I have been quiet.
I know that I have, and there have been many times when I sat myself down here to write, but the words just didn’t come.
Here’s the thing- for maybe the first time ever, the things I have been wrestling with are not things that I feel like sharing with the world. It’s not that I have some dark secret or big story- to be honest, it’s not ever very interesting. And maybe one of these days, when I finish sorting it all out, I’ll be able to lay it out for you in a cohesive manner in hopes that someone else can glean something from it. But I’m not there right now.
I will tell you this, though- this has certainly been a time of reckoning for me. Just me, myself, and I, getting down to the nitty gritty of this life of mine. It hasn’t been pretty or easy or fun, but it feels…important.
And once again, as they always do, the rays of light have started to shine through. Things never stay dark for good, and even knowing this is true, it can still get a little worrisome when you are in the middle of it.
The other day, it occurred to me- my god, if I can do this- if I can pack up my whole life and move thousands of miles away because it was my dream to do so…then I can probably accomplish almost anything I desire.
And while that realization brought me a rush of excitement and some feeling of pride, it also scared me a little bit. Because knowing I can means no more bullshit excuses, you know? I am capable of achieving anything I really want. I have what it takes to make things happen. If I shy away from it, I’m selling myself short.
So…just a quick check in. Things are in a state of flux as they have been since the moment I left California. It’s not ideal, but I suppose I am learning to go with the flow? Or at least not dig my heels in so hard that I leave furrows in my wake.
I’m trying to trust the process and remember that I believe in things always working out exactly the way they are supposed to. They always have, one way or another.