Posted in Blogging, fun, Goals, humor, Life, mindfulness, Musings, People, random, Uncategorized

Re-calibrating my Goals

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Good morning!

So, here we are, close enough to mid-way through the first month of this beautiful, shiny new year…it’s been enough time for me to notice what just might not be working out as planned-as resolved, rather.

For instance, I vowed I would not eat fast food, not even once, in 2019. And that is going great! I have not had so much as a nibble off the end of a french fry, I swear it. But nowhere in that resolution does it go on to say: “however, I shall indiscriminately eat any and all things that are not nailed down, that are also not delivered via a drive-thru window.” I think the point of my resolution was to eat healthier in general, not just gorge on everything that was not fast food. I should have written that into the resolution. My brain is very literal. Anything that is not fast food has been game, and I am already seeing the effects of it.

Last Tuesday, I bought a box of cocoa-dusted truffles from Trader Joe’s. I paused long enough in front of the stack of boxes that it was obvious I was deliberating over whether or not this was a disastrous idea- proof that it was. I bought them anyway. I knew it was a bad idea, but I just didn’t care. I brought them home, and ate them all, one by one, over the course of the next few days. They were all gone by yesterday. And it’s not the worst thing in the world, I know that. It’s just so…unnecessary. So opposite of the way I am trying to go.

I ordered Hello Fresh, the vegetarian boxes, thinking that would be a healthy, fun way to incorporate more veggies into my diet, and keep me eating at home more. Well, I’ve been eating more veggies at home, for sure. But just because something is vegetarian does NOT make it low calorie. Especially when I’m the cook, and I’m adding extra butter and cream to everything, because it tastes so much better.

All of this to say- I need to start tracking my food again. I never wanted to, but I need to see the calories I’m consuming as I’m consuming them, because it’s too easy to pretend otherwise. I’d lost 7 pounds thanks to that awful medication I was on, and I gained every pound back already. This is not the direction I want to be headed. If it were seven pounds of muscle, that’d be great, but I can say with some certainty that it is NOT.

As far as the bulk of everything else I’d resolved to do? Eh, things are going okay…I feel like I could push myself harder, but then again, I always feel that way. The areas where I really have been shining are walking my dog daily- and therefore getting more exercise myself- and doing more around the house every day, which is a big win, but, judging by the way the house looks right now, not big enough. There are only so many hours in a day. I am not a miracle worker.

I still haven’t gone to the gym, and you know what? I really don’t want to go to the gym. I just do not want to go. I drove all the way out there yesterday for a yoga class, and wound up going shopping at Kohl’s instead. Came home, did some yoga privately in my living room. So I don’t know…I think I might just give up the membership. There is one class I really want to try before that happens, though, and if I like it, it could change everything.

In other news, things I did not resolve to do but am doing anyway, such as: my meditation practice is wonderful. Haven’t missed a day. My meeting attendance is up, which is a good thing. And I’ve been making lists of tasks to complete daily, and trying my hardest to get them done.

Two weeks in. My summary? Not terrible, but could definitely be better. I’m not giving up on myself yet, though. That’s the great thing about resolutions- you can make them at any time, change them at any time, reevaluate them and rearrange them. Moral of the story? Don’t give up! I’m not about to, and neither should you! How are your resolutions going, if you made some?

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Courtney’s New Year Revolution

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According to page 1649 of my beloved Webster’s Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary (of the English Language, mind you), the word Revolution means quite a few different things. The one I am most interested in is: “3. a sudden, complete or marked change in something”. , which I believe could be applied, in a smaller sense, to one’s life, don’t you think? I’ll just assume you are in agreement, and move along…

You see, 2013 just SUCKED for me. It Sucked BALLS, for the most part. I will not be the least bit sad to see the last of this year, let me tell you. Without exerting the tiny amount of energy it would require for me to actually investigate, I am going to guess that I may have said, or at least felt, the same way about the year before that. So, do I think that there has been some cosmic misalignment that has caused me to feel so utterly miserable? Perhaps my chakras need unblocking or some such thing? Well, in all honesty, I am not totally ruling those things out…but I DO believe that 98% of my misery has originated within me, and that I am 100% responsible for my own happiness. Without further ado, I would like to formally introduce the plan for 2014 and my personal revolution.

  • If you are anything like me, you probably think you might actually throw up if you have to see the word “mindfulness” even one more time. So I am not going to do that to you…suffice it to say, I am going to pay more attention to what is going on in my head. When my negative thoughts start to take my rational brain hostage, I am going to say “stop”. Then, I am going to take a deep breath, and simply change direction. I can do this, if I pay attention. The reason for this being number one on my list is simple enough- my thoughts are making me fucking crazy, and wearing me out, and I am tired of being crazy and worn out. I’ve got to do something else now.
  • I am going to take better care of myself. I mean this in the gentlest, most tender and loving way possible, and again, I am starting in this insanely busy head of mine- I am going to stop berating myself for the myriad of things I fall short of, mess up on, can’t compete with, didn’t take advantage of, and will probably never get to do now. To those thoughts, my new answers are this: Bullshit, oh, well, this isn’t a contest, get over it already, and, says who? I don’t know what happened that made me turn on myself, but the truth is, I used to really, really adore me…perhaps a little more than was actually warranted, even. Somewhere along the way, I lost that lovin’ feeling…now it’s gone, gone, gone…you know? So when I say “take better care of myself”, I mean this across the board- yes, eat better foods, take longer walks, get more rest, drink more water, learn to sit still for small amounts of time…but more than all of those other things, or at least as much, forgive myself, give myself a break, think kind thoughts about the girl I am. Because I’m really not so bad.
  • I am going to be present. When I sit down with my three year old, I am going to be looking at my three year old, and listening to what she has to tell me…I will not be messing with my phone, getting pissed off because her chatter is making me lose my train of thought, therefore destroying my hilarious status update on facebook. Facebook can wait- this kid is only going to be little for a minute! Same goes for my 16 year old daughter, my person, my friends, my family. I want to be a real participant in the lives of the people around me…and in my own life, for that matter. I need to slow down, do one thing at a time, and do that thing well.
  • Along those lines, I am going to enjoy my life. I have not enjoyed very much of my life at ALL the past two years. There have been stretches of good, but they were very short, and that is too bad. I lost a close friend this year, and though we didn’t spend a ton of time together anymore, my impression of the past few years of her life were that she was extremely stressed out. Her death really opened my eyes (not to mention, broke my heart)…I want to fill my life with JOY, and with Laughter, and good, meaningful, important things. The opportunity for this lies in everything I do- it’s up to me to make things that way. If I died tomorrow, I would be sad that I didn’t find more happiness in my life.
  • Which leads me to this: Have gratitude. I have so much, you guys. I have so many unbelievable blessings in my life- a great job, beautiful, healthy children, a guy who loves me, friends who love me, a mom and dad who love me. Even my dog loves me. I live in a country where I have nothing but open doors and chances to succeed, I want for nothing. But I have gotten into a sad habit of finding every part of my life wanting. Nothing FEELS good to me, including me. But I wonder…if I started to think about all the things that are right, would things start to look better? Would I start to feel better?
  • And, finally, this: I will not live in fear anymore. My fears are too numerous to count, ranging from embarrassing to totally ridiculous, over the top, and unlikely. Some of my fears are about things that are already happening, some of things that have happened, and some will never happen, in a million years. Probably. You know what all of them have in common? I have no control over any of them. The only thing I can do is try to live right, try to be a good person, try to be happy, and do my best. I believe with all my heart that everything happens for a reason, and always exactly the way it is supposed to. Fear is only useful in life or death situations, and I need to remember that a 48 hour notice from PG&E does NOT qualify.

To sum things up, I just want my life to look nothing like it looks right now. I can change at any time, I know, but the new year seems like such a great place to start. Oh, and another thing I forgot- the end to my self imposed “writers sulk” I have been indulging, counterproductively, in for so long. Not writers block, writers sulk, you read correctly. But that is for another blog. Lets assume you’ll be hearing from me again, very soon.

Posted in escape, family, Goals, humor, kids, Life, People, random, Uncategorized

Re-New Year

(***Note to reader: I was so lazy yesterday, I actually couldn’t even pull it together enough to publish this blog. So, pardon it’s delay***)

Last night was the first time I have actually stayed up until midnight in quite some time. I was not in a celebratory mood at all, however, and I refused to cheer up at all while all around me people cheered and blew things up and hollered. I sat in the dark, on my front step, with my little glass of pink champagne, and scowled at all the hubbub. I was in no mood to be happy. I was in the grips of some female hormone fluctuations that you would not have been wise to have brought up at the time…unless, of course, you were in the mood to have your head bitten clean off.

Because I did make it to the wee hours- for me this means like, one, one-thirty, tops- I have been in a major funk all day long. To be honest with you, I am still in my pajamas right now, in my bed, where I have spent the better part of the day. I have sent the baby off with her father to the dump (when you are little, stuff like that is still fun), my older one is at her second home, the mall, with her boyfriend, and I…I have been in bed watching back to back episodes of “Storage Wars” for a little longer than I really want to admit. I have no intention of doing anything of value at all today. I did make an exhausting trip to Carl’s Jr., where I spent almost thirty bucks on junk food- which I thoroughly enjoyed, by the way.

In all honesty, though, this is not my idea of how I would like to start off a fresh new year…I really don’t even feel I have nailed down exactly what kind of year I do want to have. I have no good, solid list of resolutions, and I am certainly in no state of mind to contemplate such things now. Not when I am waiting for this commercial to end so I can find out what the hell was in that storage locker some guy bought for way too much money. Yeah, I am in sloth mode, for sure.

So, I have decided to have a Re-New Year, at a date to be determined when I have two spare brain cells to rub together. Today is not that day, my friend. Have a good day, whether it is your New Year or not. I’ll have to go now. My show is back on!
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