second skin lately. I also saged myself and my house, and left all my crystals outside to charge in whatever glimpse they might have gotten of the moon through the thick fog that blankets the coast in the summer months. Yeah, I do all of that stuff. I’ve been listening to podcasts about magic and manifestation (they aren’t all that different, to be honest), I’ve been reading books about mindfulness and journaling. I also started taking magnesium, because I’ve heard it is effective at easing depression. I’ve seen my therapist, I’ve gone to meetings, I’ve reached out to friends. In short, I have used almost every weapon in my arsenal to yank myself out of this funk I have been in. There are two things that I haven’t done- well, one, as of yesterday- and they are these: Take TRUE action and take medication. I don’t happen to have any medication laying around to take, obviously, but I am not averse to doing such a thing- going to my doctor and saying “Hey, nothing I am doing is working. I need some help.”, but I will tell you this, it is the very last thing I ever want to do. I’ve been lucky so far and it hasn’t come to that, but rest assured, if it did, I would do what I needed to do. I would never shame someone for needing that kind of help. Depression is an endless-seeming nightmare, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Everyone I’ve spoken to about the way I’m feeling inevitably asks the same question- “Why are you depressed? What’s wrong?” And it is almost funny, but not really, because…seriously? That isn’t how depression works. And I don’t know. There’s nothing wrong, nothing has changed, I just feel awful and I can’t shake it. Trust me, I’m TRYING.

Taking TRUE action though, the other thing I hadn’t done until yesterday, I know isn’t an option for everyone who is clinically depressed. I don’t think that’s what I am, although I certainly have potential (the one instance where not living up to my potential is a good thing!). I am more like…lightly depressed. A salad with a side of depression. Still showering, still getting dressed when necessary, just really upset about having to do those things. So, for ME, I know that if I can just get myself moving, I will probably feel better. Only I don’t want to do that. I want to sit here, in my robe, with my hair in a fraying braid, eating ice cream out of the container and watching “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” with the blinds closed.

My daughter called me the day before yesterday, and I huffily paused my show to take her call. She asked how I was, and I told her the truth. This kid, she has struggled with depression off and on for years, and she had some advice for me. I told her “I just keep thinking ‘tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better’  but it’s the same thing!” and she goes “mom, you can’t do that- you have to just get up and make yourself do something- I even wrote it on my dry erase board-‘JUST DO IT’, and I look at it all the time. It really helps!”

Of course, I rolled my eyes (she couldn’t see me) and said “I know you’re right, I will.” with absolutely no intention of doing any such thing. Later that night I messaged a friend of mine- “I really need to get my shit together. I can’t go on like this.” I went to bed, and in the morning, I read his response: “Just do it, then.”

Hmm.

As woo-woo as I am, you won’t find it hard to imagine that I strongly believe in synchronicity, and messages from the Universe coming through in any way that they can. Just Do It. From two people who care about me, two people who couldn’t be more unlikely to have conspired behind my back to get this through to me.

Fine, then.

Yesterday, after work, instead of slipping into my couch-coma as I am wont to do, I grudgingly put my shoes on and ordered my small child and my dog into the car. I drove to the beach, and I grudgingly got out of the car, ordered my whining child and super excited dog out of the car, and trudged morosely up the hill and over the dunes. It was freezing cold and super windy, and for some reason, by the time we made it down to the water, both of us humans were smiling. The dog was smiling the entire time, of course. We didn’t go far or stay long, but that wasn’t the point. The point was just to do it. By the time we got back to the car, my ears hurt like hell from the cold wind, but I felt…alive. As if I were actually existing inside my body and life, rather than from somewhere outside of it.

We went to Petsmart, bought some dog shampoo and a big bone for Lucy, and when we got home I gave her a bath. She hasn’t had a bath in several months- the only one who hates her bath more than I do is her- but I was bound and determined to do it, and I did. She was such a good girl- she got right into her little tub and lay down, and I used a pitcher to rinse the filth off of her. When she was done, I dried her with a towel, and she pranced around, feeling pretty, the way dogs do after a bath. Five seconds before she went and rolled in the dirt out back. Goddammit.

The point here is, I did some things. And after I’d done them, I felt better. I took myself out to dinner, alone, and had a smashing time. I was in bed by nine, and that’s okay, too. So now, my job is not to lose my momentum. I’m not out of the woods yet. As soon as I hit publish on this bad boy, I’m throwing on some yoga pants and heading out for a little while- back to the beach, and then to a meeting.

Do I believe in my candle rituals and manifestation boards and crystal energy? Do I believe that my prayers are heard and that meditation helps, and that talking about what is wrong matters? YES. I believe all of that. But I also believe that we need to meet the Universe, meet God, meet whoever or whatever is out there halfway. Whether that means asking our doctor for help with our brain chemistry, or getting up and out of the house, putting away the ice cream and opening the blinds- that’s a personal decision. We can’t just wait for miracles to fall out of the sky.

So…just do it. Whatever it is. Sorry, Nike, I’m borrowing your catchphrase,

Advertisements
Posted in beauty, escape, family, friendship, inner peace, Life, Musings, People, random

Miracles

everything-is-a-miracle

I have been very busy this past two months, with vacation and then getting settled back in, then the first of July came, and I have been pouring all of my energy into writing for Camp Nanowrimo. I have sat down here a time or two and started to write something, and then, every time, something happened to pull me away from it.

That’s a bit of a miracle in itself, you know, speaking of miracles- (Um, the title, in case you missed that. 🙂 ). You see, a few months ago, before I decided that it was time to start living my life right again, people weren’t exactly knocking my door down to come visit. My phone didn’t ring much, and I got the impression, when I did talk to people, that I made them very tired, or nervous, or both.

What has happened since I got clean is that I have gotten a real life again, and with all of that, it can get a bit overwhelming for an addict who isn’t using. We tend to be a little extra touchy about shit, anyway, to be honest with you- lots of times, it’s what got us into this whole mess in the first place, the fact that we feel things a bit more intensely than other people, and have fewer healthy coping skills. Sometimes, we didn’t start off that way, but years of abuse to our poor nervous systems leaves us frazzled. Anyway, for people who have lived in addiction for years, even the good parts of life can be overwhelming and upsetting.

I forgot about that. I forgot how disheartening it can be, to see how easily other people seem to navigate their lives when every day can be such a struggle for me. I am as disorganized, mentally, as I am literally, and it gets frustrating. Simple things can make me want to throw the towel in because I get so overwhelmed. Cleaning the house makes me unfailingly angry, because I am always floored by how bad it is, while living in a mess in also intolerable. I have to take a lot of breaks throughout the day just to talk myself down from ledges, mentally. My impulse control is just wretched, sometimes, and it takes a lot just to keep me from lashing out. I am telling you all this because I know I often expound on all of the positive, great stuff, and I want to be clear that I have just as many bad, embarrassing, lame issues as everyone else. Perhaps even a few more than average.

But I STILL believe in miracles…and you know why? Because, in spite of all of this, all of the outbursts, instability, and frustration, I still don’t use drugs. In spite of the fact that I could probably make quick work of losing these 20 nasty pounds that I have packed on, and have my house spic and span by tomorrow morning, I still wouldn’t do it, no way. Even though I am going through some really sad, uncomfortable, and painful stuff with my ex right now regarding our daughter, and it would feel really, really good to feel NOTHING…I have finally been able to grasp that dope is not a viable solution for me. That my children deserve better, and so do I. That if I were to give in, I would be losing before I ever got started. If that isn’t a miracle, I don’t know what is.

I have lost this battle so many times. The fact that I still keep trying is a miracle. I have hurt the people I love more times than I could ever count. The fact that they can forgive me, and love me anyway, is a miracle. I have abused my body beyond what it ever should have had to endure. The fact that I am still healthy, intact, and, amazingly, not a hideous, toothless old hag, is a miracle. I have a great job, beautiful children, a house by the beach, two dogs, three cats, a mom and a dad and a brother and sister who love me…I have friends who value my opinion and want to spend their time with me. Every one of those things is a miracle.

I could choose to focus on the things that I suck at, that I am inept and inadequate at handling. I could spend all day long listing the shit that is wrong with me. I don’t know who would wind up feeling worse, me or you! But if I had to tell you just one thing that is right in my life today, I would tell you this- I am a miracle. Whatever force you choose to believe in, that thing is working in me right now, helping me write this to share with you. I will never regret my past because without it, I may never have been able to see THIS- that my life is beautiful exactly the way it is.