When you first get clean and sober after a bad run- no matter how many times you do it- there is, for me at least, this stretch of time that is perfect and beautiful. Right after the withdrawals dissipate, and right before reality comes crashing in, with all its boredom and mediocrity. I have been suspicious, for quite some time, that one could actually become addicted to that little space in time, the unadulterated bliss that comes right after another brush with disaster. I have dubbed it the “Phoenix Syndrome”, because it feels so good to rise up from the ashes.
But there comes a time when you just aren’t willing to destroy yourself one more time, even knowing how good it might feel to get back down in your addiction again, and how amazing it feels to get out. Because, here’s the thing- you can’t stop remembering, anymore, how hard it was to get out. How you thought you might never get out, last time. How you barely did. And maybe you just don’t have it in you to live a double life anymore, or have worse than no life at all- just an endless string of days in limbo, years flashing by in a minute. Maybe you just can’t bear the thought of laying waste, once more, to the relationships you have been trying to breathe life back into…maybe you can’t bear the thought of destroying the trust you are finally building, the trust that never should have been called into question in the first place.
This is kind of where I am- my feral side straining at the leash of my domesticated existence. It’s not that I want to get high, I don’t. I just want to feel alive, feel lively…and I have never learned, really, how to do this in a way that isn’t destructive. I am not willing to self destruct anymore, I just don’t have it in me. So I am seeking…something. Some new way, some GOOD way, to feel lively. I don’t want to go backwards, I want to be happy.
I suspect that perhaps, I need to change my idea of what happiness is. It doesn’t always have to be wild, and leave you breathless and half crazy. I have seen and experienced for myself, happiness as quiet and peace- the rain on the roof, a baby asleep in the crook of your arm. Happiness as a gray morning, fogging up the windows, and a day with nothing to do.
Perhaps I am just resistant to the changes in my life, and maybe it is because I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown…but it’s really ALL the unknown, isn’t it? There are no guarantees. Maybe it is just in my nature to seek, to always be seeking, though. Maybe that is what I need to do to feel alive, to be lively, huh? And maybe this is not such a terrible thing.
After The Party 
One of your very best ever – so many great lines in this…”This is kind of where I am- my feral side straining at the leash of my domesticated existence.” Wow – you nailed that feeling! I do think it is normal for some of us (I am one of them) who prefer standing on the edge of fear and danger from time to time, rather than continue living that “boredom and mediocrity” that is often our day-to-day existence. Who wonder what it would be like to just pick up your purse and walk away from your life and see what happens next. Who daydream about disappearing to another country just for the thrill of change – to feel alive, like a new person again! But the solid feeling of security – that floor beneath your feet that will not waver – is so important that – especially as we age – we hopefully become unwilling to risk giving that up again. /So we stay in that job, or that relationship and try to find a different kind of meaning in it. My advice to you would be – take a class at City College. Join a club or a dance class. Get involved with something totally off the wall – you can get that joy of change in other, less dangerous ways. It’s time.
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Love you, mommy.❤️
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Wow! I’ve been reading a few of your blogs now and there very deep and real and honest! Some of the topics really hit home with me like this one. It’s very nice to read all your excerpts daily. But anyways I just wanted to say that I understand what it’s like to find a new or different way to feel alive and find happiness in life especially after beating your addiction. But there’s things out there to make you feel happy and alive, you just have to find it and sometimes that takes time, and that’s ok. For me at first just beating my addiction and realizing what I’ve overcome was enough to make me feel alive and be happy, but after a while I wanted more. So I wrote down things that made me feel happy and alive and soon enough I had a little list of different things. I looked at it as my little goals list and started doing the stuff on my list and saw how they really made me feel after a week or so. And eventually I found some things that I do that makes me feel alive and feel good. And it’s pretty awesome. It’s something that doesn’t happen overnight but you WILL find something that makes you feel happy and alive! There’s tons of things out there so just go out and try different things and see what sticks. I know you’ll find something one day, and I’ll try my best to help you out if you ever need it. Your an awesome person and I love reading your blogs and what you have to say. That right there would be something that would make me feel happy if I were you.
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