Posted in aging, beauty, fun, humor, Life, Musings, random

Look! A Quiz! Everyone Loves a Quiz!

sex joke

***Disclaimer**

I am making this quiz up as I go along. The scoring may be unreliable, as it is early, and I am bad with numbers. My college counselor said it was ludicrous that someone who scored as high as I did in every other subject could score so pitifully low in math, and that I had a mental block. I like this theory, as it gives me an excuse, and a long term one at that (I don’t know about you, but I know almost nothing about removing mental blocks), not to mention a fun little story that lets me brag about my intelligence without seeming to. Not anymore, though, I guess. Okay, back to the quiz: Please note- I am not an expert at anything, and therefore, this quiz is meaningless. Much like all the stupid ass quizzes that we all do on Facebook, only I am being up front about it. So, here goes:

How Much of a Grown Up Are You?

1)You are in line at the grocery store, scanning magazine covers out of sheer desperation. This is what you are thinking:

a) I have no fucking idea who ANY of these women are, not one of them…I don’t even know why they are famous. Are they actors, singers, what? Oh, wait…there’s Kim Kardashian…why IS she famous?

b) Oh my gosh! Look! There’s a search for America’s most Beautiful Baby in Parenting! I am buying the magazine, we are totally going to win! (switches to out-loud baby talk voice) “Cause mama’s got the prettiest baby in the world, don’t I ?”

c) You know what, I have FORGOTTEN more sexual positions than you have ever learned, Cosmo. Why don’t you publish an article that actually matters? Idiots.

d) Katy Perry has great tits. BIG tits.

e) Oh my gosh! Katy Perry is so mental, what is she doing with that creep Riff-Raff? who is that guy? Her boobs look awesome in that pic!

Okay, 2: Your friend calls you on Thursday to see if you are busy Friday, and if you want to go out. Your response:

a) “Go OUT?! What do you mean, Out? Out, like out in public?”

b) ” I’d love to, but I need WAY more advance notice, duh! I can’t just pull a sitter out of my ass.”

c) “No, that doesn’t even sound remotely appealing, just…no.”

d) “Yeah, that sounds cool…just call me when you head out and I’ll meet up with you wherever.”

e) “Duh! where are we going, downtown, or Cannery Row? Maybe both, even…”

3: While walking down the street, you trip, and royally eat shit. Your first thoughts:

a) Great. This is going to hurt for WEEKS.

b) How am I going to chase the baby around if my ankle is sprained?

c) I hope I didn’t break anything. That’s how it all starts…

d) Dude. That was classic.

e) How totally fucking embarrassing. i want to die.

:4 When you find yourself in financial trouble, you:

a) cut out the Starbucks and Itunes for a while. Maybe slim down your cable package.

b) Switch to store brand diapers and generic formula, and hope the baby doesn’t suffer developmental setbacks.

c) re-evaluate your budget, and transfer money from your savings into your checking account. without even patting yourself on the back.

d) call mom, ASAP.

e) Pay day loan, or creepy older guy with a crush? Mmmm…creepy older guy. Just easier.

5: All the mail you get:

a) sits in a giant, unopened, anxiety inducing pile on your kitchen table. It never stops coming

b) are hospital and OB/GYN bills, plus offers for kids books and movies.

c) Junk, statements, more junk, ads. I pay all my stuff online.

d) I don’t really get mail at this address…which reminds me, I need to fill out a change of address.

e) Ulta coupons, Glamour Magazine, Victoria’s Secret, Student Loan.

6:Other people would say you have a ton of clothes. However, you look in your closet and drawers and see:

a) nothing I can try on without ruining my entire day. Except pajamas and yoga pants. Which are basically pajamas.

b) Before baby clothes, pregnant clothes, after baby clothes. Which are basically pajamas and yoga pants.

c) I only have things that fit me, and are comfortable. which means pajamas and yoga pants. and one nice outfit, just in case.

d) dude, no one would say I have a lot of clothes. Or of anything, for that matter.

e) Yeah, I do have a ton of clothes. But everything is so freaking cute!

7: You have to go to a fancy thing out in public. You dress up for the occassion. This is how you feel:

a) I literally tried my very hardest, and achieved a barely attractive look. If I have to sit next to a twenty year old, I’m stabbing someone.

b) Oh my GOD, I look like a sausage in a casing! What happened to my cute body?

c) I cannot do more than thirty minutes in these shoes. It’s just not going to happen. This is torture.

d) Time to bust out the leather flip-flops!

e) oooooohhhh! I look so grown up right now! Selfie time!

8: When it comes to your body, you:

a) have not given up on looking awesome again yet

b) Have no doubt that you’ll be back to normal in a few more months

c) don’t even really notice it anymore, unless something hurts

d) huh?

e) wish you could run through life naked, because, GODAMMIT. Prime booty, over here.

9: Your idea of a good marriage would mean a partner who:

a) Could keep it in his pants, hold a decent job, not be a total idiot with issues, but maybe just a decent guy who loves you. As you are.

b) A good dad, who can change a diaper and overlook a stretch mark or two.

c) A partner who is dead. that would be ideal. Dead, and rich, with no heirs.

d) Marriage? EH. Not happening.

e) Hmm…he’d have to be hot, fun, rich, hung, super good in bed, sexy, make all my friends jealous, but think all my friends are ugly. And fat. And he wouldn’t make me sign a pre-nup. No way.

10: What are your feelings about the future?

a) Still a lot of good stuff ahead, but I’m not as optimistic as I used to be, which sucks.

b) I can’t wait to see my life, and baby, in the years ahead…but I want to stay right here forever, too.

c) I don’t really have any. A little bit of fear, I guess. Things are pretty level.

d) I am not really thinking that far ahead yet.

e) I will be young and hot and awesome FOREVER!!!!

Okay, so give yourself one point for every a, two for b, three for c, four for d, and five for e.

If you got:

Mostly one’s– you are me. somewhere around thirty eight, forty, forty two. Not ready to throw the towel in, but definitely not feeling twenty-anything anymore. Life is a little off kilter- like the tweens of middle age, you aren’t quite sure where you fit in.

Mostly two’s- you are in the special dimension called mommy land. no one but other mommy’s really wants anything to do with you. No one cares about your awesome new balm for cracked nipples, or how you massaged the gas right out of your infant. Just stay home until you can act right again.

mostly three’s- you are solidly in grown up world. The joy has been systematically removed from your soul, you are self sufficient, practical, and a total bummer. You need to get laid, and wax your mustache. It would be for the good of ALL people.

Mostly fours- you are a young dude.

mostly fives- you are a silly, shallow, annoying young lady. All of us one’s, two’s and three’s used to be some version of you. Now we hate you. We take comfort in the knowledge that you will eventually out run your metabolism, too, and then wonder if you ever really wore a size four, or if it was a story you made up. Please, try to take it down an octave or two, and for the love of God, start taking care of your skin NOW.

There! Well, that was ten minutes of your life you are never getting back. But hey, it was fun to write. And if you can figure out how to share it on Facebook, go right ahead. Have a fantastic day.

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Posted in advice, beauty, family, kids, Life, love, People, Uncategorized

The Heart of a Mommy

courtesy of Gail Nogle Photography

I would like to dedicate this post to all the moms I know, but especially to Amanda Davis, and her one month old baby girl, Maxine. I love you with all my heart.

The day that each of us got the news, either from a doctor, or, more commonly, from the stick we just peed on that had the nerve to turn pink, our lives began to change. I cannot speak for everyone, but I know for me, the first few months were a mixture of fear (is everything alright in there? What the hell will I do with a baby!?), excitement, and that weird, buoyant radiance that feels different from any other thing apart from pregnancy. We become so in tune with our bodies, and every day we wake up with a new sense of purpose- to carry this life within us carefully, safely, to it’s fruition. Not everyone of us gets to do this perfectly- I have friends who have lost babies, friends whose babies were born so, so early that they spent months in the hospital keeping vigil at their tiny infants bedside. For many of us, as mothers, this is the first time our lives are every truly hard or scary- it’s like everything before this pain is NOTHING in comparison.

From the time we feel their movement inside of us for the very first time, like a butterfly’s wings fluttering or a flurry of tiny bubbles brushing against us, to the alien rolls and elbow jabs of late pregnancy, we begin to develop a relationship with this little person. Then the moment arrives when they are ready to come out into the world, and time stands still the first time you see this marvelous, beautiful human being for the first time, or hear their tiny, gorgeous voice. There is nothing in the world like this.

You have expectations. What you think they will look like, what you think they will be like. Then, here they are, so different than you imagined- and yet perfect, better in every way than you could ever dream up on your own. A lot of times, we are so busy and caught up in them, these little miracles we get to claim as our own, that we don’t see what is becoming of us. The  biggest miracle of all, for me, was what happened to my heart the day that I began to love my first daughter.

Before she came along, I was very, very self- possessed ( I”m not saying I’m so damned perfect now, I’m just saying you should have seen me before!) and it was incredibly hard for me to be empathetic for others. But the love that came to me with her was so profound, so incredibly pure and perfect, there was no way I could accept that love and not be fundamentally changed. My heart was just laid open, and it changed who I was. It was really the best day of my life.

I was very, very young, and messed up countless times with that child. I will go so far as to admit that she got a bad deal with me. I wish I could go back and change it all, I really do, but you know how useless that is.  But I will tell you this- because of my love for her, I had the good sense to feel guilty about the way I was living, and the desire to change grew from that. Because of my oldest girl, and my love for her, I found my way out of the mess I was living in, and became someone better.

My second daughter knocked out every barrier I had left, allowing light in all of the places I had hidden away for myself. There was no place left in me now that was safe from emotion. My second daughters birth obliterated me with that love, and I was so ready and receptive to it. My heart expanded, making room for both of my girls and so, so much more. You think you know about love before you have kids, and I hope I don’t offend you when I say, with all sincerity, you don’t. You can’t, it’s not possible, it’s different, it’s rare and perfect and amazing. I know you love your dog, you love your parents, you love your husband. But this love, while absolutely worthwhile and good and necessary, is not the wrecking ball love you get with your babies. It destroys you and resurrects you into someone so much better than you were before- softer and stronger, deeper and…just better.

As our children grow, and the time flies by, there comes a moment when you realize that there is a distance growing between you. Then you come to understand that this was always the purpose of all of these years- to raise them and to let them go. It happens so fast. So, so much faster than you would have believed fifteen or so years ago…it breaks your heart. No matter how rotten and selfish and foul mouthed they have become, they are the same big-eyed, sweet smelling, little miracles who latched onto your heart with their sticky hands and kissed you with their runny noses underneath all that teenage loathing, and it hurts to let them go. But that is all you can do.

My advice to you, just starting out, is to relish every minute of it. Every time you start to feel fussier than the baby making you climb the walls, look down into that tiny face, and memorize it, because in five minutes they will be someone else. It goes by in a heartbeat. You cannot love too much, listen too much, be too affectionate, be too present …when they are small. But you can  do and be too little of all of these things, and you will carry that pain with you for the rest of your life-so do yourself a favor, and be the kind of parent you can be proud to be. You will not regret it. Welcome to the mommy club. May the force be with you.