The last post I wrote, over two years ago, was titled “It’s been a while”, which is what I would have titled this one if I hadn’t already used it. It’s been such a long while, as a matter of fact, that I actually forgot how to do this. If I hadn’t saved my password, I wouldn’t even be able to get into this site at all.
So, let me catch you up. Um…let’s see…when I started this blog, I was the mother of a toddler. She is now almost 13 years old. I also had a teenaged daughter, who is now nearing 26, the mother to a toddler herself. I was still struggling with addiction, now I have been off drugs for nearly a decade. I was in recovery for a long time, I am not any longer. I had a margarita at a birthday dinner last night, and shockingly, had no urge or desire to immediately rush out and find an 8 ball of meth to snort/smoke/whatever. Turns out, almost everything I started out believing at the start of this journey has changed, and really, nothing is ever set in stone. Except for one thing, and that is my love for my children. That is the one thing that is so deeply engraved upon my heart that there is no changing it- not even death could change my love for my girls, and now, for my grandson.
I have moved again. Five hours south, still in California. California is so big, I think I could move another six or eight hours south or north and still be in the state. Right now, I am very close to the middle, up in the mountains, surrounded by family. My dad is here, my cousin, my sister-in-law and her daughter. My ex’s dad is here, and my mom, part of the time. Camryn’s dad is here, her uncle and cousins. We only ever have to be alone if we want to.
That’s the reason I came here, really. Well, that and some very solid bribery from Camryn’s Uncle, which I won’t go into, but went a long way towards swaying me in this direction. The truth is, after leaving Monterey, the two of us were very alone for about three years. I had no one to write down on our emergency contacts, and that scared me a lot. If anything had happened to me, there was no one to call. I hated to leave Aisley so far away, but I had to do what was best for Camryn and I, and so I did. And here I am.
Still dreaming about Maine. Isn’t that ridiculous? We’ve gone back every year, I think, since I took my first fated trip years ago.
But still, I am crafting a life that I love, bit by bit and move by move. Cam and I are heading back to Maine again in October, to stay a few days with my beloved Donna and Chris who moved there after I moved back (the traitors!), and then a few days in Massachusetts to hit some museums and stuff our faces on ridiculously good food.
Here, in this new house, I am making a home. I have a table and chairs that I love, bought second hand, and my walls are covered in thrift store art that makes me so happy I hate to turn the lights off. I have this little office space off the living room and I have filled it with books. This morning, I woke up to rain, and I have all the doors and windows open so that I can hear it, can smell the fresh, clean air. Beside me is the best chai latte I have made yet. Oat milk, can you believe it? I don’t even know who I am anymore. There are no sounds aside from the rain and the occasional cry of a hawk, or chatter from birds. It’s glorious.
Yesterday, I went hiking, pigged out on junk food, got a pedicure, and met up with Aisley’s auntie Amanda and her daughter Maxine, and we went to the movies. I took a bubble bath and a nap and read most of an incredible book. There is nothing complicated or weird happening in my life these days, no distractions or worries too terrible. And that feels good.
In a few short years, Camryn will be done with high school and for the first time since I was 22 years old, I can live anywhere in the continental US that I wish. If that’s New England, great. It will be wonderful.
But right now? This is perfect.