Posted in Addiction, happiness, inner peace, Life, Musings, People, random

Hi, Guys!

I know it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted anything, and I want to assure you that everything is just fine over here. I’m not dead. I haven’t been abducted by aliens. All is well, to be honest.

The main thing I am struggling with these days is, of course, time…but also…you know, this whole blog has generally been based on me being in recovery and the thing is, I’m not IN recovery anymore, so…I’m not 100% sure how to broach that subject. And no, I’m not mid-relapse, I’m not out partying it up. Not even close. I’m still the same old boring, in bed by nine (if I’m up late!) girl. I’m just not doing the 12 step thing anymore, and I am okay with it.

My worry, I guess, is that other people might not be. My fear is that, by sharing my thoughts and truths with others, I might be giving the impression that the decisions I’ve made would work just as well for anyone. I don’t want to give that impression. So I’ve been quiet while I try to work it out.

Suffice to say, the first little bit of time “on my own” was very isolating. Without being a part of a program, I had a little identity crisis. I didn’t know where I fit into the world anymore, and it was weird. But in my heart, I knew I needed to stick it out and get to the bottom of why I was feeling the way I was feeling about my life in recovery.

Fast forward to now, and all those weird feelings have passed. I will go more into it later, but for now I can tell you that I am not regretting my choice to leave. Not at all. I have zero desire to use drugs, and I can’t imagine a situation where that would seem attractive to me. I know in my heart that I am not going back. In meetings there is a weird stigma around saying “never again”. They say “Just for today”. Yet another thing that wasn’t resonating with me anymore.

Oddly enough, my anxiety has faded away as well. I can’t say at all that these things are in any way related, but I’m happy to report that, in any case. Perhaps I just grew tired of talking about, or hearing about, a struggle that, for me, was trying to fade into the past? There’s a lot. I have a lot of thoughts about it.

But right now, it’s 6:30, I’m still in my bathrobe, and the day is waiting for me to jump in and get the ball rolling. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Have a beautiful, magical…or at least bearable, Tuesday.

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Author:

I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

8 thoughts on “Hi, Guys!

  1. Well, to me that sounds very positive. You have to do whatever works for you, and never mind what other people think. After all, it’s your life to live, not theirs. Long may the positive outlook continue!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I no longer go to AA meetings either, mostly because I don’t feel the need. I have had other people hint around that I’m playing with fire, tempting ole’ Jim Barleycorn to come back into the picture, but that’s not at all true. I’m free of all alcohol-related thinking, so there’s not really a purpose for me in talking about alcohol for an hour. Consequently, I also don’t post nearly as much as I did.

    Regardless, welcome back. 💕

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’ve never gone near 12 step stuff but I’ve heard the dictate against “never again” and insisting on “not today.” I’m fascinated by how different people’s minds work. A friend told me about her strategy of “not today” (I think it even included “maybe tomorrow”) a few months after I quit, and it just turns my stomach. “Never again” is so much simpler and cleaner. Is it that the very worst thing in the world for them is to have “never again” turn out to not be “never again”? Like, they’d die if that happened, therefore it’s better to wallow around in the squishy, self-gamey, self-torture of “maybe tomorrow” instead? Wow. I wish there were more acceptance of the simpler freer path.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the 12 steps are really, really healing for some people. I really believe that people who are coming off years of super dysfunctional living- often homeless, in and out of jail, really living in a way that degrades their spirit, benefit tremendously from the structure and accountability that can be found in NA or AA. But I no longer believe it is the only way, I no longer believe it is for everyone, and I no longer believe that I have to define myself by my past actions. I get to decide what is true about me. A lot of what I was told in those rooms about me is not the truth. I am capable of thinking for myself. The thing is, not everyone wants to think for themselves- some people feel more comfortable following a path that is given to them, rather than forging one of their own. I try not to judge that, because I am not them. To each their own. But undoing the restrictive thinking I learned in NA has been an arduous process. I have to constantly remind myself that just because that was what I was told, does not mean it was a fact. It’s been a process to deprogram myself.

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      1. Very interesting. The distinction you make makes sense. I have no doubt that there are elements of truth in the sayings/guidance/rules, and for some people huge elements of truth. I’m glad you’ve found and are finding your own path, and sharing that here…

        Liked by 1 person

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