Posted in Addiction, anxiety, faith, Goals, Holidays, inner peace, Life, manifestation, Mental Health, mindfulness, People, recovery

With a Grateful Heart

a grateful heart
courtesy of Pinterest and littleleaves.com

I woke up way too early, as usual…but I am not going to get all worked up over it. This is just who I am, and I have accepted it. I’m an early riser who has become a super early riser over the past few months. I think partially it developed as a way to save a few precious hours of peace for myself, while my older daughter and her boyfriend were staying here. This time is so important to me. I’d do just about anything to preserve it, including waking up in what is basically the middle of the night.

I did, however, get to usher in the New Year last night! I set an alarm for 11:55, and Cam and I got up long enough to do the count down, scream “Happy New Year!” once, hug each other, then scramble back to the warmth of the bed. Last night was her last official night sleeping with me. We are both more than ready to go our separate sleeping ways, but with the extra people here the past few months, we didn’t really have a choice. So tonight, I can sleep diagonally, the way I do when she is at her dad’s house. She’s a tall child, and such a bed hog, and I feel guilty for saying this, but I sleep SO much better when she is staying overnight with her father. So, bittersweet though it may be, we are both excited about this milestone. Obviously, she’s way too old to still be sleeping with her mother, and she used to sleep on her own at our old house…not sure what happened. I don’t regret it, though. They are only little for such a short time.

Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling such gratitude for my life. I have such a good feeling about the year ahead. I was thinking about the horrible panic attack and subsequent anxiety I suffered through less than two weeks ago, and I wonder if it was just a giant purge of built up negative energy- shit I needed to get rid of? Because since it faded away, I have been steadily more centered, happy, and anxiety free. Seems like more than coincidence to me- to get to begin a new year wiped clean of the dark feelings that had been plaguing me? Well, whatever it is, I’ll take it. Gladly.

You know…my house is still a mess. I meant to take down my tree last night, and never got around to it. There are dishes in the sink, and…well, it’s pretty much like it always is around here. But for once, none of it is bothering me. Because I have a plan, and I intend to stick to it. Little by little, this house will transform, and be the way I want it to be. By the time I go to bed tonight, those dishes will be gone, the counters wiped clean, the tree gone, ornaments put away. It still won’t be perfect- I doubt it will ever be perfect. But eventually, it will be the way I want it to be. I feel quite sure of that.

The thing is, I have started this year with peace in my heart. I don’t know that I’ve often felt peace like this. It feels solid to me, as if it is not dependent on outside circumstances, but more like it stems from within me. It’s the kind of peace that comes when you have finally started to trust yourself, to know that most likely, you are going to be okay. I’ve survived a lot- I’ve survived MYSELF, which was no simple feat. This is my fourth consecutive New Years clean, and I’ve grown stronger every year. And I am so grateful for that- for the peace, and for surviving myself, and surviving the dark parts of my own mind. I’m so grateful for making it out of that last, awful, dark place, and for the wonderful new spot it wound up leaving me.

I’m starting this shiny, fresh new year with a grateful heart. And I don’t think there is a better place to begin than that.

May your year be blessed, happy, full of hope and laughter. Happy New Year!

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Posted in escape, family, Goals, humor, kids, Life, People, random, Uncategorized

Re-New Year

(***Note to reader: I was so lazy yesterday, I actually couldn’t even pull it together enough to publish this blog. So, pardon it’s delay***)

Last night was the first time I have actually stayed up until midnight in quite some time. I was not in a celebratory mood at all, however, and I refused to cheer up at all while all around me people cheered and blew things up and hollered. I sat in the dark, on my front step, with my little glass of pink champagne, and scowled at all the hubbub. I was in no mood to be happy. I was in the grips of some female hormone fluctuations that you would not have been wise to have brought up at the time…unless, of course, you were in the mood to have your head bitten clean off.

Because I did make it to the wee hours- for me this means like, one, one-thirty, tops- I have been in a major funk all day long. To be honest with you, I am still in my pajamas right now, in my bed, where I have spent the better part of the day. I have sent the baby off with her father to the dump (when you are little, stuff like that is still fun), my older one is at her second home, the mall, with her boyfriend, and I…I have been in bed watching back to back episodes of “Storage Wars” for a little longer than I really want to admit. I have no intention of doing anything of value at all today. I did make an exhausting trip to Carl’s Jr., where I spent almost thirty bucks on junk food- which I thoroughly enjoyed, by the way.

In all honesty, though, this is not my idea of how I would like to start off a fresh new year…I really don’t even feel I have nailed down exactly what kind of year I do want to have. I have no good, solid list of resolutions, and I am certainly in no state of mind to contemplate such things now. Not when I am waiting for this commercial to end so I can find out what the hell was in that storage locker some guy bought for way too much money. Yeah, I am in sloth mode, for sure.

So, I have decided to have a Re-New Year, at a date to be determined when I have two spare brain cells to rub together. Today is not that day, my friend. Have a good day, whether it is your New Year or not. I’ll have to go now. My show is back on!
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