Posted in Blogging, fun, funny, housekeeping, Life, Musings, random, Uncategorized

The Weed Eater

weed eater
Literally the one I have! I love it so much!

I know, I know- what a weird blog title. But YOU GUYS! I have to share with you the most fun thing I did this weekend, and guess what?! It was totally weed-eating my yard. I have never been one to find much joy at all in manual labor, lazy thing that I am, and I tend to shy away from any sort of powered-tool type thing, due to my inherent clumsiness and fear of losing fingers (seriously, I almost stabbed myself in the chest yesterday while cutting an apple- I know that doesn’t even sound possible, but trust me on this one.), BUT…

I have this massive yard. Great for my dog, awesome in theory- everyone wants a big yard, right? Yet taking care of said yard is a whole different matter. When I moved in, over three years ago, my landlady had covered the entire thing with nice, new wood chips. The thing about wood chips, though, is that they suck. The hurt to walk on in bare feet, they don’t look that great, and they basically rendered the yard useless. Also, they stuck to my dog and were constantly being dragged into the house. The upside of it was that the yard didn’t need me to do anything to it, it required zero care, aside from picking up the poop.

Fast forward about a year, after plenty of rain, and…the weeds started popping through. We had a seriously rainy year, and the weeds just took over. When they were green and flowery, they were so pretty, and the yard looked lush and beautiful. Then they all died, and the yard looked terrible and trashy, and it is soooo big. My front yard is massive, too, and though most of it is cement, the weeds popped up in every crack and every planter, and I just lost control of the whole mess.

I hired someone to deal with the front, and last year I enlisted the help of friends to get the back under control, but this year…this year I got smart. A few months ago, I went to Home Depot, all by myself, and I bought a weed eater. It sat in the box for another month, and finally, yesterday, I was brave enough to take it for a spin.

Oh. My. God.

I have never had more fun doing a chore in my life.  I was the butcher of weeds, the annihilator of unwanted plant life, the destroyer of dandelions. I was also the destroyer of my brand new Badminton net (oops!) which really sucks, and slowed me down quite a bit when the string wrapped around the spinny-thing on my weed eater, but nothing was going to stop me…except the fact that I really needed a longer extension cord, but I am definitely going to be purchasing one ASAP.

Oh, and it was also a really good workout, judging by how sore my arms are today! I felt a real sense of accomplishment when I finally called it quits for the evening and wandered back into the house, picking fox tails out of my tennis shoes, and sneezing away all of the dust in my nose.

I’ve honestly never felt more grown up in my life. I can’t wait to do it again!

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Posted in Blogging, Dreams, fun, funny, humor, Life, Musings, random

Total Random Nonsense

no point
Seriously, this one goes nowhere. I apologize in advance.

I woke up this morning acutely aware of just how bad too much salt really is for me. Holy bloated frogs! I feel like I aged ten years since I jumped into bed at 8 pm last night- and yes, I went to bed at 8 last night. I was the kind of tired yesterday that is easy to confuse with depression, and I wasn’t sure what was happening, so I figured it would be best just to go to bed and see if some sleep helped the matter at all.

And I think I was on the right track, except…all the salt from the restaurant food, combined with the bizarre nightmare I had all night long sort of worked against me. This nightmare…I woke up at least two times, actually got out of bed and wandered around the house, went back to bed, and both times went right back into the same damn dream. It was a version of a recurring nightmare I’ve had since about five seconds after I gave birth to my first child over 20 years ago. The one where your kid goes missing and you can’t find her? Yeah, except this one was much more creative, involved both of my children, and my ex-stepdad (a true psychopath) who somehow morphed into Donald Trump. He had kidnapped both of my kids, was trying to marry the older one, and was keeping the younger one in a cage at a different location. Also, the younger one had turned into a cat. It sounds funny now, but trust me, it was very unsettling while it was happening.

So, here I sit. Retaining 50 gallons of water, traumatized yet again by Donald Trump, and forcing myself to try to write something entertaining because this is why I wake up at four thirty in the damn morning every single day. So that I can write captivating words such as these. Sigh…is it just me, or is it really hard to keep shit together? Like, I will do really good for a little while with some things, but inevitably then other things fall to the wayside. So, I turn my attention to those things, and the other shit falls off the map. Either I am just a terrible multi-tasker (true) or I am just trying to do too much stuff (also true). No wonder people throw their hands up and settle for less. They get to sleep a little later and accept that there will be no thigh gap again in this lifetime.

Me? I feel sleep deprived, and refuse to accept my thighs even though they haven’t done anything wrong, really, except kindly store the weight that has nowhere left to go. Like, how can you be mad at your body? It’s not my body’s fault. My body didn’t just decide to hoover down a gallon of ice cream. I did that. Poor body. If it had a voice of its own, I’m sure it would have a few choice words for me.

On the bright side, however, I am only working half a day today. I’m taking my mom to get a pedicure and then she gets to go with me to pick Cam up from school, which, you know, that’s a big deal for a kid when some other member of the family shows up at school. I loved when my grandparents would pick me up! It didn’t hurt that they always pulled me out of school early and whisked me away to their house in the mountains. I felt like I was really getting away with something. So I am looking forward to that, and to going to the gym later on. And to drinking a gallon of water to get this salt out of me.

Also looking forward to the day when one salty meal and a bad dream doesn’t completely derail my life, but alas- I do not see that day on the horizon.

Posted in Blogging, humor, Learning, Life, Musings, People, random, writing

My Blog Turned 2, and Now It Won’t Listen to a Thing I Say…

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Actually, this was like a week or more ago, now. I get so busy with my stupid reality, I have no time to actually sit down and write about it. I could do it during work, but I feel too guilty. Don’t get me wrong, I screw around just like everyone else, I just make sure not to do anything that I enjoy a whole lot- that way, it doesn’t feel so bad.  So anyway, I thought it would be fun to write a little bit about what I have learned about blogging, and about myself, in these past couple of years. Here goes:

10.) The thing I intended to write about in the beginning, my “whole life makeover”, is possible…just not for someone with kids. I love the idea of being the very best me I can possibly be, up to and including : Shiny, bouncy hair; slender waist and perky boobs, bonus if my ass isn’t sliding down my thighs as it has implied, lately, that it might; gym going, yoga doing little ball of focused energy; responsible, organized and self-assured; maintains and tends to her important relationships, excellent mother, clean house…you get the idea, right? I want to be a fucking superwoman, just like every other chick who isn’t lying to herself. But I have children, I work full time, and I am still my messed up, unruly, ADHD, drug addict self. Some days, the VERY best I can do is show up and not verbally abuse people. Hell, some days, all I can do is show up. So, my blog isn’t about what I thought it would be about. But it is still about me…which leads me to:

9.) Be super duper careful when you write about your personal relationships. People do NOT like it when you talk about them on  the world wide web. They get all screwy and uptight and weird, and ask you not to mention their names (like anyone knows who the fuck you are, Grace. Just kidding, Ethel.) , and for God’s sake, if you have a habit of breaking up with someone and getting back together like some people on some other blogs (this one) I’ve read, you may want to think twice before posting that shit. Because a) Everyone will think you are stupid and hate your (ex)boyfriend, including you, and b) You will have to hear your (ex)boyfriend quote your words fourteen thousand and twenty seven times, until you threaten to cut him in his area. Yes, this is culled from real life, people.

8.) I am not as interesting or original as I thought. I read blogs all the time that are so much better than mine. I can think of one in particular (thank GOD she fixed her life and stopped writing, I couldn’t take it anymore. 🙂 ) where this woman had NO WRITING ASPIRATIONS AT ALL and her blog was a thousand times better than mine! Organized, cute, well thought out, interesting, and she stuck to her theme almost always. I don’t usually even know which personality is going to be writing my blog when I sit down, let alone where the hell I’m going to wind up. But trust me, wherever it is, someone has been there before…thanks to Google and WordPress, I now know there has never been an original thought in my head.

7.) I am also not a very fast learner. This one was a bit of a shocker, as I have always prided myself on being just that. But, when reviewing my timeline, I find that I am running into the same issues, again and again and again. I am not learning what I need to learn, or remembering what that is, or something. God, I have had it with me.

6.) I am a total attention hog. And a stats junkie. If I write it, I expect that they will come…and if they don’t, I expect that I will feel like shit. Look, some of my blogs are just so-so, but most of them, I really do like. At least, at the time I published them. So it’s not a big shocker that I think everyone will like the things I write…right? Every little “like” that is clicked, every little “reblog” gives me a little hit of the universal adoration I crave. It’s a sickness. You watch, there will be a 12 step meeting for it soon, if there isn’t already.

5.) It’s a lot harder to come up with a list of ten things than you will ever know until you sit down to write one.

4.) I really like internet porn. You have no idea how many times I have sat down to write and wound up…not writing, instead. I mean, really enthusiastically not writing. This, I hear, is also a sickness.

3.) I don’t have time to read as many blogs as I would like to, so I can’t blame anyone for not reading mine. I guess. Although, even though I just claimed to be neither interesting or original, clearly, you can see that I am both. I think it would behoove you to continue to read this blog, even though I ALSO just actually said I had no intention of reading yours. I might. But I will be famous someday, so it is worth your while…we all know that famous people are important. Well, I am important in waiting. Read me like the bible (if the bible had a lot of vulgarity, curse words and giant holes in it.) (Oh, wait. It does!)

2)When in doubt, do not hit “Publish”. If you are bleary eyed and half crocked at two a.m. and you think that what you have written is maybe a little risque, it is probably pornography and please don’t embarrass yourself. If you are in the same predicament and think your writing is really great…it probably really isn’t. Sleep on it. If and when you wake up, take a little peek, and see if you aren’t horrified. Trust me, I wish someone had been around to tell me that. Of course, they probably were, I just didn’t have time to read their blog.

1) I really, truly do love to write. It is an enormous part of who I am, and I am so grateful to live in the time that I do, where I can be a part of the WordPress community, no matter how sporadic I am, and say whatever I want, whenever I want to…for FREE. Just think- you would have missed out on this little gem if it weren’t for the guys running this ship! Yay wordpress! And Happy Birthday, toddler blog. You look exactly like your mother.