Posted in Addiction, advice, Goals, inner peace, Life, love, People

Gratitude For Heartache

This is a letter of thanks- to the people who yelled at me and mistreated me, when I was still a little girl. To the girls and boys who were so mean and cruel in middles school. To the friends who wound up not being friends at all. To the men I loved so much that threw that love away and broke my heart. To the drugs that almost took me out. To my own stubborn self, for standing in my way so many times…thank you.

I am not a little girl, not anymore.  I have forgiven you, forgotten you, moved on…but I know now how I do not want to be talked to or treated, and I will not allow it. I had to learn that it was not okay to treat other people the way you treated me, but it was good that I could tell that I was wrong, and why, and now I am a better person for it. So thank you. I hope you have a better life today than you did when I was small.

You twelve and thirteen and fourteen year old little heathens of yore…I get it now. You couldn’t have known about my miserable home life, about how terribly your words hurt me. Not that you would have cared, such is the nature of the beast. But kids are cruel, and you (nor I) were any exception. The ones of you that remember and feel bad have grown up and are probably decent people…the ones who have forgotten are normal. But if you look back and still find your antics funny, you probably have an ass the size of a carport and a rotten life. I will pray for you.

To the friends who were not friends at all- I’ve stood where you stand, and it’s a lonely place. Sorry is not just a word, you know. Sometimes it’s a knock at the door. Life has given me a heart full of compassion and a head full of understanding, and you know, maybe I miss you, too.

Oh, and you men. Yikes. You are my Achilles heel, and I can’t blame you for my reprehensible taste, but still…one thing I am good at is loving you, and you have been disappointing. You know who you are. That first one, who got all of the best love I had, and played me like a hand of cards…like, five hands of cards, actually. So many lies, betrayals, dashed hopes and sleepless nights. But it’s okay, because you taught me a lot- about what I want, what I don’t want, and how to tell when I am heading down a bad road.  So, thanks. Don’t call me or anything, just thank you.

Sigh…the drugs. I can’t leave you out, not if I’m being honest. You were the hurdle I almost couldn’t clear, and I am so glad you are gone. You stole me from my family, my children, my dreams and I almost couldn’t escape. I know you are out there, cruising my street sometimes- when I am hurting or fed up or too sad- just waiting for me to stumble, and I know you have all the time in the world. But I have learned to sit on my hands. I have learned to think about the end result, the inevitable conclusion you will lead me to, and I stay inside until you are bored and move on. I have been someone I couldn’t stand, did things I would never do, gone to places I wish I didn’t know about, all with you. But you made me better than I ever could have been without you. You stay away from me, but thank you.

And stubborn little me…well. I forgive you, and will continue to do so, when necessary. Despite the worst decisions you have made, the repeated wrong turns and backslides, your heart remains good. I wouldn’t change a minute of it.

So, thank you, thank you, thank you- all the heartache life has dropped at my door has made me stronger. I value real love like the treasure it is. I am a fierce and loyal protector of those I love- whether children, lover or friend. I am not afraid. Because of all the bad times, I know I can survive just about anything you throw at me. Because of the good times, I know it’s all worth it.

I am still learning. When to give up, when to let go, when it is not for me to decide.  But I have learned, because of past mistakes, to listen closely to my instincts, to pay attention to what my body is telling me in its own quiet way.  I know that facing the truth now is better than pretending things aren’t what they are indefinitely- you can’t always avoid heartache, but you don’t have to prolong it. I know that actions really do speak louder than words. I know that time really does tell.

I have been let down, let go, locked out, beat up, messed with and leveled along the way. I have cried, a lot. I have had moments where I was pretty sure life as I knew it was over- and you know what? I wasn’t wrong. Because every single time I got back up, pulled it together, sucked it up and decided to persevere, I was better than before. That life had ended and something better began.

Now, here I sit, at 37, and my life is what it is because of all the challenges, the failures, the successes, that shaped me. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I am stronger and better, deeper and more compassionate than I ever thought I could be. I am more capable and less afraid, more certain and more open minded than I believed possible. I am a better mother than I was, more tender, more patient, more aware. I am a better friend than I was, more able to listen, more loyal, more honest, more practical. I am a better woman.

I am not who I thought I would be, but everything I need to be today. And better than I’d hoped, so long ago. So thank you for the lessons that you taught me, that led me here. I am more grateful than you could ever know.

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Posted in family, Goals, Life, love, People

So, Where Was I?

So, yesterday, I (as you may or may not have read already) tried to publish a blog regarding my nomination for the “Most Versatile Blogger Award”, and at the last second, my computer…sort of ate it or something. I was very upset, especially because it took me a really, really long time to finish because I was busy doing a bunch of other stuff so I was writing in little snatches. That sounds SO much dirtier than what I was actually doing, that I had to stop and chuckle. Sorry, mom.

ANYWAY…I was incredibly flattered and stoked to be nominated by…well, it’s an anonymous blog, so I guess I’ll call her “Mrs. Mess”  at being a beautiful mess ( I really hope that works as a link, I am having some problems figuring this out. If it doesn’t, i strongly encourage you to search it. It will be worth the effort.)

Oh my gosh! I am going to try to hurry and do this, as it is now Sunday morning, my first day back to work in what feels like two weeks, but it’s actually only been one. Yes,  I was on vacation. Yes, I still didn’t blog. I’m really sorry. I just didn’t feel like it! I don’t know what else to say. Not very versatile of me, was it? Okay, I apologize…that was a really bad segue into my POINT, which was:

THANK YOU! How cool to be nominated for an award! I had hoped it would happen one day, but I didn’t think it would be now. I kind of feel like I don’t deserve it. But I am going to try to earn it by being more consistent, I promise. Okay, so, onward and upward!

Here are the rules of acceptance:

1.) Add the award to your blog. Here it is!

2.) Thank the blogger who gave it to you, and include a link to their blog:

Thank you, Mrs. M, you are a sweet woman who writes deeply and from the heart. I really appreciate you thinking of me. I am going to post this link again, in hopes that if you have not clicked on it already, you will now- a beautiful mess .

3.) Mention seven random things about yourself.  (I’ll get back to this one.)

4.) list the rules

5.) Nominate fifteen or more other bloggers for this award.

Okay, so, 7 random things about me. Here goes:

1) When I think about something that embarrasses me, I hum, out loud. I have done this since at least my early twenties, and have no idea why. But if you hear me humming for no apparent reason, tunelessly and out of the blue, you can bet your ass I am thinking about the time my daughter took my thong underwear to school for show-n-tell. (Yes, that really happened, and YES, it was a Christian preschool. Hmmm-hmm-hmm!)

2) I have a cool, little, flat mole on the inside of my third toe, right foot, left side. I always check to make sure it is still there. I did it just now. It is.

3) When I weigh myself, and it doesn’t look good, I automatically assume the scale is broken. I call this “survival of the fattest”, and it works for me.

4) I am incapable of sleeping later than eight in the morning, no matter what time I go to bed. I CAN get up and then go back to bed in an hour or two, but I have to get up for a little bit.

5) I am in love with Goodwill. I buy about 85% of my clothing there. Yesterday I bought 5 shirts and a pair of shoes for $19.50.  Even if I only wear two of the shirts three times, and none of the rest of it, I feel like I got a good deal.

6) I seriously want to wait to repair my credit until I see if the world ends this year.

7) I have reached a point in my life where I no longer have an interest in waxing my own body or painting my own toe nails. I will gladly pay someone else, but I’m not doing it.

And here is the tough part- nominating 15 bloggers. Not because there aren’t fifteen awesome bloggers to nominate, but because I don’t think I read 15 blogs, in all honesty. I am going to do the best I can, here, and I apologize if I bend the rules a little bit.

1) I would like to re-nominate the girl…er, woman, sorry…who nominated me in the first place. I am not going to post yet a third link to her page here, but I will call her Mrs. M from a beautiful mess. Oh, what the heck. Took five seconds.

2) My buddy Bennie at My Ideal Woman. He is awesome, engaging, personable and relate-able. I LOVE HIM. Check it out.

3) One of my personal favorites, Heather Christina Schmidt at B(itch) Log. Hilarious.

And you know what? I have to get ready for work now, so I will have to finish this later. Gives you time to check out the bloggers I have posted here already. Have a great day, you guys, and thank you so, so, so, so much for reading!