Tag Archives: mental-health

It’s ALL in Your Head

its all in your head

 

I’m just going to go ahead and warn you right now- if you are not in the right place to hear what I am about to say, it’s going to irritate the piss out of you. It has been my experience that, when I am being negative as fuck, the last thing I want to hear is someone telling me that maybe I should change my attitude. Also, if you are suffering from legit mental illness (and really, aren’t we all, to some extent), I mean, severe depression, etc., then you are excluded. But for the rest of us, the whiners, complainers, procrastinators, and the “I feel fucked over” population, this is for you. For US, actually, since I am right there with you most of the time.

I don’t know exactly when it started for me, but I suspect it was somewhere in my mid-30’s, when I began to feel this sort of pervasive dissatisfaction with my life. Weirdly enough, if I had to point out a distinct portion of my life as the beginning, it would be around the time that everything settled down for me and stopped being so completely chaotic. You would think, wouldn’t you, that once things stopped being so messy they started feeling better, right? Not in my case. Perhaps I was so used to the chaos and upheaval that, once the dust settled, it didn’t feel very exciting anymore. I think I have written about this in the past, the way I love a good challenge, and overcoming obstacles is so gratifying for me. I have dubbed it “The Phoenix Syndrome” because I get off on rising from the ashes.

But you can only burn your life to the ground so many times before it becomes exhausting. I am 42 years old now, and the thought of starting over, picking up the pieces after wrecking everything myself- it holds a lot less appeal to me. I have evolved into this strange creature who pays her bills on time, and watches carefully her processed food intake. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that I used drugs made partially from Drano, for Pete’s sake, and now I worry about the saturated fat content in a burger. Sigh. I am laughing about this now, but only because it’s true, and super weird.

So, my life settled down, and my mind began to change, and somewhere along the way, instead of just enjoying all the blessings of this incredible life I was living- clean, employed, blessed with a beautiful family, a nice house, enough of everything I needed- a little voice in my head started bitching, complaining, and feeling put out about everything, and it’s tenacity is astonishing.

This little voice never wants to do anything, and I mean anything- except of course, the opposite of whatever it is I happen to be doing at the time. If I am sitting on the couch, blissfully indulging in a Netflix marathon of Ghost Whisperer, the little voice is haranguing me because I really ought to be doing: The dishes, the laundry, or some type of meaningful interaction with my kid. Okay, so maybe the little voice is right. However, should I give in to the little voice, here is what inevitably happens: As I do the dishes, or the laundry,  the little voice will then say something like this: “You spend your whole life doing things you don’t want to do- when is it time for YOU, Courtney?” Or, in case I am playing Go Fish with the spawn, it says “You should really move this along. You could be doing something productive right now.”

In short, the little voice’s mission seems to be to make me as miserable as possible, no matter what I am doing. And, check it out, I am not talking about a psychotic break here. These are not disembodied voices that are barking directions at me. No, this voice sounds an awful lot like me, and I am nothing if not convincing. Much of the time, I buy into that shit, 100%.

And that is too bad, you know? Because the truth is, I deserve to enjoy my life. Every one of us do, to be honest. It is our God given right to be happy in this lifetime, however that looks to you. But every single time we listen to that shitty voice in our heads, we are bound to feel the opposite of happy.

So, what are you supposed to do about it? Well, this is the tricky part where I start trying to give advice about something that I haven’t mastered expertly just yet. I do well for a while, and then I backslide a little, start listening again. But I do know a little bit. Like, for instance, start noticing it. Start really paying attention to the thoughts in your head, hearing the critical voice when it starts talking. Because when you are aware of it, you can have a conversation with it. Your mind may say “You are so lazy. Everyone else keeps their dishes done, what is wrong with you?” And you can say, “I work my ass off all week long, I am the furthest thing from lazy, I am dealing with the loss of Jim right now (Ghost Whisperer reference, sorry), go away. I will deal with the dishes later.” You are allowed to defend yourself, even to yourself. My only advice to you here is that you have this conversation internally, unless you are home alone. People do tend to become concerned when you are having frustrated, one-sided conversations with yourself out loud.

Another thing you can do to combat this is to notice the tone of your thoughts, and, when they are negative and critical, redirect them. This happened to me yesterday, actually, when I was faced with the task of working in my enormous, weed filled yard. It was hot, and there was so much work to do, and I am not a big fan of manual labor of any sort. I started thinking about how much I wanted to be inside, doing nothing, and how shitty it was that I had to work all week and then spend my time off doing something I hated. And THEN, I looked around me. I was spending a sunny afternoon in my own yard, and people who loved me gave up time out of their busy lives to come help me, for free, clean up my yard. There was music playing, and kids laughing, and we got so much done! Suddenly, as I stood there, bent over at the waist, shoes and gloves full of fox tails, I broke through the spell that negativity had cast on me, and I could see the truth.

I was actually having a perfect day. I just had to be able to see it. Changing the conversation we have with ourselves, in our heads, is not easy, it is not quick, and it is not permanent. Like everything else worth achieving in life, it takes a lot of effort. But there are days now when I can nip it in the bud the minute it starts, and I always, always end up having a better time. I would guess that 90% of our experience of life is in the way we view it. If you let that little voice have too much power, you will not be able to enjoy anything. You could win an all expense paid, ten day trip to Disney World, and spend the whole time upset by how long the lines are for the rides, or worrying about your dogs back home.

So, basically- Pay attention to your thoughts. Listen to the way you are speaking to yourself. If your thoughts are lame, change them- you are not only allowed to do this, you are the only one who can. If the way you are speaking to yourself is shit, correct it. Don’t let your head talk to you in a way that you would never tolerate another person to. Remember, you are in charge of which thoughts you believe- it may not seem like it, but it’s true. The more you redirect yourself, the easier it becomes.

That’s it, that’s all I’ve got. Have a wonderful day!

 

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Back To Earth

back to earth

There are signs that I am improving; My internal clock is working again- I go to bed before most of the world, but I wake up before most of the world, too. I am crawling out of bed, pulling myself out of the tangle of sheets, blankets, children, dogs- before the sun has even thought about peeking its glowing face around my corner of the world. I am back to my routine of soaking in lavender scented baths every morning, thinking about nothing. Then, I like to wrap myself up in my robe and sit on my front porch with my coffee, listening and watching as the rest of the world wakes up. The lavender scented water that has gotten in my hair is freezing cold by now, and when it drips down the back of my neck, it feels really good- this robe does not breathe. I need a new one. Anyway, in between the sounds of early morning traffic, way down the hill, I can still hear the pounding of the surf, and the little birds that have made their home in my neighbors attic.

Another sign that I am improving? Yesterday, I bought a book. A real, paper and ink book, which I read this morning in the tub. I don’t read in my other state. And then, there is this, of course. That I am sitting here, writing this, is another sign. Yesterday, I went for a walk with my dogs, one of my children, and a good friend. I wasn’t trying to find anything, I didn’t bring home a pile of garbage and call it treasure. I just walked. Well, I did try to get a library card in a neighboring town…but they were on to me. Jeeze! You don’t return a few measly books thirteen years ago, and you are branded for life. I may never check out books on this peninsula again.

There are other signs (I just accidentally spelled signs “sighns”, how very ironic. Or is that ironic? well, whatever, how funny.) that I still have a ways to go…I don’t really feel like shaving my legs. I haven’t washed my face before bed in well over a week. I cry- like, a lot- about everything. Yesterday, I saw this harassed looking man, walking two dogs while shouting into his cell phone. Trailing behind him was the most sad faced little red headed boy, about four. I wanted to pull over and scream “Hang up your phone, and pay attention to your kid, asshole!” But I didn’t. I just cried the rest of my drive. I don’t enjoy this overly-tender state I am in. It makes wearing mascara treacherous. But this is what happens when I stuff all my feelings for…what, five months, this time? Yep.

So, the crying. The fact that, even after getting a no vote from friends on Facebook last night, I still went to pick up Camryn’s medicine from Rite Aid in my pajamas. I could have at least put on yoga pants. The worst part? They aren’t even cute pajamas- they are super old, faded, purple flannel with big coffee cups all over the legs. You can’t even pretend they are anything other than pajamas. I didn’t care. Well, until after I got there and realized they had screwed up the meds, and I would have to sit and wait for another fifteen minutes. Then I cared. Lesson learned, Universe.

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of feeling like that. I just want to be okay. But I know I am getting there. Or hope that’s where this road leads. I suppose we shall see.

5 Little Things

Well, hello.

You’ve probably all forgotten me, and I don’t blame you- it’s been a long time since I’ve sat down here with something to say. I need to apologize, I suppose, for my absence. There is this thing that people do when they are feeling incredibly bad, and sad, and miserable, and overwhelmed…it’s called isolating. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Anyway, I sort of had a  little nervous breakdown, took some time off work, and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. Work that did not include writing this blog, unfortunately.

The good news is, I am better. The great news is, every time I go through something like this, I learn more about myself and what I really need to do to keep myself well. I am lucky that I have lived a life that has afforded me the luxury of safely taking care of myself- a job that allowed me to take a couple of months off to get better- I know that is not the case for all the people I know ( some of whom could DESPERATELY use a little self help…or ANY help, for that matter.). The point is, I realize how blessed I am to be where I am and have a great employer who really does give a shit about their employees ( they were probably like “PLEASE, PLEASE GOD, let that girl request a LOA before we have to fire her!)

So, back to my point…what was it, again? Oh yeah! What I have learned this time about me, and about my happiness and mental well being is so simple that I have whittled it down to five little things, henceforth called :

The Five Commandments of Courtney:

  1. Thou shalt not imbibe ANY illegal narcotics, ever, for any reason, other than major surgery.
  2. Thou shalt go to bed when tired and get eight hours of sleep, or more, whenever possible. And it is usually possible, so thou shalt not make it into something harder than it is.
  3. Thou shalt eat good, healthy food.
  4. Thou shalt get off your lazy little butt and MOVE. Exercise is good for your mind, body and spirit.
  5. Thou shalt have a spiritual program of some sort.

That’s it. That right there is the recipe for happiness for me, and since I have been making sure to live by these rules, guess what? My life is completely okay. Alright, I feel a little embarrassed about it, but in all honesty, my life feels WONDERFUL again. I forgot that when I feel great, my life is automatically going to seem more manageable to me, and by default, will become a pleasure again. I forgot that when I feel like a giant ball of shit, everything in front of me is going to look like shit, too.

Life is really not supposed to suck all the time. If you find that yours does, you may need to do what I did, and take a look at what the problem is. Chances are it is going to be you, but don’t despair! That is GREAT news- because YOU are the only one YOU can change. So there’s hope.

If anyone even still subscribes to my blog, I’d love to hear what your “commandments” are. How do you live your life to stay happy? Was there ever a time in your life when it was so bad you had to make some serious inner (or outer) changes?  I can’t wait to hear- so I’ll obsessively be checking my stats all day again!

Memory Lane in a BAD Neighborhood

Well, hello, strangers. I haven’t had a lot of time (or the inclination) to write much lately- life has been busy, and filled with a lot of stuff I don’t feel qualified to handle. Unfortunately, there IS no one else, so I don’t have a lot of choice. Work has been insanely busy and I’ve been trying to put in as much overtime as I can (as it turns out, that’s not a whole lot in my case), the little daughter has made it her mission in life to see how many times per day she can come perilously close to killing herself via a multitude of dangerous activities. The big daughter is also trying to get herself killed, only she, it is obvious, wants the old “suicide-by-mom” thing. She is the winner, this week, of the crazy making award. And also, my car is in the shop for a repair that is exorbitantly expensive for a thing that isn’t even freaking broken (timing belt). So I have been reliant on others to taxi me about since Tuesday. In other words, I’ve left my house ONCE.  So, because I’ve been sticking close to home and trying not to kill my children, I’ve had time to dive into the piles of crap I have squirreled away in boxes and bags in every nook and cranny of my home. I went through a small crate and large drawer that were crammed full of notebooks-everything I had written from 1993 forward.  I put my notebooks in chronological order, reading through each one, something I had never done before. What emerged, when taken altogether like that, was a really sad, really clear life story of a troubled, unhappy, desperate girl who has TERRIBLE taste in men. But there was some really great, hopeful stuff in there, too. That’s where I found what I’m posting today, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did when I stumbled across it the other day. It’s the story of how I felt when I finally got clean and got my life back. (written three years later around the time I relapsed…again…I must have been trying to remind myself of the truth). I am transcribing it word for word, so bear with the structure and the jumping of tenses-I never dreamed it would ever be seen by anyone but me.

10/2008

Today, it dawned on me that this mental beating I give myself every time I make this choice, it is exactly how I felt almost constantly for the 11 solid years I sacrificed to my addiction. Now, I say “almost constantly” because I do clearly recall having SOME fun, albeit bizarre, times in there. But I knew, I knew, I KNEW, as surely as I knew my own face, that I was doing myself a terrible disservice. The way that I kept on and kept on and kept on living that way, until finally it had been YEARS- I knew I was cheating myself, my mom, and my daughter. Just about every one who loved me, or who got sucked into the abyss that was my life, got the short end of the stick.

At some point, you realize you are using now JUST to stay two steps ahead of your own terrible reality sinking in. When you are already so weakened, so compromised, so ghostly, it is terrifying to entertain the thought of actually turning around & seeing the path of destruction you left in your wake. It’s just too, too much.

What I didn’t know then that I do know now, is that continuing to claw your way blindly and frantically ahead is not the answer. It is familiar, and how you do it, and strangely comfortable despite how it looks from the outside. When you are in the middle of  addiction, and it is YOUR horrible, bleak life, you are totally in your element. You know many other creatures just like you, in varying degrees, you have a language, a culture, a kind of code all your own, and you have lived in the shadows for so long that venturing outside of your tiny world causes you extreme discomfort. You no longer know how to interact properly with normal folks, you are too loud or too silent, too nervous, too shifty, too angry, too flippant, too self-involved to even notice how out of sync you are half the time. You get irrationally angry and immediately defensive when the slightest threat is even perceived. This is how you keep folks at bay, being short fused. People don’t press when they are afraid of what might set you off. You are moody and unhappy and you hate every single thing that there is, especially yourself. Except for your daughter. When you look at her, you hate yourself more than you even thought possible, but you love her in the deepest, most tender way. That love is like a weight on your back, only you can’t tell if it is making everything even harder, or if it is the sole thing keeping you planted on earth, or both. Maybe it’s both. But you look at that girl and your throat closes, and your eyes burn, and you can no longer escape the cloak of your despair.

Oh, I am so sorry, but I have to start work right now! There is more, and I will just make it a separate post later today. Meanwhile, I hope you enjoyed this so far…it truly is that way when you are strung out for so long. It’s a nightmare, and you can’t even figure out what is wrong with you while it is happening to you. In case you ever wondered why “those people” are the way they are and do what they do. It’ s very sad. But it CAN get better, and if you check me out later, you can read the rest.

Checking In

Hi, everyone. I feel really bad that my blog production has slowed waaay down, recently, and I wanted to at least put something out there so that I’m not forgotten, or assumed to have fallen off the face of the earth. Nope. I’m still here, doing my thing. Which is to say, the bare necessities of life are being accomplished while I am turned inward, searching for some solutions.

When you have lived life for a while with some consistency, you may begin to notice patterns in your behavior. I am at such a place, now, where I am seeing clearly how I respond to certain things. When I am unhappy and there just don’t seem to be any easy answers, when I really am struggling for the next right thing to do, I disconnect. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want advice, I don’t want to be distracted. The simplest phone conversation can feel like torture to me, because it’s such a struggle to listen to someone else when I am drowning in my own dilemma. So I am short, and I am brusque, and I am basically rude and totally self absorbed. I apologize. I won’t stay like this forever.

Unfortunately, I let all of the good and happy things in my life fall to the side when I am like this. It does not benefit me in any way to do this, I know, but it is really hard for me to break this dumb cycle. I had hoped that this blog would be the exception, but I have tried to write something every day, and ended up half way through, abandoning all of it. I think part of the reason is that old saying-“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I can’t, so I’m not. The other thing is, when I do write about how shitty I feel, my phone starts ringing with people who love me and want to know what is up. And I don’t want to say, so this is no good.

Whatever the case may be, just know that what I am dealing with right now is NOTHING compared to some of the crap I’ve handled in the not-so-distant past, and that I really have my mind made up already. The hard part is finding a gracious and non-devastating way to execute my plan. It’s going to take time and patience and some maturity. None of which I have in great amounts, but I need to dig deep.  I will be back to my fun, funny, sarcastic, crazy self in no time, I’m sure.

Just probably not tomorrow.

Amphetamines OR So You Want To Ruin Your Life

*Disclaimer* I am in no way endorsing the use of drugs. This is intended to be a joke. If you have no sense of humor, please, don’t read this. It’ll only piss you off.

I’ve talked about this in a roundabout fashion, here, before. I told you all that I, not so very long ago, was in the grip of a monstrous addiction. What I did not tell you was to what, and if I were a reader who didn’t know me, that would drive me crazy. I would want to know exactly what drug this writer was strung out on. So I’m just going to tell you (in case you didn’t figure it out already via the title) that my drug of choice was amphetamines. When you say it like that, it sounds so professional. If I were to be specific, methamphetamines were the type I preferred. But you know, we didn’t call it that, either. We just called it “shit”. Which, looking back, seems highly appropriate.

Have you ever entertained the idea of, perhaps, trying this drug at one time or another? Is there anything I can say to you to dissuade you? What if I told you I had strong evidence that there is really NOTHING good that could come of it…unless, of course…well, lets just run through this little list real quick. If any of these things sound good to you, then hey, what the heck. Be my guest.

1.) You’ve decided that you hate your teeth, and want to destroy them in the quickest, most painful way possible.

2.) You’ve decided that “skinny” just isn’t cutting it anymore- you want to go more for the “starving” look. I used to joke (sickly) that I was trying to get back to my original weight-8 pounds.

3.) You think it would be a lot of fun to spend four or five hours a day picking your face in a mirror and/or plucking your eyebrows…or both, even.

4.) You’ve decided that you love where you are in your life so much, be it adolescence or young adulthood, that you want to prolong it indefinitely. Your life may certainly change, but not for the better- however, you will find yourself, at whatever age you finally knock it off, the mental age you were when you started. You have missed the boat, sunshine. Now it’s catch up time.

5.) You want to see if staying awake for four or five days in a row really makes you hallucinate. It does. You can skip this one.

6.) You want to see if Meth is really as addictive as they say it is. It is. You can skip this one, too.

7.) You are tired of all your boring old dreams and aspirations. You want to destroy them and throw them all away.

8.) You have a real problem with arriving places on time. You can’t seem to ever be late, and it’s high time you started making people wait.

9.) You find that you just aren’t enjoying sex and have heard that meth will increase your sex drive. Yes, this works for some people. Unfortunately, you may not be quite as picky about WHO you are having that sex with, which could be a bit of a problem down the road. Also,  sober sex may be a little more…well, sober, but the risk of stroke is drastically reduced.

10.) You kind of like the way acne looks on you. (of course, I seem to be enjoying this look anyway, but at least now I have insurance and can go to the doctor to have it dealt with.)

11.) You have no desire whatsoever to have any financial, emotional or mental stability either now or in the foreseeable future.

12.) You look way too young and would really like to age yourself at least five years, preferably in the next 6 months or so.

13.) You are lonely and you want your phone to ring. So what if it is nothing but collection agencies. Anyway, you won’t have a phone for long, so enjoy it while you can.

14.) You want to distrust everyone you know and know that those feelings are reciprocated.

15.) You hate looking people in the eye, anyway.

Oh, I could go on and on and on. But I guess I won’t, because my mom reads this, and God knows I’ve put her through enough already. I highly encourage you to NOT choose to live your life the way I did for so very long. I am one of the very lucky, extremely blessed women who made it out intact. But, as they teach you in this little program I attend, all I have is a daily reprieve.

I am making a joke about it now because I can, and because I have learned that for me, laughter is therapeutic. If I didn’t laugh at how very poor my choices were, at all the mistakes I made, and how royally I screwed up…well, then I would just be sad, wouldn’t I?

I know some of my friends are going to read this…can you think of anything I could have added to the list? I really am interested in what you have to say.

A Burdensome Personality

I feel sorry for my daughter, I really do. The older one, not so much the baby, yet- I’m hoping by the time she grows up a little bit, so will I have. I’m not holding my breath. You see, for some odd reason, I am genetically predisposed to foolishness…I only want to make people laugh, to be entertaining. What better audience than a few fourteen year old girls who have nothing better to do? I’m not going to go into specifics here, most of it is just too awful to write down, but the thing is, I can’t help it. Sometimes my daughter laughs, her friends ALWAYS do, but at some point she gets that desperate, pleading look in her eyes that says “MOM…please, stop.” Oh, if only I could. Like last night when I performed the entire song “Give it Away Now.” by the Chili Peppers for her and her best friend Matty in our very own kitchen. Yeah, cringe worthy, I know- but it happened so organically, and the baby LOVED it, and quite frankly, I couldn’t believe I could still remember all the words. Anyway, you try starting that song and stopping in the middle. It’s nearly impossible.

Anyway, this is a recurring theme in my life, this silly, uncalled for behavior. As a matter of fact, the only time I can think of when I haven’t been this way are the times when I was using, still. That crap just sucked the funny right out of me and replaced it with a whopping side of bitch. I couldn’t laugh if I wanted to, unless it was evilly, right in your face, after I had just broken your heart or stomped on your dreams…well, maybe I wasn’t that bad. Ok, I was, but it pains me to think of it. I think it’s much better to be funny.

As far back as I remember, I have wanted people to like me- not just like me, even, but adore me. It KILLS me when someone just happens not to, for no particular reason. Even if I can’t stand them, I really want them to like me. I have no idea if other people are like this or if I am just the only one who is uncool enough to admit it, but there it is. When I was a little girl growing up, there was a lot of tension and fighting and anger and always the threat of violence to come in our house (sorry mom), and because of that, I found it very important that people outside our home loved me. I found other kids to be too shifty and unpredictable, so I forged friendships with teachers and store clerks and neighbors and any other grown up I could get my self in front of. I’m lucky I wasn’t molested a billion times, now that I think about it. Anyway, I learned that if I was smart and if I had good manners, and if I engaged in conversation, I was accepted. This has served me well throughout my life.

I also learned about reading people- you can get a sense of what type of person you are dealing with by simply observing them for a moment. Trust me, there have been plenty of times when I didn’t do this and wished later that I had! I also have a habit of jumping straight into an interaction without pausing at all, and I have definitely embarrassed myself. Anyway, I don’t think there is anything wrong with sort of adjusting your personality settings to harmonize with someone else’s- I think everyone does this when they are able, until they can get to know someone a little more and reveal more of themselves. My point is that some of the habits I learned very early in life have continued to be a benefit to me even now, and I’m grateful- without them, I think I would be very hard to take sometimes.

At work, it’s an uphill battle some days…me, fighting with myself to stop talking, to focus, to   at least turn around and face my computer and make it look like I’m accomplishing something. In my office, I have sort of established myself as the “class clown”, and sometimes, (not all of the time, but it really does happen) I am honestly baited into conversations because of that. Sometimes, it’s even my boss who does it. I always tell them, when I’m being quiet, you should leave me alone, but no one listens…it’s incredibly hard for me to focus on the task at hand. Yeah, yeah, I know- sounds a lot like ADHD, right? Well, surprise, surprise- I was diagnosed with that years ago, now. Unfortunately, the only drugs that seem to work for me are the very drugs with which I seem to have a particular rapport. Even more unfortunately, I can’t get past the idea that the dosage instructions are just sort of loose, theoretical instructions, open for my interpretation. Which is why my doctor won’t let me have them anymore. Anyway, I have good days and bad days, and I make my boss laugh (even when she is trying very hard to be stern with me) so I guess that is good.

It weighs on me sometimes, though. I struggle in certain situations where I wish I could be more adult. I have had lots of times when I should have spoken up, corrected someone’s misunderstanding or let a person know the way they were talking to me was not okay. Now that I am really reflecting on it, most of those times were far in the past, so maybe that is just something that changes as you get older, but it has affected me, changed the way I think about myself. I am not always taken seriously, because I am funny. This does sort of make sense, but the thing is, I am not an idiot…just because I have a sense of humor doesn’t mean I have no brain. On the contrary, you would think it meant the opposite, if you  really mulled it over. I get flustered and frustrated pretty easily, too, and I have a really hard time not just controlling my emotions, but not allowing them to take over. I am an open book, my heart is on my sleeve, I am who I am.

Sometimes I really would like to be different. I keep waiting to feel like a grown up, but I never really do. Sometimes I think it would be great if I were more subtle or mysterious, able to keep my composure, play hard to get,…just be quiet every now and again. But I am none of those things. If I am being mysterious, I am up to no good. If I appear to be calm and composed, I would look out- I am probably experiencing the calm before the storm and I am about to totally lose my shit. If I am playing hard to get, I’m just not interested. And   if I am quiet, I am reading a book (and my mind is anything but quiet) or I am unconscious. This is just who I am.

Last time my mom was here visiting, I told her how I felt- that sometimes I wished I were more appropriate, less…me. She told me she often wished the same thing about herself, (which I found surprising as my mom always gives the impression that she is quite pleased with herself… 🙂 ) and that a good friend of hers once told her, “all that stuff you’d like to change about yourself is the very same stuff that makes people love YOU. You are different and funny and real, and that’s what sets you apart.” And I get that. I really do. Some days I exhaust myself and everyone around me with my gigantic, burdensome personality. It’s not always a blessing. But it does make my life more interesting, and it does help me meet a lot of people, and it certainly does start a lot of great conversations. Most of the time I would rather be me than anyone else in the world. Which is a good thing, because I suck at being anyone else. Now will someone please try to sell my daughter on this? And I promise, no more Chili Peppers.

Next time, it’s gonna be “Suck my Kiss.” I’m kidding, I’m kidding…geeze.