Posted in beauty, escape, family, friendship, Goals, inner peace, Learning, Life, Musings, People, random

Everything That is Right With Me.

negative-self-talk-picture

 

I’m feeling rather chipper this afternoon, and thought I would sit down here for a second and write. Nothing special has happened, no great new career has fallen out of the sky and into my lap. I’m still chubby. My house is still kinda messy. I am still struggling with these goddamned cigarettes, goddammit.

But yesterday and today, I have really asked the Universe, or God, or whomever it is out there listening to me, to help me be okay with it- “it” being the many, many things that are, whether I have a hand in it, or any control over it, or not. Whatever “it” is, God, can you help me be okay with it? That is the big prayer I am sending up, day after day. And it seems like I am getting my answer.

Because every time that cruel, hypercritical, mean, awful voice in my head starts to verbally abuse me, another, WAY more believable voice says “NO.” This kinder voice shuts that mean voice DOWN. As I am pulling on my jeans, the mean voice goes “What the fuck, porky? Are you kidding me? ” And the kind voice goes “You are beautiful. It’s fine. Go take your walk, enjoy your life.” And the mean voice, it just sort of fades away.

I think to myself “I should really put some make up on before I go outside.”  And this gentle voice pipes up, before the mean voice even has a chance- “Look at yourself. There is nothing you need to cover up…get out there and take in the afternoon.” (in case you are confused, yes, there are three voices happening here- Me, the mean voice and the kind voice. If you can’t grasp that, you are probably a man. So go hug your girlfriend, because she is probably having a hell of a time with HER voices.)

Do you guys have any idea how wonderful it feels to have someone sticking up for me? I mean, even if it is just me, it’s about damn time. Because let me tell you something- I am a pretty good person. I love my kids, I show up every day, I try like hell to do the best I can. I am nearly forty, and my life sure doesn’t look the way I thought it would, but it’s a good life. I am making the most of it, or at least trying to. I sure the heck don’t appreciate this critical voice that no one else hears busting my balls twenty four hours a day. I am tired of it. I am sure I am not alone.

So you know what? I took my walk, without any makeup, and I had a wonderful time. My dogs were thrilled, and no one stopped their car to point at me and laugh. I saw woodpeckers and Monarchs, and stretched my legs, cleared my head.

I have spent years and years beating myself up for my shortcomings- I am far harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. That needs to stop…because I am lovely (said the kind voice.)

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Posted in family, Goals, inner peace, kids, Life, love, People, random, writing

2012- It’s Been Quite a Year!

2012

I’ve been seeing all of the lists and reviews other folks have been making about their year, and decided I wanted to play, too. At first, I thought I didn’t have a lot to say about this year, other than I can’t believe it’s over already. I mean, that crap they tell you when you are a kid, about how much more quickly time goes by when you are older is NO lie. You just get accustomed to writing down one year and then it’s already another one. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that all kinds of stuff happened in my life this year. Here are some of the more interesting ones:IMG_0442

  • I got my very first dog. Her name is Lucy, and she is a pitch black Lab mix. I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into. Do you have any idea how much energy these dogs have, especially when they are puppies? Do you have any idea how badly they are capable of smelling? Have you ever seen how much fur they shed? I must sweep up at least enough fur to create two new puppies every other day. I don’t know how she isn’t bald. On the upside, though, she is the sweetest pup you’ve ever met. The baby could step on her head, and Lucy would only lick her face, lovingly. As we speak, I can see her looking at me through the back window with her big, sad eyes, like “mom…why aren’t we out walking right now? It’s not raining anymore…” And that is another thing I love about her- she gets me out, walking, moving, enjoying the world in a different way. Sometimes it’s a crap shoot, but most of the time, I count her among my blessings.
  • I had a nervous breakdown. Like, a real, honest to goodness BREAKDOWN, requiring me to take six weeks off of work, consider checking myself into a mental hospital, consider killing myself, crying every day, mental episode. Allowing myself the time I needed to feel better, to heal, to get a grip, was probably the kindest thing I have ever done for myself. I learned a lot of things, but number one among them was that I had stopped taking care of myself in any meaningful way, which caused me to resent everyone around me who I was taking care of. During that six weeks, I made some big, important changes in my life (some of which I need to get back to before it leads to more trouble)  and when I went back to work, I felt better than I ever had before.
  • I learned that, no matter what, my relationship with drugs will never, ever change. I cannot do them, no matter what, in any quantity or form, without it becoming a major, life altering problem, period. And that is all I am going to say about that.
  • That being said, I also decided that, for ME, alcohol is not included in that equation. FOR ME, having a glass of wine or a beer is not, and has never been, an issue. So I have had a glass of wine or two, and the other night, I split a fantastic hard cider with my boyfriend that tasted just like…well, cider. I reserve the right to change my mind about this, however, if it does become a little too appealing or lead to other problems- all those years in NA are not totally wasted on me.
  • THAT being said, I am no longer attending meetings. I miss them, sometimes, but I am not following, and not a believer in the rules anymore. And if you can’t do it right, you might as well stay home. So I am. And I am okay with it, totally.
  • This is the biggy. I never, not in a million, bazillion years thought I’d ever,ever say this, but here it is. I became a Christian. I feel funny even writing it down, but you can’t imagine how weird the transformation inside of me has been for me. It just sort of happened. Sorry, mom. (She really has an issue with this). I found a church I love, and I feel awful if I miss, even one Sunday, and it has changed everything for me. I am just not afraid of the word “Jesus” anymore, even if I’m not 100% comfortable with announcing it to the world…there it is. When I go to church, something deep inside of me stirs and it feels right for me to be there, and to apply the lessons to my life out in the world. I feel like I am home.
  • I became more dedicated than ever to my writing. I had my first short story published. I started this blog. I participated in nanowrimo, and went to the Night Of Writing Dangerously. I started a new book. I started working on finishing up my finished novel. I met my favorite writer in the whole wide world. I finally gathered enough knowledge to formulate a logical path to becoming successful with my gift, if it is ever to be. I know that I love writing almost as much as I love my children, so it seems to me that all there is left to do is try to succeed at it, right? Right.

When you look at the things I have listed as being noteworthy, they may seem sort of random to you. But to me, every single one of them tells the story of a woman who has finally grown up enough to begin thinking, and deciding, for herself how her life should be lived. Whether it was getting a dog, drinking a beer, jumping off of the ride when it got too wild, or discovering who it is she truly wants to be-all of the decisions were big, defining ones for me, and I came through it all better for it.

All in all, I’d say 2012 was a year to be proud of. Have a great day, and Merry Christmas!